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Open Poetry #20
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Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven

0 posted 2002-05-04 10:19 PM


         
whispers
     cannot compare
                    to a touch
              words
                    cannot carry
the weight of
         an embrace
             even listening
                  to every piece of you
  is not as powerful
         as  the feeling
            of  skin
                    on  skin

          reality is
     the air  you breathe
                      the earth
        that supports you
                       the fires
             that warm you
                    the waters
           that cleanse you

          fantasy
ever so sweet
           cannot compete
      with the beauty
                of reality
         just as a whisper
            is no match for
                        a touch

the father of our surdity
     is separation
          and  perversion  
             its  issue
       the kindest thoughts
become illegitimate
   parodies of
humorless misunderstanding


words you
   don’t want to hear
      however softly spoken
resonate with the pain
     of  disillusion and
echo their discontent
at being held hostage
in this game of silent
   disappearance

intentions are ignored
     honesty is unwanted
         without touch
even kindness is forgotten
       until soon we are only
playing catch
    with dirty snowballs
          in the rain




[This message has been edited by Jamie (05-04-2002 11:04 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Jamie Patterson - All Rights Reserved
Mistletoe Angel
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Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
1 posted 2002-05-04 10:26 PM


"     fantasy
ever so sweet
           cannot compete
      with the beauty
                of reality
         just as a whisper
            is no match for
                        a touch"




WOW!!! Oh Jamie, we have all missed you so so much, I am delighted to see your name pop up on here again, YAY!!! (big hugggsssss) It too saddens me to see so many of us forsaking our fantasies and our springs and how we touch one another and rather be treated like ghosts to our existance, sweet friend, I on;y pray for a renaissance to come to take away this winter and these snowball fights of imbroglio we have fallen in! (sigh) This is excellent, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jamie, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Ivy Rose
Senior Member
since 2001-12-29
Posts 1300
MA, USA
2 posted 2002-05-04 11:33 PM


Jamie...I especially loved how this poem began.  Stunning writing throughout.

***Ivy Rose

Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
3 posted 2002-05-05 02:48 AM


Sure nice to see you writing again, and you hit the point hard, and it's true that there is nothing like the real thing' face to face, eye to eye!  I can't help but relate your poem to the world of the internet, supplying more illusion and promise, than it can ever deliver.  I really liked this Jamie, it flowed down the page beautifully the way you presented it, and loved the last two truthful lines.

Imagination is more important that knowledge
~* Einstein said so *~
,font size=1>

[This message has been edited by Mysteria (05-05-2002 02:53 AM).]

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
4 posted 2002-05-05 03:27 AM


A touch sais so much that wispers can't express
Touch plus whispers is better
But just whispers isn't enough
This left me a little sad, but inspired by your writing
Masterfully expressed
Liz

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
5 posted 2002-05-05 06:14 PM


Jamie

I have thought about this many times...since we are connected to so many more now through the internet...where relationships are built on words alone.  Very interesting, thought filled writing.  I enjoyed it!

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
6 posted 2002-05-05 07:08 PM


Jamie, very interesting write as I too relate this to the Internet...
there certainly isn't anything like the real thing.
The opening on this was absolutely beautiful!
Well done.
~Hugs~

~Somewhere in my heart I'm always
dancing with you in the summer rain~

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
7 posted 2002-05-05 09:39 PM


you

          fantasy
ever so sweet
           cannot compete
      with the beauty
                of reality
         just as a whisper
            is no match for
                        a touch

It doesn't do the poem justice to yank out one section out of context, but I really, really like this part. Thanks for sharing this truth, in such a sensitive and  thoughtful way.

