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Cold
| Open Poetry #20 |
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Cold |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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Cold ©2002 C.G. Ward cold. blinding spikes of winter-ice corner the crust of bleeding eyes like petrified ants around a sugar cube. ahead, smoke charges gray twilight; ghosts embracing freedom after a silence of centuries. open air, space bound, they fly. beneath, snow crunches a weary- soft cadence, marking moments remaining in the past - sotto voce. slip, stumble, fall. up now, up. wood. stone. drifts of winter block the cabin like a pearly sentry on guard outside eternity. it is Enigma. and I, I am cold. knock. again. then, through a pain of clarity, I see you: dancing at the hearth, swaying in the breeze which flows down the stone of an ancient mason’s idol. again, I knock. still, you smile as you twirl, light framing your eyes with a promise of warmth, and the gift of shelter. yet you face the façade, never daring to see out. always in. so cold. if this were a dream – I could find symbolism in the tap of your metaphors and meaning in the avoidance of your gaze. but life lives outside the dream that is dreaming us, and I have no chance to interpret the indications of your disinterest. you dance the flame. I stand outside. [This message has been edited by Christopher (04-23-2002 10:52 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
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devina Member Elite
since 1999-10-28
Posts 3539Cali |
Sounds like you've had a rough night Chris...me thinks you need to learn to build a fire!!  This is seriously a great example of the journey a person will make only to find that the coldness still exists at the end of the road...felt you with this one my friend... ~D Open arms can be the most fragile in the world... [This message has been edited by devina (04-22-2002 06:01 PM).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
The beginning was strong and the images you used made me look forward to the rest of the poem, but as you progressed you began telling more and showing less. Overall I did enjoy it very much. My personal preference would be without the first and last 'cold'. Leave that to the title. cheers  JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
but life lives outside the dream that is dreaming us, I know this frustration. I have frostbite too. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
D - hey you. no, i actually had a pretty decent night and a half-good day. this is as fictitious as a piece of poetry can be. thank you for seeing the journey. Jamie - I took out the last one... i think you're right. (i'll go back and look at the first one again). It ends much stronger without that last 'cold.' As to the rest... i will look. it is hard to see sometimes through the eyes of others (haha) and i haven't been able to see much difference between the beginning and the rest, with the exception of the second-to-last stanza, which was intentional, as if in summation of this painful trek. i will check and see what i can do about showing mroe. Thank you.Se'n - you look good in blue? Thank you for the visit. the concept that we are part of a dream and that death is when we wake up is an ancient aboriginal belief that i find incredibly interesting. it is another facet of greater powers, but one that defines this as merely a way point for a greater adventure. HugsC |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Um..d'ya still wuv me? <--hopeful smile Curious as to how or if that relates to ancestral memory--something else that fascinates me. I'd be delighted if you let me know what you think on this... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hmm..do you mean Aboriginal as in the Australian aboriginies and their concept of the dreamtime? Or as in 'othered' peoples..ie, those who don't adhere to traditional Western or Eastern religions...? Mind you, Eastern peoples and religions are still othered...but not to the same extent perhaps as small aboriginal tribes living in Papua New Guinea ...who place great stock in their ancestors, and the continuance of life after death, and perceiving that continued life as something more than life on earth. I guess in some ways, life in the now could be considered as a dream...Er, so yeah - which were you referring to? As to this pome... technically, sotto voce should be in italics... liking the petrified ants..gives a nice comparative image of a forest of ants...but that's unconnected to the whole piece. You use the word twirl a lot. It seems somehow...too lighthearted. I know I know - this figure is supposed to be lighthearted, but the poem isn't, and to me - twirl just doesn't fit. I have to disagree with you J - I like the telling at the end. I can see the point, and the design of it. It's definitely better without the last cold..I like the first cold but without the fullstop - ick. heh.. You know what hon? I'm not sure about elipses in poems. Never have been...I know how you love them (unless they magically convert to question marks lol) but there's a time and a place yanno...KILL POETIC ELIPSES! Overall..I like the idea, and the emotion comes through..an interesting poetic exploration C...hugs  K[This message has been edited by Severn (04-23-2002 09:34 PM).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Se'n - Still love ya. Read above.K - I was - but i think i interpreted it a little different - see, i don't think they so much think of it as a continuance of life after death, but rather as this existence as being temporary (like a dream) and when you wake up, that is 'real' life. Sotto voce going italic, and i've ditched the elipses(but only 'cause i agree with you pot) in all, i think i like the first 'cold' as well... tone-setter. perhaps depends on how one uses the title. i like it there. to 'twirl' though - i disagree... it NEEDS to be somewhat lighthearted to show that the 'self' of the person inside is whole - she is happy not sharing herself, the inside of her heart. the man watching sees that she doesn't need to open her emotions to someone else (him) in order to be happy with her life. he, on the other hand, hasn't reached that contentment of self and is (somewhat pathetically) dependant on her opening up to provide that warmth that he can't find alone. with her twirling, this presents two opposite sides of a coin and shows the stark contrast between someone at peace with themselves and someone dependent on another for support (warmth). if you can suggest another way to present this without writing a novel (grin) i'm happy to listen to it. thanks muchly for the input l'il KC [This message has been edited by Christopher (04-23-2002 10:53 PM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
. [This message has been edited by serenity (04-24-2002 04:32 AM).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
what's the dot mean karen? |
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