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Passions in Poetry

Rhymed Compromise

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bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


25 posted 05-07-2002 02:07 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Your words are a healing balm to the unreachable moments of darkness that still and bite and chide away at the more honest core of happiness.

Er .......

Yeh, that made little to no sense. Y' got me babbling, Butterfly Slippers. Duck and cover.

Loved this.

Thanks for sharing.

More!

Yay.

Bye fr nah.
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


26 posted 05-07-2002 05:53 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Thank you to: Martie, Marge, Tara, Nancy, Duncan,(several times) Tracey, Noah, Krista, Melis, KA, Sharon, Lauren, Bridget, SBJ, DS, Sunshine, Sy-babes, Poet Chris...and Poetess Chris.. and BSQ for the reads and generous replies...I appreciate them and you so very much.

Dunc ... we will feel the pain either way...the poetry gives us a place to express it when we are ready...(IKTYK) and ya know that old saying..."sometimes the pain is the only thing that lets me know Im alive."


Chris... I'll try to not rhyme whilst answering your question
I bolded the parts of the conversation that were meant to be my muses words, so as to clarify the converstational aspect of this...I have done a few others of these types and some said it was hard to follow an "all dialogue" read that went on so long.. so I thought doing that might help make it easier to read and understand. I first tried 2 different colors and it didnt work for me at all.
anyway..thats my reason..or method to my madness
So glad you enjoyed those extra evil internal rhymes..

Mike...your "nonsense" made perfect sense... thank you
snowpants
Member Elite
since 09-16-2000
Posts 2086
KS


27 posted 05-07-2002 06:36 PM       View Profile for snowpants   Email snowpants   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit snowpants's Home Page   View IP for snowpants

"Of never being inspired like that again ...
of never touching the warm, the way I did back then.
Of never quieting this ache that burns from within,
of never being loved again, the way I was when loved by him."

     "The inspiration will be yours again,
all you have to do is let me in ...
then trust again in your promised pen."

     "I'm not promising the words will always rhyme,
I have to find my own way this time."

     "That will always be your choice to decide,
the inspire ... is mine to provide.
From silent stirrings deep inside ...
is born a poet's versed voice in cadenced confide.
Let nothing nor no one try to turn this tide.
The tears ... they must be cried ...
the words ... must not ever be denied."

Ohhh yeah, J's talking to herself again and blaming it on her muse... ...but I love every bit of it!!  Really though...you know I admire your knack for rhyme and cadence, even when you feel weighed down by it...go with the flow, but this isn't something you haven't already heard 10,000 times, right??  huh??  huh??     Well, J...awesome write...as always

k        

I've been down this road forever,
and the time has come to circle back home...

Aimster
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since 02-19-2000
Posts 4367
Charlotte, NC


28 posted 05-07-2002 10:43 PM       View Profile for Aimster   Email Aimster   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aimster

Jan,

this was some of your most excellent
work...the flow and structure have
left me literally in awe...but it's the
emotion you display that really hit me.
i felt every word of every line of this,
and though yes parts are sad and were
quite hard to read...i am so proud of you
for so freely expressing your emotions.
it takes a lot for us to dig this deep
inside, enough to be truthful with our
selves and write the good and the bad...
you are such a talented woman and i
stand beside you gladly in both friendship
and poetry...it's a true honor to still
be reading you two years after i've
started. you're wonderful and so is your
gift of write...take care.
love ya.
me

"you can't stop
the rain
from pouring down
can't stop the
world from turning 'round
can't stop me from
loving you
no matter
what you do"

EagleOne
Member Elite
since 03-07-2000
Posts 2858
Between a laugh and a tear...


29 posted 05-08-2002 03:12 AM       View Profile for EagleOne   Email EagleOne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for EagleOne

Once again Janet you leave me speechless...

We are all just prisoners here of our own device ~ Hotel California, The Eagles

tracie66
Member Elite
since 01-18-2000
Posts 4587
Victoria, Australia


30 posted 05-08-2002 04:00 AM       View Profile for tracie66   Email tracie66   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit tracie66's Home Page   View IP for tracie66

============================================


     "Let's do this the way we have so many times before ...
walk with me through this last door.
What are you so afraid of?" (she inquired once more.)

