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Open Poetry #20
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Balladeer
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

0 posted 2002-05-31 03:52 PM


The trip continues.....

.
.

So now I'm at my daughter's - one of two that's fully grown.
She has a husband, fancy house and daughter of her own.
Tomorrow is the 4-year old's first dance recital so
I'll be a grandpa until then and, when it's done, I'll go.

My daughter is immaculate...not one thing out of place
And anyone who messes up will feel a fall from grace.
I knew I was in trouble when I saw how neat things were
And, though a klutz by birth, I tried my best at pleasing her.

I put a bagel in the toaster for a breakfast snack
And, when I took the butter out, I had a heart attack!
The butter in the tub had been scraped out so perfectly
I was afraid to touch it to destroy its symmetry.

The sides had been scraped clean, not a butter speck in sight.
The pile left in the middle had been sculptured out just right.
The sides were very smooth. There was no knifemark anyplace.
She took that butter out the way a man would shave his face!

I did my best to scrape the butter out as best I could,
Thinking if I left a knifemark it would not be good.
Finally I spread it on the bagel, mind at ease,
Then it was time to do the same procedure for cream cheese.

The cream cheese wasn't manicured so it was easier.
Just stick knife in and take knife out. What mayhem could occur?
But when I'd spread the butter on, apparently, with ease
Some bagel seeds stuck to the knife and now were in the cheese!

Oh, no! This wouldn't do at all! They looked like giant stones!
If they were left imbedded there, I KNEW she'd break my bones!
So I kept digging till I got them all out...it was bad!
My daughter passed and said, "You like your cream cheese, don't you, dad?"

Well, I ate that darned bagel and I didn't leave a crumb
'Cause I may be a slob but I ain't gonna be THAT dumb!
I did, however, leave a ring from coffee overflow.
You need to use a saucer? How was I supposed to know???

So then it was the time for me to go and take a shower.
It had been quite traumatic and I'd just been there an hour!
So, eagerly, I exited to bathroom, happy boy,
With hopes that there was nothing in that room I could destroy.

Yes, folks, I KNOW the shower curtain goes on the inside!
But somehow it got on the outside and I almost cried.
The bathroom floor was flooded! There was water everywhere
And I wished I were small enough to vanish in thin air.

I got down on my hands and knees and toweled with all my might.
I'd wring it out and towel some more...it was an awful sight.
I couldn't use another towel - No, that would never do.
When one goes in to take a bath, you use one towel, not two.

So then I got hair dryer out and turned it on full blast.
It took some time but I was seeing solid floor at last.
My daughter passed the door and said, "What's going on in there?
I've heard the dryer for an hour. You don't have that much hair!!"

You know how when you try so hard to not do something wrong
You seem to mess up every little thing that comes along?
Well, that's the spot that I'm in now. I have the touch of Death
And everytime I make a move, I have to hold my breath!

So I have been here six hours now. I spilled a glass of Coke.
I left a stain with dirty soles - the roll dispenser broke.
My car left stains on driveway from the radiator hose
And I am trying hard to not spill foodstuffs on my clothes.

With luck, without calamity, I'll make it through two days
And find a way to throttle back my normal klutzy ways.
I'll say goodbyes as soon as I have watched granddaughter's show
And hope I don't drip oil on the driveway as I go!!!


.
.

© Copyright 2002 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
suthern
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Louisiana
1 posted 2002-05-31 03:58 PM


ROFLMAO... As long as she doesn't follow your every step with the vacuum cleaner, you're okay, Deer one. LOL And you can come visit me anytime... my bathroom could use all the scrubbing! LOL
Martie
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California
2 posted 2002-05-31 04:03 PM


Awww, deer...you can wipe some things clean...but please, not the smile on my face that you just made.
Mistletoe Angel
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Portland, Oregon
3 posted 2002-05-31 04:17 PM




(giggles in delight) Oh Michael, it does seem so impossible to avoid doing something embarrassing for such long periods of time, I always seem to experience this kind of dirt when I'm going on family trips and it always seems to reflect in memories, hehehe! (sigh) This is wonderful, sweet friend, may you and your daughter have a wonderful time, congratulations for her, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Balladeer, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Interloper
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Member Rara Avis
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Deep in the heart
4 posted 2002-05-31 04:20 PM


Huge, teeth displaying grins here
hang in there, guy.  It won't be long...

