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Open Poetry #20
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Martie
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0 posted 2002-05-24 12:40 PM


      The French Door

The French door is a whisper of open
cool morning air,
with its glass eyes it sees the striped sun
pierce the cold floor of the patio,
then out the gate it sees weaving thin grace  
dress the trees in golden trace of warm.

The French door follows the sun's race
to the pool that quivers at its first touch
into the deep and troubled water,
then sees her sleeping shadow light
like skin to love’s first silken rush.  

The French door is the watcher
as in shiver the dew gives in to warm fingers
and the caress is so slow to capture in one glistening orb,
that alone could be reason for this morn.

Finally, the sun has reached the glass,
after almost too much time has passed,
it  fills the room and spreads across the teal carpet
onto the crumpled morning of my body clothed in bed
to pattern my stretching feet to head with lace instead.  


© Copyright 2002 Martie Odell Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved
Lady In White
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since 2001-02-12
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1 posted 2002-05-24 12:41 PM



French doors are artfully sensuous, are they not?  And you have brought their true character forward in this wonderful penning...

Dark Stranger
Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631
West Coast
2 posted 2002-05-24 12:51 PM


mmmmm

sounds lazy kinda
like slow butter seeping
on warm toast

enjoyed it ms

Marge Tindal
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Florida's Foreverly Shores
3 posted 2002-05-24 12:52 PM


MartieGirl~

'The French door is a whisper of open
cool morning air,
with its glass eyes it sees the striped sun
pierce the cold floor of the patio,
then out the gate it sees weaving thin grace  
dress the trees in golden trace of warm.'


What a lovely whisper you've heard and shared~
*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
         noles1@totcon.com                    

Magnus
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South Carolina, USA
4 posted 2002-05-24 01:32 PM


Martie,  I do love the feel of a whisper
and this write whispers ever so softly in
it's flow and feel.  Thank You..

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
5 posted 2002-05-24 01:34 PM


A beautiful way to start the day, Martie...
and a beautiful written poem....

Now you need some coffee and breakfast!

~ morning hugs

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

Mistletoe Angel
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6 posted 2002-05-24 02:53 PM




(smiles) Awwwwwww, I love this, sweet friend, this is sooooooo beautiful! I have seen these kind of doors at the Denver Art Museum, they are sooooooo enchanting, I love it, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Martie, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Enchantress
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since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
7 posted 2002-05-24 03:31 PM


Martie, I don't ever think I shall look
at my French doors the same again.
How wonderful the images are in this piece!
Soft and gentle...love this, I do.
~Hugs and Luv~

~Somewhere in my heart I'm always
dancing with you in the summer rain~

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

8 posted 2002-05-24 10:17 PM


Hey you...

soft and gentle as usual - what I expect, but not the best I've read from you  

Some suggestions:

How bout removing the its from

'with its glass eyes it sees the striped sun
pierce the cold floor of the patio'

And just having:

'with glass eyes it sees the striped sun
pierce the cold floor of the patio'

avoidance of repetition etc etc..adds to the flow etc etc..

'The French door follows the sun's race
to the pool that quivers at its first touch
into the deep and troubled water,
then sees her sleeping shadow light
like skin to love’s first silken rush.'

I admit that I have problems with this...in some ways it felt like a tongue twister lol...I had to go back and read over it, and the light/like break between the fourth and fifth lines was a real killer M..not sure what you could do with it, but I do suggest revising this one..

The third verse had a similar effect, but not to such a degree - particularly the second line...'as in shiver the dew gives in to warm fingers.' I find myself saying, huh? Not the image per se..just the way it is presented..

I'm also (am I giving you a complex dear? Hope not..) not comfortable with The French Door starting off the first three verses..it seems, clinical - controlled. Contrived even. Flat. Yes - it has a flattening effect.

I think the first line of the fourth verse reads more like a line of prose than a line of a poem. It sounds like a statement. I would definitely reword that..but the last two lines:

'onto the crumpled morning of my body clothed in bed
to pattern my stretching feet to head with lace instead'

superb. I love this image. All in all, you certainly have some beautiful imagery here...and I think this poem has incredible potential...

love ya hon...thanks for letting me ramble, and crit you..

K

  

[This message has been edited by Severn (05-24-2002 10:18 PM).]

JamesMichael
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since 1999-11-16
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Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
9 posted 2002-05-25 03:00 PM


Very nice Martie...James
Mysteria
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British Columbia, Canada
10 posted 2002-05-25 05:33 PM



Oh Martie, this was simply a beautiful images you sent to my mind.  Lovely!

~* Tell someone in your family that you love them today *~

Seymour Tabin
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since 1999-07-07
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Tamarac Fla
11 posted 2002-05-25 06:01 PM


Martie,
Like having breakfast in bed.

vandana
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since 1999-10-22
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USA
12 posted 2002-05-25 06:01 PM


liked it
Cirrus
Member
since 2002-05-12
Posts 55

13 posted 2002-05-25 09:17 PM


Great imagery in this Martie, I can see  those French doors and t he sun filteering through... beautiful.
ethome
Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada
14 posted 2002-05-25 10:28 PM


Like I've stated so many times before....Martie, you write such beautiful pictures. The very essence of virtual reality. Love that last verse!
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