     "Of never being inspired like that again ...
of never touching the warm, the way I did back then.
Of never quieting this ache that burns from within,
of never being loved again, the way I was when loved by him."
============================================

Oh WOW!!!!! BRAVO!!!! sweet Janny girl
this is truly exceptional writing, I enjoyed this so very much...well done, well penned
~HUGS~
Tracie

Love is the life of the soul...
It is the harmony of the universe


rwood
Member Elite
since 02-29-2000
Posts 3797
Tennessee


31 posted 05-08-2002 06:25 AM       View Profile for rwood   Email rwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rwood

"Of never being inspired like that again ...
of never touching the warm, the way I did back then.
Of never quieting this ache that burns from within,
of never being loved again, the way I was when loved by him."

     "The inspiration will be yours again,
all you have to do is let me in ...
then trust again in your promised pen."

     "I'm not promising the words will always rhyme,
I have to find my own way this time."

     "That will always be your choice to decide,
the inspire ... is mine to provide.
From silent stirrings deep inside ...
is born a poet's versed voice in cadenced confide.
Let nothing nor no one try to turn this tide.
The tears ... they must be cried ...
the words ... must not ever be denied."


Read this one 3 times and this same word keeps popping up at me "write". There is something magical in what you write that goes beyond what is normally absorbed. Whether you rhyme or just put a comment on a page it is real, it is powerful, it is emotive. Kharisma..yes..(Greek) meaning devine favor..a quality your voice and writing has to me..maybe your muse has always known it. I felt this whole poem but the ending stanzas hit me so hard. Write..please write.

Sincerely,
Reg

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


32 posted 05-08-2002 07:53 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Kris...Amy...Eddie...Tracie...& Reggie...
thank you seems to little to say for such generous replies...but I do thank each of you for your words of encouragement and friendship...
you humble me...thank you for taking the time to read this mused epic

thank you to all who stopped by and shared your thoughts.
my love to poetry land.
jm and me moody mothy muse

... and I don't know why ...
Why should love come down and just sweep me away
I want to fly ... but there are so many things in my way.

J Browne

Kit McCallum
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since 04-30-2000
Posts 16920
Ontario, Canada


33 posted 05-09-2002 07:00 AM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

"Some things are better left unsaid ...
left buried like the dead, left alone in my head.
Some things are better kept inside ...
you don't know the times I've tried,
you don't know the tears I've cried."

"Why do you always need me to bleed?
You think I don't know that it's off my pain you feed?
Then you go away leaving me in quiet concede.
I'm tired of begging you for inspiration ...
tired of this desperation. I no longer feel the anticipation.
I cant live up to your expectations."

"Ask yourself how you got so lost while standing still?"



Ah, my dear gator gal ... this was a splendid read!  I got swept into the conversation from the very beginning, and you held me with your honesty, and genuine ponderance and search for answers within the lines through to the end. This had a wonderful conversational feel ... loved this JM ... much enjoyed!

Best wishes and hugs,
/Kit
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


34 posted 05-09-2002 11:12 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Kit....thank you my gator girl...
ya know I had to find an excuse and good use for all the talking to myself I do  
Hope you are feeling better...thanks for coming in and finding me...I havent posted one in awhile

When your own emptiness is all thats getting through
There comes a point when youre not sure why youre still talking...
I passed that point long ago

[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (05-10-2002 01:16 AM).]

suthern
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Member Seraphic
since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


35 posted 05-10-2002 11:41 AM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

It's so easy to believe that words are our friends and our tools... but they sometimes seem to be fair-weather friends, leaving us silent when the important things need to be said... "some things just cant be held by rhyme." *S* However, I usually find that it's not the rhyme restrictions that's causing the block... it's the unwillingness to fully open myself again to the pain, the hesitation to submerge once more in the emotions when each baby-step away from their control has exacted such cost. *S*