Fool, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write.

LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion
5 posted 2002-05-31 04:29 PM


Yes, Balladeer is a klutz, as everybody knows through and through,
But what he doesn't realize is his daughter knows that, too.
So just before he visited, she smoothed the butter out,
Then watched in joy as Balladeer tried to get that butter out.

And only sesame bagels were left for him to gently toast,
As his daughter smirked at his chagrin at having upset his host.
And the cream cheese?  Yes, she added seeds for Balladeer to find,
Then "happened" by as he tried to ease her "unsettled" mind.

The coffee cup without the saucer that he swore could not be found,
Was not his fault, his daughter made sure he'd leave the ring when he set it down.
And sure enough, Balladeer complied with her intended jest,
As he fretted over the way he seemed to wander from mess to mess.

The shower curtain WAS inside, until he closed his eyes to rinse,
And then his daughter pulled it out in her sweet "innocence."
And then she poured a about a gallon of water on the bathroom tile,
And waited to hear the blowdryer start with her wicked smile.

Yes, Balladeer is a scalawag, and he deserves all the he is due,
And many's the time I've chafed from the sighings of all of you.
But the story he tells is really all of the revenge that I have sought.
His daughters are truly authentic chips off the old block.

heh - How ya doing, Miguelito?

Madame Chipmunk
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since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
6 posted 2002-05-31 04:44 PM


The sides had been scraped clean, not a butter speck in sight.
The pile left in the middle had been sculptured out just right.
The sides were very smooth. There was no knifemark anyplace.
She took that butter out the way a man would shave his face!

This is such a sweet hilarious poem, Michael.
How did such a normal, imperfect person such as yourself produce such a perfectionist of a daughter?
My parents always wondered how such perfect people as themselves, produced such an imperfect daughter as me.

When we had Victor's Bar Mitzvah...back in 88, I had hired a cleaning service to make sure that my house was extra clean because my parents were coming....well, my mother took one look at my newly cleaned house and pronounced it unfit for human habitation...
So she called another cleaning service and they came in and told her that there was nothing to clean....but she said she would pay them to clean it anyway!  

I also have a brother in law who is even worse than my mother....He and my sister have a coffeepot, a cuisnart and a toaster on their kitchen counter and no one is allowed to use them b/c it might get them dirty.
They usually use instant coffee and toast their bread in the oven...and the cuisinart of course, is just for show.  
When I went to visit them, I got up one morning when everyone was at work or school....and I violated all 3 of them within a half an hour   ~ hugs from one imperfect person to another




Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

[This message has been edited by Madame Chipmunk (05-31-2002 09:49 PM).]

suthern
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7 posted 2002-05-31 04:49 PM


I think Long John may be onto something. LOL She's probably hidden a camera somewhere, taking pictures of your discomfiture... but they can't be more vivid than the picture you painted with your words! *G*
Toerag
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since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622
Ala bam a
8 posted 2002-05-31 04:53 PM


Balladeer's up in the morning and greets it with a sigh,
Shuffles from the bedroom with hair and brain awry,
Stumbles to the bathroom with sorta knock kneed gait,
To beat an urgent urging, that does not want to wait.

Today he'll write some verse I think
Pick up the pen and spread the ink.

The toaster in the kitchen, has features new galore,
It burns his bread, then pops it up and flings it on the floor.
The lurking ants are waiting as they do most every day,
Big and stout, they scuttle out and whisk his toast away.

"If I have the time he says, I just may write some rhyme,
On ants that steal my meal, that toasted bread of mine."

The dream he dreamt last night still rankles,
His PJ's slip down to his ankles,
He stooped to grab, and stubbed a toe
Then says some naughty words he knows.

The radio's on - he hears it say;
"It's gonna rain all day today."

The telephone begins to ring,
The toaster has another fling,
The ants are back, He'll never eat
He might as well go back to sleep.

