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Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

0 posted 2002-05-16 01:11 PM

more than this

a release of horizon
in pastel color
winding through
trees,   bending
rivers  for that look
of glazed  stone
each time it
rains

would it be the touch
of your lips when I
sleep
a comfort I seek to know

fragments  of  expressions
explaining any question
of love
any subject,   for how I feel
when I draw you near

closer--it seems

I have invited

my self to taste

silver drops of water
cascading down your back
--
brimming in passion
for the slightest feel

a ray of light
in morning
whispers
breaking through
virgin curtains
lighting your eyes
in my reflection

the bluer
flames
of the torch

unsown  in a path
to the depths of my
heart
for one breath

of your touch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would rather have one breath of his hair,
one kiss of his mouth,
one touch of his hand
than an eternity without it.

[This message has been edited by Greeneyes (05-16-2002 06:34 PM).]

Lady In White

Member Elite

since 2001-02-12

Posts 2799
USA

1 posted 2002-05-16 01:24 PM

An apt title
a more than this
read

Interloper

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-06

Posts 8369
Deep in the heart

2 posted 2002-05-16 01:30 PM

I LOVE it!!!
~*~
only my eyes touch
I'm awaiting your signal
sweet invitation

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

3 posted 2002-05-16 01:32 PM

Lauren, this is extremely beautiful and oh so sensual!
Love the way you use words and dance them down the page.
This is a keeper!
~Hugs~

~Somewhere in my heart I'm always
dancing with you in the summer rain~

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

4 posted 2002-05-16 01:55 PM

(smiles) Awwwwww, I love this, sweet friend, I just love how your words always come down the page like its raining on a windowpane! (kiss on cheek) This is wonderful, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Lauren, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

5 posted 2002-05-16 01:57 PM

Every time I read you, I wanna hike through a forest until I find somewhere where I can sleep in it. Which is good!

She said burn ... together.
-TON

elfin_tigress
Member

since 2002-05-15

Posts 101
Someplace

6 posted 2002-05-16 02:00 PM

This is a nice poem.  I like the imagery.  The spacing adds a nice touch.
I feel that this poem conveys a sense of love and lust near obsession.
The touch of color at the end emphasizes the phrase and the point that it makes.  Very good!

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

7 posted 2002-05-16 03:54 PM

you make the rain seem so nice. . . even I would begin to like it. . .

-------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

8 posted 2002-05-16 05:00 PM

Lady in White~

Thank you....very much....hugsss

~~

Interloper~

That was said with much enthusiasm, thank you

~~

Nancy~

thank you for the compliment and for being a constant support of my words I appreciate you.....hugsssss

~~

Noah~

Sweet friend¡Kyou are always so vibrant..hugsss to you.....

~~

bsquirrel~

when you find that place in the forest, settle in and stay awhile it can be most inspiring thank you for your kind words......

~~

elfin_tigress

thank you for coming by, I hope you will enjoy your stay here at Passions..WELCOME

~~

Sven~

sometimes you have to taste the rain, to enjoy the rain.....hugsssss

~~~~~~~~~~~~

many hugssss

Lauren~

I would rather have one breath of his hair,
one kiss of his mouth,
one touch of his hand
than an eternity without it.

[This message has been edited by Greeneyes (05-16-2002 05:06 PM).]

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

9 posted 2002-05-16 06:32 PM

focusing on "blue" was very smart, bright, creative, and PERFECT!

this, as always, breathes softly, yet passionately. the way this began was very well done, setting the tone throughout.

i would, kindly, like to point out a minor typo... uhmm... in your fisrt line: "then" should be "than"

Hugs you

C

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

10 posted 2002-05-16 06:42 PM

liked it

Rotts
New Member

since 2002-05-16

Posts 8
Pittburgh, Pa

11 posted 2002-05-16 06:43 PM

Howdy Greeneyes...Love the wispy, ethereal-like flow of this. I almost felt like I was adrift on a few of your stanzas...

If I could see any room for improvement in your already-wonderfully-written perpetual rain poem, it would be with a slight speed bump in the rhythm in S1.

a release of horizon
in pastel color
winding through
trees,   bending
rivers  for that look
of glazed  stone
each time it
rains.

>>>Maybe it's just me and my cumbersome tongue, but the sounds of "glazed" and "stone" back to back makes this phrase sound very 'hissy', if you don't mind my saying so.

If I could humbly suggest...

   that stone-glazed look

...I would. So lemme know.

Rotts...

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

12 posted 2002-05-16 06:54 PM

good suggestions Rott. it's nice to see constructive, respectful criticisms!

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

13 posted 2002-05-16 07:01 PM

Goodness Lauren, you talk about how lovely
my poems are....Geeez.....this is exceptional
and so sensually soft but very obvious....

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

14 posted 2002-05-16 07:58 PM

Hey Christopher~
thank you twice--

and for pointing out the word/s typo...I have fat fingers, LOL that's my story and I am sticking to it..

..no pun intended....I appreciate your thoughts very much!!...

hugsss

Vandana~

I appreciate you stopping by, thanks much.....

~~

Rott~

I cant admit I thought of that, but will say I was going for more of the glassed look of stones, after they have been weathered by rain, storms, and running water....and YES I really appreciate pointers, so feel free anytime!! (I mean that)....

thank you for your thoughts as well....

~~

Barry~

That coming from the KING of romance, I kindly accept your gracious words....

hugssss.....
~~~~~~~

Lauren~

I would rather have one breath of his hair,
one kiss of his mouth,
one touch of his hand
than an eternity without it.

[This message has been edited by Greeneyes (05-16-2002 08:30 PM).]

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-12-05

Posts 8296
Michigan

15 posted 2002-05-16 08:01 PM

I love the rain, Lauren...
and this beautiful poem reads like it was written by someone who is in love.

loving hugs

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled" Gwendolyn Brooks

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

16 posted 2002-05-16 08:04 PM

Lyra~

You snuck in on me....LOL....
Thank you so much for the kind comment....

loving hugsssss to you....

Lauren~

I would rather have one breath of his hair,
one kiss of his mouth,
one touch of his hand
than an eternity without it.

NapalmsConstantlyConfused

Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 529

17 posted 2002-05-16 09:13 PM

very, very nice
-Dave

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