I liked the bolding but was a bit bothered by the indentations? *S* Otherwise, this was a poetic purge worth waiting for. *S*
Janet Marie
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since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


36 posted 05-10-2002 12:23 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

quoting Ruth :
"it's the unwillingness to fully open myself again to the pain, the hesitation to submerge once more in the emotions"
===================
yes...exactly...which is what I was just telling my muse..
maybe she'll listen to you .. she blows me off *S*

As for the indentations...It is my understanding that "proper form" when writing in converstation, is that we are to indent each time a new person begins speaking.
Like you, I also found it distracting & didnt like the way it "looked in the presentation" of the poem, but opted to stay with what I believed was the correct way grammatically speaking. If anyone knows this to be different where poetry is concerned...please teach me, as I want to learn to do it right.
Thank you Ruth-girlie, for your insight & kind words. Good to see you in here again...in spite of the werk monster.

When your own emptiness is all thats getting through
There comes a point when youre not sure why youre still talking...
I passed that point long ago

Gentle Spirit
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since 10-09-2000
Posts 14329


37 posted 05-11-2002 05:21 PM       View Profile for Gentle Spirit   Email Gentle Spirit   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Gentle Spirit

There are so very many ghosts....


"I don't think I can go that deep ...
there are some secrets I need to keep.
Sometimes I don't want you reading my mind
and some things just cant be held by rhyme."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Some things are better left unsaid ...
left buried like the dead, left alone in my head.
Some things are better kept inside ...
you don't know the times I've tried,
you don't know the tears I've cried."


so many things I leave go unsaid Janet, they are kept so closely
to me.  Writing is a wonderful avenue of release even when the words
are not shared..........this leaves me in awe of your writing with
pride that you are who you are.....and that's a good thing.  

Like a red brick,
in a white wall
somebodies brush
forgot to paint...
lonely....(as sung by Tracy Lawrence..)

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


38 posted 05-11-2002 06:10 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

This is so honest and beautiful, Janet Marie.

"I'm not promising the words will always rhyme,
I have to find my own way this time."

I have often had this same conversation with my own muse

~non-rhyming hugs

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

Logan
Senior Member
since 05-28-2001
Posts 1691
Arkansas


39 posted 05-11-2002 11:16 PM       View Profile for Logan   Email Logan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Logan

Step one, then two..then the pathway..very gentle smile
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


40 posted 05-12-2002 09:31 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Thank you Donna, Lyra and Logan ....
forgive me for taking so long to thank you...we keep having storms here and power outtages....I'm falling behind in all my replies...( doesnt mother nature know I have poetry to read?)
I thank you for these lovely remarks and for your encouragement.

thank you  again to all who read this.
my love to poetry land.
jm

When your own emptiness is all thats getting through
There comes a point when youre not sure why youre still talking...
I passed that point long ago

ethome
Member Patricius
since 05-14-2000
Posts 11545
New Brunswick Canada


41 posted 05-27-2002 05:38 AM       View Profile for ethome   Email ethome   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit ethome's Home Page   View IP for ethome

Janet:
Waht a marvelous display of your inner self. Frustrated or not you're still you and that muse of yours is really your dearest friend. She argues eloquently with you throughout this piece.
Never to leave you your muse will stimulate that wonderful soulful approach to writing you've always possessed. The words and feelings will flow together.........

I'd like you to read the following words carefully my dear fiend


                      The minstrel of the dawn is here
                   To make you laugh and bend your ear
                    Up the steps you'll hear him climb
                    All full of thoughts, all full of rhymes
                        Listen to the pictures flow
                  Across the room into your mind they go
                           Listen to the strings
                          They jangle and dangle
                         While the old guitar rings
                                      
                          The minstrel of the dawn is he
                           Not too wise but oh so free
                         He'll talk of life out on the street
                         He'll play it sad and say it sweet
                            Look into his shining face
                       Of lonelines you'll always find a trace
                              Just like me and you
                          He's trying to get into things
                              More happy than blue
                                      
