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White Noise
| Open Poetry #25 |
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White Noise |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada 
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Art: John Singer Sargent  WHITE NOISESuffocating from the white noise, I couldn’t focus. He had worn a shirt and tie his entire life, and to be reduced to this I thought was worse than death. Suddenly the room became silent as I dove into memories. White noise. My son spoke and snapped me back to reality. Reality? My stomach was swimming in anxiety and I tried to hold back the bile of this awakening. So this is where he lived, if you can call it living, here in this throng of the living dead, surrounded by a couple of hundred life-worn, forgotten souls all wearing yesterday’s dirty bibs. It was lunchtime, and there was not one visitor. I was feeling really sick. White noise. These poor souls wore more food than they consumed, as chattering nurses discussed a game show on t.v. With precision they shoveled in as much nutrition as they could to sustain someone’s life for even one more day. Why? Most muttered, arms were flying, feet stomped. Everyone was babbling on incessantly about nothing. They all drooled like a puppy I once had, but today it was not cute at all. Here I was judging them and guilt set in. Respect your elders; I could hear him saying it to me. I wanted to bolt out of this seemingly god-forsaken place and put the white noise and this “day mare” behind me. He had lived here an entire year without us knowing. His white shirt and tie traded in for a terry cloth bib. How could she have been that cruel to put him in here? It was my right to know, to make those choices, and at least give him the dignity and respect he deserved. I had come today with my son somehow hoping to understand. I wanted to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I was his daughter and I knew nothing of his suffering. A shuffling old man interrupted my thoughts by yelling at me so loudly that I paled and jumped back. A nurse said not to worry he always did that. She asked if I knew all the patients here suffered from dementia, and Alzheimer’s, I nodded. Their Jell-O finished, these once productive citizens either shuffled, or followed each other in a single-file parade of identical wheelchairs to sit outside their own rooms for some reason. The nurse must have read my mind, and, with a half smile she said, “potty time.” White noise. I felt sick and I just wanted to run. With my anxiety now into overload, I walked faster and faster down an endless hallway. In retrospect it was their eyes that got me most. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, I wondered if indeed their souls vacated this plain already? How frightening it was to witness all that darkness. I wondered if any memories hid behind those eyes at all, and If my Dad remembered he had always worn a shirt and tie? Later that evening, I knew I would never forgive her, nor would I ever forget that white noise. May He Rest In Peace [This message has been edited by Mysteria (04-13-2003 05:43 AM).] |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Goodness Mysteria - this one I FELT am sorry for your loss truly and I do know that white noise well - wish neither of us did - amazing write here xxoo |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
This is pain...and written from a place so deep... you have got it in you lady...  |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
There are no words to tell you how deeply this one touches. BIG heart hugs to you, Sharon.  "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Knowing how hard this was for you to write makes it equally difficult to find words appropriate for a response. I'm very glad that you wrote this, Sharon. I hope it helped you to get those feelings into words. You know that you can't change what has already passed, my friend - What you can do, though - is what you always do better than anyone I know. You can help others. You can help them to realize and understand... You're doing that quite eloquently here, dear lady. Huge Cape Cod Hugs to you...  |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
It's time like this, when reality hits us so very hard, that I am thankful for the gift of poetry. It allows us to dig deep, face our fears, our frustrations, our anger, and our dismay so that we can confront our feelings and move forward. I'm glad you have that gift my friend. This piece reached out and grabbed my insides. I wish I was there to give you a big heart hug. Excellent writing. Best wishes and hugs, /Kit |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
As Nan said before me, knowing the emotional cost of this inspire, it is hard to respond. The one thing that struck me the most in this powerful release was the line where you said, you know you will never forgive her. Taking in to account what I have learned about you, I know in time that not only will you indeed forgive, but you will take this experience and you, in your grace, will find a way to turn it into something that will help others and make it better for those to come after. heart-hugs to you poetess Sharon, thank you for sharing this with us for we too, learn from your grace. :squeeze |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The courage it took for you to see this through and uncover all of the realisms of the unknown was more than difficult, I know...yes, especially given the past - you could have walked away... thank God your son was with you - and somehow, some way - your father was, too... I fully understand all aspects of the white noise...unfortunately, there are some days we cannot run from the day mare, nor the white noise...but you have the strength and tenacity - and your son - to see you through this... and you have us in the wings.  Karilea - if I whisper, will you listen? [This message has been edited by Sunshine (04-13-2003 01:40 PM).] |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Silence settled into my soul with the read of this one, as it rests too close to my own home. It's a painful experience, a very painful reminder that we lose a bit of ourselves when we see this happen to our parent(s) I understand your comment about not forginving. But in time, I believe you will, as it's not in your nature to hold onto anger and hate. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Sharon...as with the other replies, it is hard to know what to say to such deep despair written from the heart of a friend. I commend you for the strength to write this poem and send you heart hugs. |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoyed  |