Just close your eyes in sleep and sorrow,
And maybe write some verse tomorrow.


[This message has been edited by Toerag (05-31-2002 04:55 PM).]

suthern
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Louisiana
9 posted 2002-05-31 05:20 PM


Well, we might hope his mornings aren't full of disasters... but you've written a lot of truth there, Toe... for he can make a poem out of any situation. *S*

But did you have to tattle that he has ANTS??? LOL You're gonna ruin his reputation!

Toerag
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since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622
Ala bam a
10 posted 2002-05-31 05:35 PM


Balladeer, LongJohn, Chip, all of you are nuts! How can people write like this about such schtuff?.....Ya all will never cease to amaze me....of course, how a match strikes never ceases to amaze me?.....
Seymour Tabin
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since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
11 posted 2002-05-31 05:38 PM


Mike,
Enjoyed the trip as much as you, lf not more. LOL

ethome
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since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
12 posted 2002-05-31 05:45 PM


Mike
You sure can tell a delightful tale and this is great he he I love it!

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
13 posted 2002-05-31 05:53 PM



Oh Deer, my Deer I must confess
I laughed out loud here at your mess
That's what happens with daughters you know
They turn the opposite of you when they grow
I thought you knew that, being 'The Deer'
Sit tight, is the only solution for you here

Titia


A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Check out my new website: lookheretitia.fcpages.com (I didn't 'link' this, so it won't take too much space).I

Krissy
Senior Member
since 2002-02-22
Posts 556
kent England
14 posted 2002-05-31 06:52 PM


’Deer hi there, how much I’m enjoying your trip, mum has read them too me, I’ll get to reply to them later, and I think it’s a wonderful series. I can see each seem, I liked the shower scene, very much You really are an ace writer, and so incredibly witty. I’m really really enjoying this. It has me laughing my socks off.

Excellent writing and hilariously funny. I love it

Mum I got here first, you’re just not quick enough


Love and warm stuff
As always
Krissy

And while thy willing soul transpiers
at every pore with instant fires
Andrew Marvell 1621-1678

Sunshine
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Listening to every heart
15 posted 2002-05-31 07:11 PM



Enjoying the vignettes of the trip...but I'll bet...you'll be glad to get home, and once there...I can just imagine what the butter will look like!

catalinamoon
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The Shores of Alone
16 posted 2002-05-31 07:19 PM


Oh this is so hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.
Sandra

Duncan
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since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455

17 posted 2002-05-31 07:58 PM


You poor guy!!  Hurry back...sounds almost painful!

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where I started
Chasing after you

Lifehouse

SmartChick
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since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown
18 posted 2002-05-31 08:30 PM


Oh, poor Balladeer! Hang in there Dear, it will all be over soon.
NewEnglandlazurlu
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since 2002-01-04
Posts 7470
A Mountain Paradise
19 posted 2002-05-31 09:11 PM


Oh my gosh I'm screaming laughing. The following, 'I got down on my hands and knees and toweled with all my might.
I'd wring it out and towel some more...it was an awful sight.
I couldn't use another towel - No, that would never do.
When one goes in to take a bath, you use one towel, not two...' so reminded me of my aunt. I used to summer with her when I was a child and no matter how hard I tried, I'd make a mess in the bathroom. It was a definite no-no and she'd go nuts! This was wonderful and I really enjoyed the belly laugh. Hugs, Marti

" My wrinkles are badges of courage and reveal that I am a Mother."

Balladeer
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
20 posted 2002-06-01 01:40 AM


Madame C...those are some funny examples! You have my sympathy...and comraderie. Sounds like we are birds of a feather!  

Longjohn...I think you're right! The whole thing DOES smack of a conspiracy....how dare she mistreat the Deer!!! Good you see ya again, sailor..

Toe...I have to say your response to this poem is probably the best poem I've ever seen you write. Yeah, I know it doesn't take much to qualify for that title but I mean it....that was dynamite!!

I'm glad you all got some chuckles out of this one, especially you, Newenglandlazurlu!, and I appreciate the sympathy, too. Sometimes life ain't easy, yanno?  

See ya in a couple of days!!!