                         A minstrel of the changing tide
                        He'll ask for nothing but his pride
                         Just sit him down upon that chair
                        Go fetch some wine and set it there
                           Listen to the pictures flow
                       And follow the fingers where they go
                              Listen to the strings
                             They jangle and dangle
                            While the old guitar rings
                                      
                          A minstrel of the dawn is near
                         Just like a step he'll fetch it here
                         He's like an old time troubador
                        Just wanting life and nothing more
                           Look into his shining eyes
                     And if you see a ghost don't be surprised
                               Like me and you
                          He's trying to get into things
                             More happy than blue
                                      
                         The minstrel boy will understand
                         He holds a promise in his hand
                          He talks of better days ahead
                       And by his words your fortune's read
                           Listen to the pictures flow
                      Across the room into your mind they go
                              Listen to the strings
                             They jangle and dangle
                            While the old guitar rings
                                      
                         The minstrel of the dawn is gone
                         I hope he'll call before too long
                         And if you meet him you must be
                           The victim of his minstrelsy
                         He'll  sing for you a song
                            The minstrel of the dawn

                           written by Gordon Lightfoot

The role of poetry is to utter the un-utterable; to open up
spaces of consciousness and resistance; to language oppressions; to
re-language historie

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


42 posted 05-27-2002 10:55 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Eric....thank you my friend for your insight and encouragement...and for taking the time to come find one of mine on back pages...it means a lot to me ...I know I dont post very often anymore.
thank you also for the song verse...
no surprise we both love Gord too.
Canada's answer to Van
thanks E-babes, youre the man.

I remembering being one and the same ...
closer even than the heat and the flame.

Tom Kimmel

Mother_Earth
Senior Member
since 11-20-2000
Posts 1387
1/2 year Texas & 1/2 year Mich


43 posted 05-29-2002 09:50 PM       View Profile for Mother_Earth   Email Mother_Earth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mother_Earth

Janet, the more I read this master piece the more I read into it.  Just when I think I have it or you figured out....I decide I got it ALL wrong.  One thing I did decide is I loved it and you gave me a lot of things to think about.  A lovely piece of work,  ME
Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


44 posted 05-29-2002 09:52 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


Oh yes, the good stuff comes
back to the top...

like cream...

meow
Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


45 posted 05-29-2002 10:09 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

Don't you jsut love those mental tug-of-wars? No matter which way you go, you never win, but you never lose. You have a gifted muse twin.
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


46 posted 05-30-2002 12:36 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

M.E.   ...  Hey...welcome back... so good to see your name here...thank you for such a wonderful compliment...and if ya ever do figure my muse out...please enlighten me, cuz Im always chasing after her trying to have my say. lol


Sunshine... LOL ....is that cream or ambrosia?   rofl...
hey-- they say hot air rises too.     
and MEOW baby...meow !!
TY


Kacy...So good to find your name here too...thanks for stoping in and reading my muse's purge...we have a love-hate-rhyme thing going on
thank you girlie for the encouragement.


thanks again to all who came by and shared your thoughts and kindness.
my love to Poetry Land
jm

I remembering being one and the same ...
closer even than the heat and the flame.

Tom Kimmel

Duncan
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since 08-07-2001
Posts 5716


47 posted 05-30-2002 07:38 PM       View Profile for Duncan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Duncan

"I'm not promising the words will always rhyme,
I have to find my own way this time."

Rhyming is bad!!  Thought we'd been over this before.  Feel and write.  Distill.  Rewrite.  It's that simple...lol!


Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where I started
Chasing after you

Lifehouse

Allan Riverwood
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since 01-04-2001
Posts 4212
Winnipeg


48 posted 05-30-2002 08:08 PM       View Profile for Allan Riverwood   Email Allan Riverwood   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allan Riverwood

JM... long time no read.     This is definitely something to which I must reply.  I can't resist.