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RSWells Member Elite
since 2001-06-17
Posts 2533 |
You and I have been buddies for a long time. You brought me to this site. This is the most emotive piece you've ever written. Raw and honest, biting and edgy. This is the type of noise that continues to ring for a while and I hope its dull roar will abate to where you can sort it out. Your own personal pain mixed with the tragedy so often lived by others makes this an important write and I had to stick my head up from my depression (something we share) to comment. Hang in 'ere kid. "Nils Desperandum" Wells Family Motto |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Thank you everyone just had to put this somewhere, and here is a safe place. (Richard  thanks bud!) |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Sharon.. I don't know what to say.. I feel your pain here written so vividly. I'm so sorry for your loss. This touched me deeply. heart hugs Maree. [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (04-13-2003 05:09 PM).] |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Sharon, I too am at a loss for words at the moment. This dug deep...you reached way in there and yanked it out for all to see..and you did it so very well.. Heart hugs dear poetess~ ~Somewhere in my heart I'm always |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Mysteria~ You touched my heart with each word. A sad situation that shouldn't have to happen...Paul "To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you" |
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NewEnglandlazurlu Member Rara Avis
since 2002-01-04
Posts 7470A Mountain Paradise |
Sharon, it has taken me 2 days to reply to you and this heartfelt, gut-wrenching piece. I have read it several times and then my husband and I read it together. His Dad suffers greatly from dementia and we are trying our best to keep him at home. Some days it is not easy. I thank you for writing what must have been terribly difficult for you. But please know, that you have helped us and perhaps others realize the sadness and loneliness of nursing homes and the agony of dementia and Alzheimer’s on individuals and families. May God bring you peace. Thank you. Love and hugs, Marti Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. A.Einstein |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
oh my gosh, you do not know how close to home this hits...my husband and I are attempting to take care of his mother, who has demetia and Alzheimer's...and believe me, if your mother could not do it and she had to put your father in a home, it was not an easy decision...we wrestle with that decision daily...it is such a momentous task we have undertaken, we have lost our own lives to her illness, it rules the house, it takes every ounce of our being to stay sane. And yes, I do believe that their souls have already left, that would explain the rampant inhabiting of demons...just waiting for the body to die. this is an incredibly honest poem....thank you for sharing it...email me if you need to talk...for I truly understand your 'white noise' |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I wanted to address both of you as this was from my reaction to going there (that particular place.) I have since discovered that is one of the worst, and there are other places better and had I known I would have seen to it he was in one. After what I saw there, I know it is not possible for a family to take on this responsibility at a certain point, it would break a family apart. As much as I hate to admit it that would have been the only answer for this woman (who was not my Mother) to do, but had she called I would have made sure he was in another place with more dignity that is all. For those of you wrestling with this decision, I would say you have no choice but to send a loved one to a place where they are in the hands of those who have dealt with this and are trained. As family members emotions will get into the way of logic, and these folks are gone to our world and now live in a world of their own, that unfortunately no matter what we do, won't include us anymore I don't think. I hope those reading understand - I did not know my Father was in this place that was all, and I would have still put him in a facility but NOT that one. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
Dear Sharon, I am deeply moved by this “White noise”. Anxiety and powerlessness are creeping through the lines. This is indeed one of the worst things that can happen to our human forms. I am impressed by your doubt if the soul had already left those poor creatures…this IS a crucial question! But this is mystery. To watch this scenery is tough, to see a beloved one “not there” anymore attempts heavily to our serenity. I wish you to overcome this deep sadness and just to be able to hold your father in your heart without pain. Thank you for sharing this painful thought provoking experience with us. There are realities that we would rather not know of, but this is life and we must learn to cope and to be compassionate. Love and hugs. Margherita |
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