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Open Poetry #25
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brtymj
New Member
since 2003-03-05
Posts 8


0 posted 2003-03-05 01:08 AM



LUST BEATS LOVE

love is love their aint no crossin the line
as long as it remains in the end of time
your brests and curves lust me to take action
yes im a slave, to sexual attraction
theres something more behind my eyes that go blind
when your soultry aura captures my mind
your smile of an angel fallen to earth
your quaking footsteps that draw my ears your direction
I'm shakin perfusely when your in my presence
but if you look into my eyes and theres no love to be found
theres gotta be some if you looked around
loves in your familey, loves in your friends
its in that guy who's wheelchair bound
its in those who live without makin a sound
but not for me its in the soil and the trees
the runnin rivers and the warm summer breeze
its in the skybound birds that take flight
beneith the rollin waves in terminal night
for I am a slave to natural selection
my nich of reproduction is my sole intention
thats why I shake when I look in your eyes
the power of lust wont let love get a try
im just an animal, yes i am blind
but gimmie some time and mabey loves what I'll find

© Copyright 2003 brtymj - All Rights Reserved
Jason Lyle
Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438
With my darkling
1 posted 2003-03-05 01:40 AM


Beautiful......but if you want critique, check your spelling...breast, family, maybe.
Jason

TaureauRouge
Junior Member
since 2002-06-01
Posts 26
A mass of land between two oceans
2 posted 2003-03-05 01:51 AM


First of all, the line about breasts and curves I would move a little further towards the center of the poem because the rhyme is a powerful one and I believe it would have more of an impact with a bigger set up.  Also, I would eliminate the subjunctive words (there's, ain't, who's) and spell out both of the words.

"I should have been a pair of ragged claws/ Scuttling over the floors of silent seas"-T.S. Eliot

Ringo
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Member Elite
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes
3 posted 2003-03-05 03:31 AM


Nice job. Welcome to the open Forum.
It was a good read. The only suggestion I would have (as if I knew better) is to check the rhymes. Most times you have two lines rhyming together, yet at others you don't.
Other than that, again, good write.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
4 posted 2003-03-05 06:49 AM



Welcome to Passions!  You've received some good advice from your fellow poets.  Please, check your E-mail for a Special Greeting!

Karilea
If I whisper, will you listen?...
I would rather be silent and write, than speak loudly and be bound

Mistletoe Angel
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Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
5 posted 2003-03-05 09:12 AM




(smiles) Yay, I too would follow the advice of these poets that have spoken, this is an excellent passionate debut, I love it!!! Welcome to Passions, sweet friend, may you be inspired by all of us here as we will all be inspired by your lovely words! I can't wait to read more of your lovely words, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
6 posted 2003-03-05 11:03 AM



~Welcome to Passions~

You do have some lines here that I like a great deal.

For instance:

"...it's in the soil and trees,
    the runnING river and
    warm summer breeze"


Please check out other forums here. We have one specifically for your request of critiquing. ALso, have a poetry workshop you might find interesting. Not sure of your age, but there is a teen section, too.

I don't spell well and have no word processor, so I write my poetry as an e-mail to me and run it through the spell check. Amazing results.

I don't personally like rollin, gimmie, and such slang....to each his own... think you have a lot of talent, and you'll find many here willing to help. I usually do not critique...

Again, liked some of the thoughts you presented.

Thanks for posting and look forward to reading more of your work.

Hugs, Pat  



..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"


[This message has been edited by regards2you (03-05-2003 12:38 PM).]

littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655
New York
7 posted 2003-03-05 11:37 AM


br - Welcome - hehe Im new too - as I read I can understand your dilemma but it did sadden me because with passion there must be caring or it isnt passion at all - a good write - you will gain much insight here - everyone is wonderful xxoo  
aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448
Universal Mind
8 posted 2003-03-05 01:11 PM


I disagree with your poem; nevertheless, it is nicely written.

~Every girl has a dream within.

Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
9 posted 2003-03-08 03:20 PM


Love gets me every time~but nicely written though.

           
R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
Aretha Franklin  

WhiteRose
Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208
somebody's dungeon
10 posted 2003-03-15 01:05 PM


A very nice write.
Corinne
Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167
state of confusion
11 posted 2003-03-15 06:23 PM


As Sunshine suggested, the forum for critique is really a more appropriate place for crit.

First, I'd highly recommend that you use a spell checker. If you're using Microsoft Word, you'll find spell checking under "Tools."

Second, when you use contractions, you need to use the proper punctuation, as in apostrophes - as well as using punctuation for pause and effect in general.

Check with your teacher for classes in writing and grammar.

their aint (ain't) no crossin the line  -
"Their" should be "there."

as long as it remains in the end of time
your brests (breasts) and curves lust me to take action

yes im (I'm) a slave, to sexual attraction
theres something more behind my eyes that go blind
when your soultry (sultry) aura captures my mind
your smile of an angel fallen to earth
your quaking footsteps that draw my ears your direction
I'm shakin perfusely (profusely) when your (you're) in my presence
but if you look into my eyes and theres (there's)no love to be found
theres (there's) gotta be some if you looked around
loves in your familey, (family) loves in your friends
its (it's) in that guy who's wheelchair bound
its (it's) in those who live without makin (makin') a sound
but not for me, its (it's) in the soil and the trees
the runnin (runnin')wind the warm summer breeze
its (it's) in the skybound birds that take flight
beneith (beneath)the rollin (rollin')waves in terminal night
for I am a slave to natural selection
my nich (niche)of reproduction is my sole intention
thats why I shake when I look in your eyes
the power of lust wont let love get a try
im (I'm) just an animal, yes i am blind
but gimmie some time and mabey (maybe) loves (love's) what I'll find

Best of luck!

Core

[This message has been edited by Corinne (03-15-2003 06:24 PM).]

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
12 posted 2003-03-15 06:25 PM


Welcome to Passions..
Love is a winner every time!
~Hugs~

~ Trace my body with your words..
And in doing so, you touch my heart. ~

Paul Wilson
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711
United States
13 posted 2003-03-15 10:54 PM


brtymj...I agree with Corinne and the others that have replied to your poem.
Please don't take this as bashing your poem, we just want to help you IMPROVE your writing skills and nurture your love of poetry.

Take time too read some of the poetry within our different forums and you will learn much as I have.

Welcome to Passions and I hope you stay for a long time...Paul

"To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you"

[This message has been edited by Paul Wilson (03-15-2003 10:55 PM).]

Chanson
Senior Member
since 2000-08-19
Posts 1559
Up Creek w/Out Paddle
14 posted 2003-03-16 03:15 PM


Hello grtymj, welcome to Passions. You will find friendly smiles and, when asked, friendly critique.

Proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation are tremendous enhancements to any/all poetry. My friendly advice is to double and triple check. The dictionary has become a valuable and trusted friend, inseparable even, to me.

And we can use all the friends we can get, right? *s

Continue to write and explore.
Learning should be and IS fun!


When you think you have heard it all,
listen more closely.
~Dorene

[This message has been edited by Chanson (03-16-2003 03:16 PM).]

carol
Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624
Florida USA
15 posted 2003-04-12 07:53 PM


Very good

Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become
Lots of Love
Rita

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