Generally, I'd have to say that I agree with Chris that the rhyme took a lot away from much of the poem.  It wasn't good for the flow in some places... a rhymed dialogue can be a good idea, and I probably would have attempted it as well, were I in your place.  But for some reason, it just didn't work in this poem.  It took more away than it gave.  I could see you labouring a bit on some of the rhymes (like that sore thumb of a fourth line, for example), and that hurt the poem quite a bit.  One reason I can think of is that you spread your rhymes out so far that the rhythm didn't catch them.  A bit of meter would have probably complimented the rhymes and ensured their proximity was effective... at least, in my humble opinion.  Absent of this, crunching the rhymes a bit closer together would help them come across more smoothly.  I'll go over it a second time now, trying to ignore the rhyme and take it as a dialogue.  Which will be difficult to do, but hey, I'll give it a shot.  

Okay, some more general comments after the second read.  Firstly, I disagree with Chris that the bold was all that unnecessary.  I liked how it made it easier to see who was saying what.  Although, maybe italics would have been a nicer way of going about this.  I still liked the distinction.

What bothered me was that, at the beginning, you were using out-of-quotation words in your sentences.  like, "came the reply."  But after the first two times, you pretty much left that one dangling.  Why didn't you use it a bit more, later on in?  You could have done a lot to talk about the tones of the two parties, the sound of their words, etc.  

Now we go into specifics...

quote:
"You haven't even scratched the surface yet,
you know you have to, and you know the reasons why."


Like I said, sore thumb.  The second line of this little duo sounds completely tried and inarticulate.  Maybe you should consider rewording this a bit, if you revise this dialogue.

You open up after these few lines, though, and bloom into longer stanzas.  I suppose you were trying to establish a healthy introductory section before moving into the more evenly sized stanzas?  It works, if that's your intent.  I do like how the poem evolves, then shortens towards the end.  But this is getting general again, so I'll move on.

The entire torso of this poem has a lot of meat in it, but sometimes it lacks nutrition, if you get me.  There are some very deep sentiments, but they are often flanked by redundancy, or lines that seem almost unnecessary.  And some of it goes into pretty generalized emotions that don't explain themselves.  Like this stanza:

quote:
"Some things are better left unsaid ...
left buried like the dead, left alone in my head.
Some things are better kept inside ...
you don't know the times I've tried,
you don't know the tears I've cried."


That entire stanza kinda made me cringe, to be honest.  You had some really thought-poking lines earlier in the poem, in the previous bold stanza, with some good imagery.  Then you followed up with this somewhat weak and broad expression of general anxiety... come to think of it, this poem could use some fancification.  Where are all your trademark images and creative wordings that make me stop and grin during the poem?  I somehow feel you missed out on that a bit.

I know that what you're saying in this stanza is important in the entire poem, but I'd spice the stanza up more with a few more fancy symbols or something.  

Next stanza, after that one, is cool... I like the reuse of the -ection rhyme, it sounded neat.  Kind of quizzical, like a cheshire cat.  Really helps the tone of the poem.

Now the only reason I sound so critical of this poem is because it's so big, and there's so much I found that I felt was worth commenting.  I do enjoy your poetry, JM.  And I did enjoy this one.  Even the conclusion, as usual in your writing, was strong and left me loving the poem.  You drew a nice connection between the two parties here, with a good mix of inquiry and cynicism.  Bravo.

~Allan

p.s.  You used the word "cadenced" twice.  I'm only mentionin that because I'd want someone to point that out to me.  

All images begin in mirrors and end inside our subconsious.
~Genesis P-Orridge, "Thee Reversal of Fate"

[This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (05-30-2002 08:10 PM).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


49 posted 05-31-2002 07:55 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Dunc...you and Chris are gonna both be in the workshop at Nan's blackboard writing
RHYME RULES      Tell me how rhyme is so evil and yet 99.9% of music lyrics rhyme???? Hmmmm???? Rob rhymes   As for distilling...yeah..that I SO need to learn...
simple? Simple minded.....yeah TY

Cant stand up for fallin apart
Cant see through this veil across my heart, over you-
Youll always be the one.
You were the first, youll be the last

 
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