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Open Poetry #25
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Ratleader
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0 posted 2003-02-25 11:09 PM


Fanatic

Marooned on
a voyage of discovery,
he still curses the fate that
stranded him, the sea, the farther
shore, curses and pretends this sere atoll
is all the world. Some day he will stone the boat
that comes to save him, hide from the
sailors, dive and swim beyond the
reef, and laughing, curse again
as they fail, lose hope and
sail away, then paddle
back to shore,
marooned.

[This message has been edited by Ratleader (02-25-2003 11:23 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Ed Ratledge - All Rights Reserved
the_loner_23
Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA
1 posted 2003-02-25 11:10 PM


Me likes this.

Cold hands means a warm heart

Martie
Moderator
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since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
2 posted 2003-02-25 11:14 PM


yep Ed...seems like this is true of a lot of things.  Enjoyed the insight and the smile.  
Minister Joe
Member
since 2003-02-22
Posts 78
TX, USA
3 posted 2003-02-25 11:17 PM


Ed,

Coolies--another one.  (hehe)

I do love what you did with the formatting of this... it rises and settles again almost like a wave.

You've done something very ineresting here (whether or not you're aware of it) with your syllabic stressors... they almost are all laying at the end of each word--with a softer accent on the first syllable of the next.  What this does is build up sort of a lilting cadence to your lines... each stronger ending fading into the softer beginning... and when read out loud--is rythmic, almost like waves.

Also--I do like the cyclical nature of this piece... starting marooned, fighting... losing--ending back up on the shore--marooned.

If I could point out anything, in this line:

that comes to rescue him

You break that cadence that you've got going on here... I think it's the "that"--perhaps, "coming"?

Again--you have really a terrific natural sense of how to make a poem work.

What a wonderful read Ed,

Thank you very much indeedy.

--Matt

Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.

Ratleader
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4 posted 2003-02-25 11:22 PM


Right again, Rev. -- and if I change "rescue" to something like "save," I keep the metric structure intact.

I going make da change, see wat it look like.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space
5 posted 2003-02-26 12:35 PM


excellent write oh furry one
ecrivan
Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923
my own state
6 posted 2003-02-26 12:47 PM


nice circular poetic reminder of "Lord of the Flies" and neat format in the shape of a boat's wake, mate

[This message has been edited by ecrivan (02-26-2003 12:47 AM).]

wranx
Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn
7 posted 2003-02-26 12:58 PM


Sounds a bit like a guy that lives in a shack, somewhere near a fickle river.

Ed

"The shortest distance between two points is.....sometimes intolerable"

~Bukowski~

Ratleader
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8 posted 2003-02-26 01:03 AM


Yeah, "Lord 'o the Flies," or more aptly maybe "Pincher Martin".....

Basically trying to create a metaphor for what a fanatic is.... gets half way on his voyage of discovery, and stranded on a little circle (atoll) of thought that he'll never leave....never reach the enlightenment he was after, but convincing himself that he has, and willing to die in isolation to prove it.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
9 posted 2003-02-26 02:54 AM


very strong write
regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
10 posted 2003-02-26 03:00 AM




Es,

Enjoying your poetry greatly. I especially like your comments and those of some others. Great teachers, all of you who take time to point out certain aspects. I appreciate it and may not apply it yet, but I'm learning much.

Thanks Ed, I enjoyed this greatly. Wonderful talent; glad you're with us.

Hugs, Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

majnu
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088
SF Bay Area
11 posted 2003-02-26 03:07 AM


point taken.

nice rant, and poetic.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

Thomas119gold
Senior Member
since 2002-06-03
Posts 708
Biloxi, MS (city by the sea)
12 posted 2003-02-27 01:29 PM


LOL
enjoyed this and the comments that followed
Thomas

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