[This message has been edited by Balladeer (06-01-2002 01:41 AM).]

Christopher
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Purgatorial Incarceration
21 posted 2002-06-01 02:10 AM


lol - let me guess: she's the first born? it happens that way you know, i've seen it hundreds of time... i bet, though, she doesn't mind anywhere near what you do!

this was cute mike, i could see you frantic, down on the bathrrom floor! (oh, and i thought the same thing about the hair dryer - not THAT much hair! ROFL!)

very funny

C

Mysteria
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22 posted 2002-06-01 03:12 AM


Hmmm, and I am sitting here just thinking her cleanliness is quite normal.  My butter and margarine both look like that, and I won't even mention the mayonnaise jar or peanut butter.  I can tell a good housekeeper by her fridge actually!  LOL, but this was cute, and I know you there is a bit of truth in this, but trust me you, and her husband wouldn't have her any other way I bet.  And...I was thinking good thing you didn't fall in the bathroom there Deer, you can get zapped good with hairdryers and a wet floor!   Glad to hear you are having a wonderful time wearing your Gramps hat!

There is nothing means more to me than
my faith, my family and my friends.

Tracey
Member Elite
since 2001-08-29
Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding
23 posted 2002-06-01 03:20 AM


Too funny Mike. Ain’t it the truth sometimes you just can’t do right for doing wrong??? Hope you make it back in one piece, with no more mishaps

Everything is possible in the game of life
    (Simple Minds-Promised You a Miracle)

Nan
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Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
24 posted 2002-06-01 08:35 AM


I'm literally sitting here laughing out loud all by myself... This is soooo hilarious... It reminds  me of my visits to my Aunt Nancy's house... After you have dinner at the perfect dinner table, you have to make sure you put the chair back so that the legs fall perfectly into the impressions on the carpet... Only one set of impressions allowed per chair...  

I really love this one, Deer..

[This message has been edited by Nan (06-01-2002 07:25 PM).]

rwood
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since 2000-02-29
Posts 3793
Tennessee
25 posted 2002-06-01 09:36 AM


Awww..you are such a great Gramps to go through all of that and still hang around for her recital. You were at least considerate of your daughter..I've had guests that were just plain nasty not just a klutz. Klutz's need love too!

Sincerely,
Reg

Kit McCallum
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since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
26 posted 2002-06-01 10:23 AM


I laughed at your predicaments …
Of butter, cheese and flood laments;
Oh my … you poor, sweet Balladeer,
Such foibles you've endured, I fear!

I'm sure your daughter doesn't mind
If you are not so well refined …
Just be yourself, don't worry so,
She'll love you anyway, you know.

Who could not love the Balladeer?
His company is best, it's clear …
I know … I've seen your other side …
A guest I'd welcome in, with pride.


LOL … this was great Michael … hope you've had a wonderful visit!

Best wishes and hugs,
/Kit


Marsha
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Maidstone Kent England
27 posted 2002-06-01 07:17 PM


’Deer dearest heart, THIS IS SUPERB, it is so very very funny, and I know just how you feel. In our family the perfectionist is Paul, he is the tidiest person I know. He visits me and cleans up, he even complains about my houseplants and tells me they aren’t growing straight. When he was living at home I used to come home from work and he’d be busy in the kitchen cleaning everything within an inch of its life. I’d say darling I’ve done it, I did it before I went to work and he’s reply, well you probably missed a bit. I love him dearly but he is such a neat-nic.

This is utterly utterly splendid, and Krissy can’t laugh she’s almost as bad, not quite as neat as him but then so few people are.

Absolutely first class writing and I love it sooooooo much


Love and warm stuff
As always
Mushy


Breathe through the heat of our desire
Thy coolness and they balm
Let sense be dumb let flesh retire
Speak through the eathquake wind and fire
Oh

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
28 posted 2002-06-01 07:54 PM


*Nancy wondering how Chris knew this daughter was the first born*
I am the first born too...and I'm the same way!
Loved this Michael.
You are a precious Dad and Grandpa.
Keep those chuckles coming.
~Hugs~

~Somewhere in my heart I'm always
dancing with you in the summer rain~

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