Just Another Woman (Posted from Teen #5 for more critique)

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Salooma
Senior Member

since 2000-01-28

Posts 781

0 posted 2002-05-01 05:50 PM

Just Another Woman

Her heart’s been broken by a million men.
Her pride’s been shattered too.
She’s old, she’s tired, she’s angry,
Cause the world ignores her cries.
The world forgets her pain.
To them she’s just another woman.

Her arms have hugged the defeated, the dying.
Her face is stained with blood.
Her heart is stung with the bullets of words,
Her body suffers the pain of anger.
Yet she still endures,
But to many she’s just another woman.

Her eyes have seen too much hatred,
They’ve witnessed too little love.
Her ears have heard their screams and shouts.
Her own are left unheard.
She even says to herself,
“I’m just another woman.”

She’s hurt and been hurt,
By their artificial storms, their violence.
She’s read all their goodbyes,
Seen their fragile bodies shatter.
But she’s still strong.
She’s still called just another woman.

She’s fought before,
Against a force of thousands.
But the fight is still within her.
She’s left to sort out the conflicts,
That they’ll never understand.
Is she still just another woman?

She’s unacknowledged, ignored,
Betrayed and isolated.
Yet she still screams to the top of her dying lungs,
“Help me!”
“I am your home. I am Jerusalem!”
She’ll never be just another woman.

4/11/02

*I posted this in Teen and was hoping I'd get more critique and comments from those here in open. I've only posted here once, please any comments, suggestions, anything is welcome. I want to enter this into a writing contest so please any comments would be great. Thanks, SK*

Note to Moderator: If you don't want this post in both Teen and Open please feel free to close the post in Teen. Thank you.

[This message has been edited by Ron (06-25-2011 10:01 AM).]

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

1 posted 2002-05-01 08:24 PM

For more critique from our discerning members, the Critical Analysis Forum is a great resource...

bsquirrel

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-01-03

Posts 7855

2 posted 2002-05-01 08:46 PM

I liked this... The end really took me by surprise and gave me a little shake (and, after it was done removing my coins from the floor and placing them beneath its tongue, it placed me feet-first back down)

Yeh. I liked this.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

3 posted 2002-05-01 09:02 PM

This is really good Salma...the ending is very powerful.

A couple of suggestions regarding the last verse. As this is the verse that brings to light the true purpose of the whole poem you need to make sure it's really powerful.

She’s unacknowledged, ignored,
Betrayed and isolated.
Yet she still screams to the top of her dying lungs,
“Help me!”
“I am your home. I am Jerusalem!”
She’ll never be just another woman.

I suggest taking out the 'help me' and the last line completely.

She’s unacknowledged, ignored,
Betrayed and isolated.
Yet she still screams to the top of her dying lungs,
“I am your home. I am Jerusalem!”

Then...further...screaming at the top of lungs is a cliche - very over used. Why don't you just have:

She’s unacknowledged, ignored,
Betrayed and isolated.
Yet, she still screams
“I am your home. I am Jerusalem.”

I'd also take out the exclamation mark at the end of Jerusalem - this makes it quietly powerful. If you feel that's too short..you could work with it a little more.

On the whole - that's a really good piece of work you have here..

K

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

4 posted 2002-05-01 09:09 PM

I can only agree with the others regarding
this poem....I particularly agree with the
ending changes...would make the impact more
clear to the reader...

Salooma
Senior Member

since 2000-01-28

Posts 781

5 posted 2002-05-03 11:36 PM

Thanks for all replies and all help, really!

Nan - Thanks for the advice. Will post it, hope the moderators won't be angry with me

bsquirrel - Thanks for the great comment. I really hope u liked it.

Severn - I really like your ideas and I will try and post it with changes in critical analysis and see what else I can get. Thanks a lot for the ideas.

Magnus - Thanks for the comment. Really hope to perfect it.

Thanks and thanks again

Salma

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