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Open Poetry #20
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Oh, Daffodil...my first sonnet...
| Open Poetry #20 |
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Oh, Daffodil...my first sonnet... |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
the stresses are off in the 2nd line...but I am as pleased as punch with my 1st attempt at a form I always felt was way out of my reach. Oh Daffodil oh daffodil of golden tresses glow ruffled in a gleaming ivory dress you stand quite alert, and your glamors show while springtime sun’s rays give you sweet caress though bulb, your very pith, through winter lie your slumber parting sand and wormy soil above the earth, your weathered leaves to die no matter winter’s strength, it will not spoil quite tall of stem and slender are your leaves your depth of green, envy epitomized temptation hollers loud to passing thieves your glorious color is so highly prized so blossom true and everlasting glee and I will ever seek to welcome thee ©April 30, 2002 Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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| © Copyright 2002 Virginia Salter - All Rights Reserved | |||
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BloomingRose Member Elite
since 2000-08-09
Posts 3092Florida |
This is very very good. I am impressed. I love the imagery as well as the words. Simply outstanding work! Deb |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Stresses also off in the 3rd and 10th lines but, Vas, for a first try, it is exceptional. Syllable count on the money as is the rhyme scheme...and you tied it all together very well...I am impressed, m'lady  |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
VAS, I must agree with 'Deer....superb for a first sonnet....very nicely done.. |
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
ah, yes, I can remove the "quite" in the 3rd line and let the comma be the unstressed syllable. Counting it, it still will give me 10. I believe, however, that the 10th line is correct, at least as I read it. Came back to say this, I counted wrong, yes the word envy in the 10th line has to be read with the stress on the 2nd syllable rather than the normal first. I'm okay with that, though, even if I shouldn't be. I do have a possible change for line 2, also. What do you think about : "well ruffled in a gleaming iv'ry dress?" Thanks all for your comments and good eye. Whether on the shoal or on the shore, I'll seek the lighthouse evermore. [This message has been edited by VAS (05-04-2002 03:45 PM).] |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Yes, VAS, that is an excellent change for the 10th line. Nice... No, you can't count a comma as an unstressed syllable...sorry. You could say "You stand alert and let your glamours show" or "you stand alert. All see your glamours show" or something to that effect, though. I think it's great that you are working hard to make it right  |
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Elan Member
since 2002-05-03
Posts 382State of Wide Eye |
One can definitely say the imagery is there! |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  (smiles) Awwwwwww, I love this, sweet friend, yep, and if you take Balladeer's advice, it will truly be a perfect sonnet as it already is! (kiss on cheek) This is fabulous, sweet friend, I love it, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Virginia, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
You go girl. With teacher Balladeer closeby it will not end at this first try I like it. A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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