»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #20
»
To Be Removed
| Open Poetry #20 |
|
To Be Removed |
|
|
ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state 
|
They say this of the markets in the East of cats that look fierce but won't feast; futures are created the moon continues its turn at every quarter...crescents will enlarge... soon a medieval capitol would burn Paper tigers a midnight August moon jaded ornaments adorn oriental afternoons; Tea pours from porcelain cups in pagoda spaces paper tigers come alive in festive village places. Paper tigers parade lantern dragons perform charades mark the streets with no-entrance cabins; moonlight caresses oriental napes, scapes of paper shapes dictate the every quarter... fate draws closer..then escape. Talk circulated from within forbidden walls boxer rebellion had answered city calls aged dowager Tsu expressed urgent need select successor plant forbidden seeds; concubines gingerly climbed ladders of preference opponents would slide into wells of decadence. Foreigners sacked the capitol unpacked Fate urged the queen to decimate enemies wipe the country clear of occupied forts retain control of secluded matters at court. Fate drew it's sword poisin darts hit lovers Tsu grew cold Pearl won the emporers covers, paper dragons marched symbols chimed festivities out from forbidden cities call announced Pu Yi. Pu Yi inherited forbidden walls became a commoner at a communist call paper lanterns swung from breezy pagoda tops new crescent moons grew full futures reshaped Chinese clocks dictated [This message has been edited by ecrivan (05-11-2002 07:05 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Martin Dansky - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The Orient comes alive in this...and the streets and shopkeepers seem very much alive... that is the image I received... more, please... |
||
|
ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
Karilea, Perhaps too short on this one..a story could unfold..time to unstick myself. |
||
|
Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
This is so full of vivid imagery, Martin...but, I think Karilea is right...we need more of the story.  ~tiger hugsLyra |
||
|
VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
Yes, the images are vivid, but there's an underlying angst...especially in that last line. Very tense or would it be more appropriate to say...tenuous? Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Ecrivan...I think you have some really great ideas, and great lines in here. There is so much potential in this poem for raw emotion and vital imagery. My honest opinion..you mention in your critique blurb that you want to be informed of different contemporary poetry styles. Well, this poem I think would definitely achieve its potential if you lost the rhyme - most of which sounds a little forced. Why don't you try writing this in freeverse - and make the style less formal..ie, without the four line verses you currently have. This poem needs to be free...  K |
||
|
ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
Severn, thanks for the suggestions |
||
|
ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
Vas, the angst has been released..in the form of a poetic version of the last years in the forbidden city  |
||
|
ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
Lyra, here is the new and improved..sounds like I'm selling a better brand |
||
|
ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
Karilea, I have extended the poem and added a turn of the century tale |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
