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Open Poetry #25
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Which one do you like better?
| Open Poetry #25 |
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Which one do you like better? |
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rkcraig Member
since 2003-02-27
Posts 202Cincinnati, Ohio, USA |
Please help me! Let me know which poem you like better and please help me make it better. Nothing Else Matters Ver. 2 Enclosed in your arms - I feel the passion that engulfs and rages within you; An uncontrollable, rampant inferno surrounds me, Scorching my skin, and consuming my flesh. But as long as you love me - Nothing else matters. Looking into your eyes - I can see the cosmic proportions of space and time; A limitless abundance of infinite possibilities, confuses me, leaving me dumbfounded and directionless. But as long as you love me - Nothing else matters. Touching your lips - I can feel my body tremble and my senses numbed; The world around instantly transforms into utter turmoil, Chaos unfolds all around except for me and you. And that's because you love me - And nothing else matters. Copyright © 2003 by James Ian Craig. All Rights Reserved or? Nothing Else Matters Ver. 2a Enclosed in your softhearted, gentle arms I feel the passion that engulfs and rages within you; An uncontrollable, rampant inferno surrounds me Scorching my skin and consuming my flesh. As long as you love me Nothing else matters. Looking into your obliging, understanding eyes I see the cosmic proportions of space and time; A limitless abundance of infinite possibilities, confusing me, leaving me dumbfound and directionless. As long as you love me - Nothing else matters. Touching your tender, ardent lips - I feel my body tremble and my senses numb; The world around instantly transforms into utter turmoil, Chaos unfolds all around except for me and you. That is why I love you - Nothing else will ever matter. Copyright © 2003 by James Ian Craig. All Rights Reserved The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love another. |
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| © Copyright 2003 James Ian Craig - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
The first of these two, at least for me. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
I probably like version two. If your not happy with it you can keep working with it until you're comfortable...Its your poem so you should write it but I suppose its nice to get others input. I would probably combine the feelings in the last few lines to include both of the partys feelings. Example..."As we share our love nothing else matters." But don't get me wrong I'm not complaining about your version...James |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
I also like version one, But as James said, make each write your own. Jason |
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rkcraig Member
since 2003-02-27
Posts 202Cincinnati, Ohio, USA |
These writes are my own. I was simply asking for ideas about adding more imagery to make it longer, rhyme scheme (things of that nature) |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
rk, first, we do have a critical analysis forum for the "tough questions" like "help me!" But since this is in Open, I will tell you what I saw when I read this first, this morning.... ~*~ Enclosed in your arms - I feel the passion that engulfs and rages within you; An uncontrollable, rampant inferno surrounds me, Scorching my skin, and consuming my flesh. But as long as you love me - Nothing else matters. Looking into your eyes - I can see the cosmic proportions of space and time; A limitless abundance of infinite possibilities, confuses me, leaving me dumbfounded and directionless. But as long as you love me - Nothing else matters. ~*~ this stanza, from your "first", is great! A mentor tells me, drop as much of the articles as you can, so if I may, here is my suggestion.... ~*~ Enclosed in your arms - I feel passion that engulfs, rages within you; An uncontrollable, rampant inferno surrounds me, Scorching my skin, consuming my flesh. But as long as you love me - Nothing else matters. Looking into your eyes - I can see cosmic proportions of space, time; A limitless abundance of infinite possibilities, confusing me, leaving me dumbfounded, directionless. But as long as you love me - Nothing else matters. ~*~ Then I drop down to the second offering, and pick up the second stanza: ~*~ Touching your tender, ardent lips - I feel my body tremble, and my senses numb; The world around instantly transforms into utter turmoil, Chaos unfolds all around except for me and you. That is why I love you - Nothing else will ever matter. ~*~ and the changes I would offer would be thus: ~*~ Touching your tender, ardent lips - I feel my body tremble, my senses numb; The world around instantly transforms into utter turmoil, Chaos unfolds all around except for me and you. That is why I love you - Nothing else will ever matter. ~*~ You have a wonderful gift... And, I thank you for your comments on Ghosts of the Square". Thank you! |
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rkcraig Member
since 2003-02-27
Posts 202Cincinnati, Ohio, USA |
I like that a lot better, it runs a heck of a lot more smoothly. Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it. |
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