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Open Poetry #20
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I Need Hardcore Critiques Quick!!!
| Open Poetry #20 |
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I Need Hardcore Critiques Quick!!! |
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Voiceless Senior Member
since 2001-02-19
Posts 686Under the stars upon the wind |
Sorry you guys for the urgency but I have to present this tomorrow in front of my peers and something about it is bugging me. It is for a assembly on drinking and driving.. What do you think, and what changes should be made? I am not to big on it so say everything and anything you wish to! Thanks! Within A world of books and tests she found her daily route she wanted so much for some time to rest but still her life grinded on Now he was a little bit different trouble knew him by name He found himself upon the streets on his mother he put the blame She wanted to have some excitement the good girl good family was a bore the world is full of inticement she had so much but wanted more His fingers played within the gutter as he thought about what he should do A whispered oath he uttered he was still young but his life was almost through The night life was her calling as she snuck out of her room there was no more time stalling her life was on the boom He walked in tht cold down the cracked sidewalks, bare Clutched a piece of paper in his hold he nervously ran hs fingers in his hair The party scence swirled she took another drink out to the car she whirled never once did she stop to think It's all mom's fault he thought his insides coiled in tension This wasn't the life he sought But he was long over due for this session Laughter spewed from her sloppy grin she carelessly sped and the wheel began to spin but yet caution never entered her head Head down he stepped off on the street he still couldn't believe he was here But it was time for them to meet rejection his number one fear The night hung silently grasping holding all close minutes are faithfully passing there is no time left for a final repose A deep hum is arising A clock strikes 10:45 paths are about to be crossing But yet the stars still shine She took a corner quick He raised his ashened face She didn't see him before she hit She didn't even slow her pace He crumbled to the rocky ground His body shook and shuttered the cold was all around his cracked lips formed words that would never be uttered Tears painted red began to drop waves of pain begin to swell the world seemed to have stopped as slowly his heartbeat slowly fell He looked faithfully towards the sky he opened his hand and closed his eyes and laying where it did land imprinted in the paper white in a fatal river of black lay the words i forgive you mother and happy mother's day and hopefully a new start. the wind blew the vow of a dieing son slowly towards the gutter and as she drove of the road the clock struck 11 (Well people there it is I need lots of help and quick!) Thank you for your time! Freedom is not Free (Korean War memorial) |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jennifer K.G. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
I worked on this for a while, and got half the way thru it. take a side by side comparison of the rhythm changes for meter, the dropping of helping words (and, he, but, etc) and making the noun become a verb-ing which combines two words when the meter is long. I wish i had more time, but hope this gets you started. God Speed, and hope you stay with poetry: it hones the soul. A) Within A world of books and tests B) she found her daily route C) she wanted so much for some time to rest D) but still her life grinded on I think the poem works better with the longer lines in the B and D position: She found her daily route within a world of books and tests Still, her life ground on and on She wanted so much for time to rest (keep the beats the same (rhythm if possible) she wanted so much for time to rest but still her life ground on (grinded is not a word) Now he was a little bit different trouble knew him by name He found himself upon the streets on his mother he HUNG the blame She had always needed excitement good girl - good family: a bore in a world stuffed with enticement she had so much, yet wanted more. His hand obsessed, held onto gutter pondering what he should do Hushed and whispered oath he utters Too young for life to be almost through. Ah, but the night life was her calling as she stole out of her room it would do no more good for stalling for a young girl in full bloom. He walked in his private cold down sidewalks, cracked and bare Paper in a deathgrip hold running nervous fingers thru hair a party dance scene swirled she took another drink she’d take the car for a whirl never once did she stop to think. It's all mom's fault he thought his insides coiled in tension This wasn't the life he sought long over due was this session Laughter spewed from her sloppy grin onward she carelessly sped and the wheel began to spin caution ends when a bottle is led [This message has been edited by ShadowRider (05-07-2002 09:52 PM).] |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Excellent ideas here. ShadowRider is right, good start...keep it simple. Sometimes it helps me to do a spell check and then line by line weave the parts together... When a poem has taken on its own life, it is similar in length line by line... If a line is longer, it usually declares a punch or a promise...the unexpected. This is great. Good luck. ThisDiamond |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Jenn, you have been given some great advice here..... You're off to a good start...best of luck. ~Hugs~ |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
I wish I had seen this earlier, Jen...when I could have had some time to work on it like Jeff did...but he has offered you some excellent suggestions. I think the poem has some very powerful ideas in it and is cleverly presented. The only other suggestion I have is that you correct your spelling errors.  ~good luck hugsLyra |
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