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
8 posted 2002-05-05 10:42 PM


Exceptional and heartfelt Jamie. This is one of your best.
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

9 posted 2002-05-05 10:48 PM


Yes...and? shame on me for reading so many times and not even leaving a dropping of a hint that I'd been here. Smile. This must be my dropping!

totally wonderful...


and you got me thinking about "legitimate"

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
10 posted 2002-05-05 11:42 PM


thanks everyone-- I think by the replies everyone thinks pretty much as I do-- that I lost my way sometime about the middle of this--lol

thanks again
J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

rosepetals25
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Member Elite
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076
PA
11 posted 2002-05-05 11:59 PM


Jamie,

    I don't think I have ever read you before I do know that I really like this I will have to watch for you

Hugs,
Tara

"My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read"
     - Motley Crue, Home Sweet Home

NapalmsConstantlyConfused
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 529

12 posted 2002-05-06 12:56 PM


i will echo my girlfriend here, as i have never read your work before either. where'd you come from? i liiiiiike it.

more please.

-Dave

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

13 posted 2002-05-06 01:04 AM


um...where might you think you've lost it? (ready to argue)

It could not have been:

Oh. damn. went through the first three verses, and was ready to pull that one down, but realized it had my favorite lines:

"the father of our surdity
     is separation
          and  perversion  
             its  issue
       the kindest thoughts
become illegitimate
   parodies of
humorless misunderstanding"

the very language of this bespeaks the emotion. (and yes, I do know that there was a b astardization of your chosen word here-- )

Now...let's continue on...the issue of a legitimate, is after all, PERCEPTION...

HUGS to ya, Jamie..awesome write.

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
14 posted 2002-05-06 01:23 AM


i'm disagreeing with the thought that you lost it... the 'change' in tone actually fit to me, providing a basis of understanding in regard to the toll waiting/distance can take on a person, relationship, thoughts... i really think that not only fed well into the concept, but helped aid the concept; you carried both example and interest to the end (which i admit kind of threw me in relation to subject matter, but was such a cool image it didn't matter.)

what i think might help a lot is to a) ditch... or at least tone down - the indentation. it is very distracting, and i can't think of a legitimate (heh) reason for it to exist. b) add some punctuation boy! *smile* i really think that even a couple commas and periods would add to the flow considerably.

the subject matter... uhm. dang. of course it's felt. of course, it's apt. the line "just as a whisper/is no match for/a touch" is one of the best i've seen for a while, and fairly rocketed the reader (ok, ME) into the emotion of the poem... i'm even wondering if you could move it ahead a little, as it REALLY sets the mood.

one last thing - i'm torn on "fantasy/ever so sweet/cannot compete" because the 'ever so sweet' seems somewhat cliche... but i really liked the incidental rhyme there. so just noting my thought on that.

in all J, i think you ran this through admirably well.

C

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
15 posted 2002-05-06 04:29 AM


A pleasure to read this...James
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

16 posted 2002-05-06 08:13 AM


I hate to say it, I really do, but I agree with C on the indentations. Oh, I know where you're going..but nah...

kill them eh? Longer sentences...adding to the flow.

Over all...I like this a lot, and omg can I relate.

I'm glad you worked on it enough to finally post it hon

love ya

K

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

17 posted 2002-05-06 02:47 PM


Loved those images, particularly the dirty snowballs in the rain and silent disappearance. Awesome.
Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
18 posted 2002-05-06 03:07 PM


Thanks for the encouraging replies--I may play with it a bit more...

J

Aimster
Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297
Charlotte, NC
19 posted 2002-05-06 05:10 PM


jamie,

one of your finest writes hon...i thought
your sentence structure and thoughts
was dead on...wonderfully penned my
friend...i'm not much on critiquing, but
i really wanted you to know i enjoyed
this piece and i don't really see
where you "lost it"...but i'll keep
looking hehe I honestly related to
this piece...there's nothing like the
real touch and face to look at is there?
take care. please write me soon. i've
missed you very much.
love ya.
amy

"you can't stop
the rain
from pouring down
can't stop the
world from turning 'round
can't stop me from
loving you
no matter
what you do"

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

20 posted 2002-05-10 05:02 PM


Jamie, as you know I can relate.
And I don't see where you have lost it.
It's a great and thought provoking write hon.

It's going into my library.......

and why didnt you send me notice of this poem hmmmmm? I'm waiting! arms crossed and foot tapping

Maree

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
21 posted 2002-05-10 07:00 PM


Jamie's in tr-oub-le.
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