»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #21
»
would you miss me if I got eaten by a monster?
| Open Poetry #21 |
|
would you miss me if I got eaten by a monster? |
|
|
jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298
|
be right back, he said and to her concerned look, really, I will just be a few minutes gotta get some milk from the store GRUMBLE the quikstop has milk and an easy pint for later GROWL well maybe just one, the day is hot long tiring stressful [take your choice] FIRST BITE dinner is in the fridge uneaten TEETH GRIND the tires that refuse to crunch the gravel of the drive maddening the silence, deafening CHOMP CHOMP bedtime brings sobs would you miss me if I got eaten by a monster? oh little one, do not worry, there are no monsters when gramma’s holding tight. Uncle will be home soon, she soothes and holds him even closer 3am and the sound of the phone not ringing is her only company GULP [This message has been edited by jellybeans (06-24-2002 03:10 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 jellybeans - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The monster bites hard... and this is excellent... Only one suggestion, and that would be to take the "one liners" and italicize them for impact... |
||
|
jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
like that?.....good call, I like it, thank you sunshine  |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Yep! LIKE THAT! The monster talks! WooHoo! |
||
suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Short answer: Yeppers. *G* But when do I ever stop with short? LOL I'd miss you... and I'd miss your work. *S* I like this very much, lady... The little one's question sounds whimsical... but it shows just how much worry and tension they pick up on... so you whispered reassurances as you fought the worry monster that was eating your innards... CHOMP. *S* |
||
|
JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Like this....James |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
your ideas are endless, lady...and you know how to describe every one in ways no one would think of......you da man!  |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I adore this one jb!!!! I love the concept--a perfectly apt description. Sometimes I take the phone off the hook just so I won't hear it NOT ring... I know YOU understand that, now. |
||
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Great title. Great poem. I too know the awfulness of being woken by the jangle-hell of the telephone at a time when you should be sleeping. It rattles you entirely -- making sleep a sweaty, tossing ordeal.Yep, I like this.  These smiling eyes are just a mirror for the sun. |
||
|
Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
The sound of silence feared...intense and thoughtfully written. Very cool. Love the title. Forgetting all I'm lacking Completely and complete I'll take your invitation You take all of me Lifehouse [This message has been edited by Duncan (06-25-2002 02:58 AM).] |
||
|
diversion New Member
since 2002-06-04
Posts 3 |
big smile for such an unusual, grabbing title... ... leading into a very worthwhile, unusual read (meant in the best possible sense). love how in one line we watch, empathetic, from the outside: bedtime brings sobs would you miss me if I got eaten by a monster? and then, softly, we are taken in: oh little one, do not worry, there are no monsters when gramma’s holding tight. jolting read, harsh in its simplicity/ordinariness of possibilities, and like how you left it hanging (I left feeling concerned, ominously scared for the missing character lol). there is a voice in your writing that has a great potential to grow. enjoyed. [This message has been edited by diversion (06-25-2002 05:19 AM).] |
||
|
Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
JellyBeans~ Gal ... this is a dynamic presentation~ Enjoyed the 'all' of you ... per usual~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
||
|
jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
suthern…thank you lady, and yeppers…even though I feel chewed upon many times, am thankful I have never gotten swallowed thank you James Bal…*smile** after such a dry spell, its only too bad my ideas have such sad beginnings…sigh, thank you serenity, thank you…..and yeppers as much as the phone bugs when it rings…well you know… bsquirrel and Duncan, thank you…gotta give credit to my little one for the title though diversion…truth writes good poetry, usually…and the ‘missing character’ finally made it home without accident or incarceration...sigh...thank you for your comments and your care marge, thank you lady [This message has been edited by jellybeans (06-25-2002 01:33 PM).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
