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Raz
Member

since 2002-04-30

Posts 51
Quebec, Canada

0 posted 2002-05-01 04:05 AM

Poet dreams

Today I’ll wake up happy
like that happens every morning,
easy as opening my eyes.

I’ll wash memory away with Ivory soap
and mineral shampoo, start the off-day
clean and free of last night’s exaggerations,
cover my shyness with a white T-shirt.

Tonight past lovers will be tattoos
etched permanently onto my skin,
strategically placed and well hidden.

Infatuation will be a fresh sunburn
so red even looking at it hurts,
something that I’ll eventually peel away, or
that will turn malignant and kill me.

Afraid of razorblades in the candy apples
and rat poison in the Cherry Blossoms,
I’ll accept compliments like Halloween candy.

Inviting glances will be whisky I drink
in small sips with a grimace;
solitude I’ll take like beer
till I can’t remember my name or where I live.

Drunk will be a mask that allows me
myself more leering, masculine and ferocious
than I could otherwise imagine.

Tonight sex will be no more than a game of poker
with constant bluffing and heavy losses;
I’ll take rejection the way I lose at pool
and tell myself I could’ve won if I’d really tried.

I’ll wear humiliation with as much pride as I can muster,
fresh cuts, bruises and blood on my white T-shirt
after a lost fight.

Tonight I’ll hold my secrets tight between my lips
like long fine hairs
that tickle
when you pull them from my mouth.

Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

1 posted 2002-05-01 04:19 AM

I feel like you've kicked open the doors to this place, thrown this masterpiece down on the table with a restrained smile, and turned to leave...walking slowly to hear the whispers of excitement....

wow
wow
wow

Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

2 posted 2002-05-01 04:20 AM

oh...and this line

Afraid of razorblades in the candy apples
and rat poison in the Cherry Blossoms,
I’ll accept compliments like Halloween candy.

its priceless....

Raz
Member

since 2002-04-30

Posts 51
Quebec, Canada

3 posted 2002-05-01 04:38 AM

Calm down, Kevin. Just testing the waters. Though the critical acclaim is flattering, I'm no... (insert decent poet here)...; I'm just another grunt.

Glad you appear to have enjoyed, though. I can't turn my nose at that (but why did you enjoy, and what might make it better is what I really want to know...).

If you're interested.

-Raz

[This message has been edited by Raz (05-01-2002 04:39 AM).]

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

4 posted 2002-05-01 05:00 AM

kinda sad, and sadder is that I can relate to it well. I think this is a mood poem...one you read and it puts you in a thinking feeling mood. There is nothing you should change about this, it sits well as it is. And please don't ask me to explain why I love it, I just can't figure why. I don't critique well, I just reply to say I love it or I don't like it at all and what I feel when I read it.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

5 posted 2002-05-01 05:02 AM

Oh and WELCOME to Passions! I see by this poem here that you will contribute much and fit in extremely well!

It's good to have you in the house!

Raz
Member

since 2002-04-30

Posts 51
Quebec, Canada

6 posted 2002-05-01 05:18 AM

I am new here and don't yet know the proper etiquette. I will refrain from soliciting critique.

I didn't think this was about sadness first off, but I now realise how much that's there. Maybe not sadness, but failed epectations.... You're the reader, you're the expert, you tell me.

I myself think it could be better. I don't demand critiques (nor will not ask for critiques in the future) but am grateful for them when they appear. It's not what you know but what you feel in this game....

[This message has been edited by Raz (05-01-2002 05:21 AM).]

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

7 posted 2002-05-01 05:29 AM

good morning Raz, I saw that you were on the bop the other day..and it's nice to see you here, I want to send you an email..be looking for it ok?

hugs
Maureen

"Love is not blind - It sees more and not less, but because it sees more, it is willing to see less."
(Will Moss)

Raz
Member

since 2002-04-30

Posts 51
Quebec, Canada

8 posted 2002-05-01 05:39 AM

Looking for it.

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

9 posted 2002-05-01 06:38 AM

Welcome to Passions, Raz. You are obviously a skilled craftsman at this trade and it is a pleasure to read your work.

Yes, I also see the sadness Dixie refers to, not necessarily for the writer's thoughts but for the writer himself. He is obviously (at least, to me) a man with a strong inferiority complex who can be termed basically as the classic loser in his own mind. The poem appeals to me based on the metaphors you use...the candy apples with the razor blades (yes, someone said or did something nice for me but did they really mean it...why would someone be nice to me?)..the foregone conclusion that seduction will end in failure (sure, I could have had her if I'd tried...but not really) The man selects his rejections like suits of armor to wear for the evening and, when they come true he is triumphant for having known that would happen instead of feeling dejected that they did. That makes him smart in his own eyes. Nobody fooled him. The poem appeals because so many can relate to it, I think. I've seen people get more satisfaction out of losing than winning because they loved to tell of how they "almost" won and get more sympathy that way. The only thing unsettling in the poem is the complexity of the man's thoughts. He's going to go out. He's going to lose. He's going to have excuses ready for losing but, in planning beforehand to lose, he must know that his excuses are baseless. Is he a man who believes he is a victim or is he a man who believes in his own worthlessness...or a combination of both? In some ways I can't really tell...
Reminds me in a way of the last verse of McKuen's A Man Alone...

