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Open Poetry #25
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Eromyna
Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 306
Pheonix, AZ, USA

0 posted 2003-03-16 05:29 PM



Hey, Mr Empathic
Tell me how I'm feeling now
Tell me that the wounds will heal
Tell me all this pain's not real

Reach into me, Aidan
so you can feel my pulse
so you can reach my heart
to tear it from this vault

Whisper words into my mind
Make me forget my fears
Loose my spirit from this cage
To fill it with more tears

Believe me, sweetest Aidan
I trusted you before
But now I know that I was right
to doubt that comfort I adore

Now, I am bleeding silence
into the vacancy of noise
If I were not so fragile
I may not have shattered at your voice

Now, I am scattered ashes
Now, I am sick and sore
Confusion clings to me again
locking me behind my door

"I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation."

© Copyright 2003 Shay D. - All Rights Reserved
JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
1 posted 2003-03-16 05:49 PM


Interesting...James
Jason Lyle
Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438
With my darkling
2 posted 2003-03-16 05:50 PM


Honest writes from the heart, are my favorite.
Jason

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
3 posted 2003-03-17 04:45 AM


I can relate...sadly
Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

4 posted 2003-03-17 07:09 AM


I'm not too sharp on form or on style reallly...but this seems to be a mix of free verse and rhyme that tripped me up a bit because I didn't pick up a pattern in the rhyme scheme.. now... could very well be me and it could be there..LOL..it is after all Monday and I have not had near enoght cofee.
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
5 posted 2003-03-20 07:29 AM


no it's not you C...I am reading too and  have to slow down the rhythm of reading on a few lines.  Try reading your poems aloud to yourself..or tape them in a small recorder then listen for the sections that seem too wordy or have too many syllables. Then try to leave out the unnecessary...to make it read smoother.

*Just trying to help you
hugssssss
M

Eromyna
Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 306
Pheonix, AZ, USA
6 posted 2003-03-20 11:05 AM


Good ideas, but the problem is not that I don't notice the rough spots. I just havn't figured out the right way to fix them yet.

"I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation."

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