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First Post Redo

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The Shadow in Blue
Member
since 05-18-2006
Posts 488
EL, Michigan


0 posted 07-18-2008 09:22 PM       View Profile for The Shadow in Blue   Email The Shadow in Blue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit The Shadow in Blue's Home Page   View IP for The Shadow in Blue

Early on in this catagory I recall a challenge to redo your first poem posted (or one of your earlier poems), so I thought I would reintroduce it.

The rules are:
A) You must maintain the theme of the poem.
B) You must keep the title of the poem the same.

Otherwise, you can rewrite the poem in whatever form or style you want.

RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed
Senior Member
since 06-11-2007
Posts 1062
In Love <3


1 posted 07-19-2008 10:16 AM       View Profile for RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed

oooo so fun! i'm on it. be back with a link sometime today most likly.

-Kate

"Lucy: I think you are the most selfish person on the planet. George: Well that's just silly. Have you met everyone on the planet?"

Falling rain
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 01-31-2008
Posts 2165
Small town, Illinois


2 posted 07-20-2008 10:59 AM       View Profile for Falling rain   Email Falling rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Falling rain's Home Page   View IP for Falling rain

http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum101/HTML/001866.html

My first poem.. ever... I know it isn't that good...

Now here's my rewrite..

Letting go

Another day goes by.
Another tear rolls down my face.
Thinking just of you...
Trying to walk at an even pace.

Holding myself together
When im falling all apart.
Trying to get over this.
Trying to redo from the start.

I went to your funeral..
And didn't shead a tear
But watching them lower you down.
Triggered my deepest fear.

I never wanted to let go.
And i'll never forget your face.
You loved me from the start.
And it left a subtle trace.

Hands left shaking
But no one knows why.
Trying to be stong..
Too strong to cry.

A new angel was born today.
And is flying way on high.
But left me standing here..
Without a chance to say "Goodbye"

I know your never ending love
Will always have a place in my heart.
But life isn't that easy..
I learned you can't redo things from the start.

Years have passed by
Things are getting better then it sounds.
I'll always miss you. Do you know that?
Next time I'd see you and next time you come around.

I really want to tell you something.
Although Its really hard for me to say.
Wanted to say. "I love you,"  
There wont be a time when I don't miss you. I'll think about you everyday..


What do you think Shadow???

~Zach~

"When you cried I wiped away all your tears.
" When you screaed I'd fight away all of your fears..
And I held your hand through all of these years

The Shadow in Blue
Member
since 05-18-2006
Posts 488
EL, Michigan


3 posted 07-20-2008 11:54 AM       View Profile for The Shadow in Blue   Email The Shadow in Blue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit The Shadow in Blue's Home Page   View IP for The Shadow in Blue

Your rewrite was fantastic. I loved the way you organized your stanzas. It was a concise and clear.
In other words, it perfected an already emotive piece.
Good Job.
 
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