In me you see a man alone
Drinking up Sundays and spending them alone.
Don't talk to strangers
Someone might be kind
And muddle up your mind.

Anyway, pardon the ramble. It's 6 AM here and I couldn't sleep..again, welcome to Passions.

Guidelines? There aren't many. The Open Forum is just a nice, friendly place for people to get together and share their feelings or have a few laughs or use it to relieve some of the stress in their lives by speaking of it or helping others speak of theirs and sharing the burdens in some small way. There are many non-accomplished poets here but no non-accomplished friends. For the writers more interested in the betterment of the crafting of their poetry we have the Critical Analysis Forum and the workshop forums. Poets on your level will gravitate toward you and give you the input you need. Poets who may not be on your level will still appreciate your work and applaud you for it....it is unique among most poetry sites on the web for its friendliness and lack of insensitive criticism. We hope you enjoy it here

Raz
Member

since 2002-04-30

Posts 51
Quebec, Canada

10 posted 2002-05-01 06:50 AM

Balladeer. Your politesse is at least as impressive as your critical capacity.

This is the best "hello" I've receiced at any poetry site.

Thanks.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

11 posted 2002-05-01 07:13 AM

Welcome to Passions, Raz. Balladeer is quite the host, so I will just send the Special Greeting, and hope you find a new poetic home by which to grace us with your talents...

Please check your e-mail for a Special Greeting!

Karilea
If I whisper, will you listen?...
I would rather be silent and write, than speak loudly and be bound.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

12 posted 2002-05-01 07:23 AM

*stumbling over my tongue now because of Balladeer* Well Deer, I couldn't have said it...er, uh, at all, myself. I am liking your sleepless nights!

Well Raz, I apologize...I didn't mean for you not to ask for opinion here...I just am not the one to give it, never have, never will. I just like to read and reply with what my emotions and thoughts were when I read it. Just be yourself and be comfortable. You'll get to know everyone soon.

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

13 posted 2002-05-01 08:06 AM

YEAHHHHH you made it, and what a first poem to open with, I hope you like it here....I know you will....

Lauren~

~Sinking fast into
an ocean of you,
what if I told you,
what if I said
that I love you
do we dare cross
that line between your
heart and mine~

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

14 posted 2002-05-01 10:07 AM

Raz,
Welcome and I enjoyed your post. Symbolism is not my forte. But you do have a grail full
in your writing. I will take them as they come, just keep them comming.

Interloper

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-06

Posts 8369
Deep in the heart

15 posted 2002-05-01 10:13 AM

Welcome to Passions. I look froward to more of your work

Zinsser
Senior Member

since 2001-02-27

Posts 1641
Calif.

16 posted 2002-05-01 10:25 AM

very well done....
The rest has already been said : )
~~ Connie ~~

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

17 posted 2002-05-01 01:21 PM

Raz,
Well...so many incredible lines and phrases jam packed with meaning. Welcome to Passions. It's a great place and what a fine entrance. I like that your poem stirs so many quesions. Welcome.

It's never too late to have a good childhood! Woohoo!

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

18 posted 2002-05-01 01:48 PM

BRAVO!!! This is an excellent debut, sweet friend, I already know you are going to be a wonderful addition to this family of poets! (big hugggssssss) I LOVE IT! Welcome to Passions, sweet Raz, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! (sigh) You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Raz
Member

since 2002-04-30

Posts 51
Quebec, Canada

19 posted 2002-05-01 02:18 PM

I fear I may wear out the words ‘thank you’ by the end of this reply.

passing shadows, Maureen, Sunshine (thanks for the card), Greeneyes, Seymour Tabin, Interloper, Connie, Larry C, Mistletoe Angel, Kevin,

Thank you all for such a warm and gracious welcome. Will try not let you down with my future posts.

-Raz

[This message has been edited by Raz (05-01-2002 02:27 PM).]

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

20 posted 2002-05-01 02:19 PM

Raz, this really is an amazing poetry site. And your first post is an outstanding example why I almost never bother with other poetry forums since coming here last May. Welcome. I thoroughly enjoyed your finely crafted self(?) exploration. The imagery is vivid.