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Open Poetry #25
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regards2you
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since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California

0 posted 2003-02-18 07:33 AM





Euphoria

     ~The line of you~
  Inhaled
Double image
     Razor sharp mind
Scrapping
   Last tastes
Of you

With
  Fingertips to
     Swollen lips
I

Savor
   The flavor

Of
  Entwined.

.
.
.
.




..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

[This message has been edited by regards2you (02-18-2003 02:40 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Patricia L.Thompson - All Rights Reserved
ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353
Michigan, USA
1 posted 2003-02-18 07:57 AM


WHeeewwww!
That's a hotty! Very Good my friend.
Smiles from ThisDiamond

Seymour Tabin
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since 1999-07-07
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Tamarac Fla
2 posted 2003-02-18 07:59 AM


Pat,
You can be sharp, enjoyed.

Cpat Hair
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since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

3 posted 2003-02-18 10:03 AM


nice... the imagery used one that can be taken to scraping lines off a mirror..one sort of addiction... to describe another sort of addiction or need..to be entwined..
clever work...and well sone..
sensual... steamy...and the hints of a more dangerous excitement...

bravo!!!

regards2you
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since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
4 posted 2003-02-18 11:17 AM



What a joy for me. Having three of my personal favorite poets, masters each in their own right, respond made my day.

Kathleen,

Thanks for the very good and smiles.

Sy,

I'll take that as a compliment. Smiling here.

Ron,

Yep! Those were my exact intentions. Also, I wanted and did use the word sniff (for the hint of cutting/using/to tie into ~line~  (fyi, never tried it myself) but I am not satisfied with the "sniff you off", (vulgar) but it did capture what I was going for....but, I don't like it....

still experimenting with writing...I have  three lines dancing through my mind regarding one of your poems and cannot think of the name of it right now...re: woman stuck mid.(?) stream(ice broke?)  and rescued....something ford???...
anyway, lines in my mind haven't changed tho. not written them down, and had not planned on writing anything about it. If I do I don't want to force it, it seems to be writing itself.  Thank you for your support and help.


Hugs to all three of you, Pat
    

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

Brad Majors
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Posts 2647
Georgia
5 posted 2003-02-18 11:24 AM


I love waht you did with line arrangement! very good peice1
regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
6 posted 2003-02-18 11:28 AM




Thank you Brad for taking the time to read and reply. Line arrangement is difficult for me sometimes with non-rhyming, short poetry. Glad you think it turned out well.

Hugs, Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

garysgirl
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7 posted 2003-02-18 11:29 AM


Very, very good writing, Pat.....
passing shadows
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since 1999-08-26
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displaced
8 posted 2003-02-18 12:24 PM


nice...very good
GG
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since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532
Lost in thought
9 posted 2003-02-18 12:39 PM


enjoyed much
you say things in such a unique way and the internal wordplay and rhyme always keep me excited to see what will come next. And then, the images created are no less fantastic
Hugs

Always, Alyssa

- And so it was that time stood still -
     (blink, breathe, stand, fight)

Cpat Hair
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10 posted 2003-02-18 01:33 PM


might just replace the line in question with one word... inhaled
it changes the tone however.and take aaway a bit of the edgy feel.. personally..I'd leave it as is..and let the edgy way it is said
add to the feel.

SweetSerenity
Member
since 2003-02-16
Posts 52
Canada
11 posted 2003-02-18 01:39 PM


I enjoyed that poem a lot.  
I really liked the line arrangement also.
I've enjoyed your poetry on here so far.
Looking forward to seeing more!

~A touch of Sweetness . . . . . A lifetime of Serenity~

regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
12 posted 2003-02-18 01:39 PM


Ron,

That is interesting because I had "inhalation" and would have changed the tense, on my first draft, but it didn't seem quite strong enough to tie into  a hit, or ~a line~....I will let it go... my writing a constant work in progress and I so appreciate your commments and helpful advise....

Thanks Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

jellybeans
Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298

13 posted 2003-02-18 02:21 PM


very nicely done.....enjoyed
regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
14 posted 2003-02-18 02:39 PM



Ethel, Dixie, Sweet Sernity, Jellybeans,

Thanks to all of you for reading and replying....Hugs, Pat

Alyssa,

I think the same thing about your writing. Thanks, Hugs and Love

Ron,

each time I've reread this I cringe at that line so have decided to change it to inhaled.. thanks, hugs, Pat
though probably won't show for awhile

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

kaile
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singapore
15 posted 2003-02-19 10:44 AM


Pat,
this reminds me of Hannibal(spelling?)...and think that "entwined" is a wonderful word to use here...concise but tells many things...

Cpat Hair
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since 2001-06-05
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16 posted 2003-02-19 11:20 AM


reads well with the change of line... but I knew it would
The original line was perhaps a bit crunchy for the smooth flow of the rest..a single word adds to the flow, and removes little of the edgy feel...

regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
17 posted 2003-02-19 11:53 AM



Kaile,

Thanks for responding to this and my other poem. Glad we are still friends in spite of differences. Hugs. I thought Hannibol (I am not well read, so could be mistaken, or could be many Hannibols a serial killer shrink, who ate various parts of his victims)
I was comparing two different forms of Euphoria (the line of cocaine, cut and sniffed, and "The Line of You" (his whole essence) but I doubt she'd ever be so in love with someone she'd want to eat him...bite him, maybe snickering, anyway, thank you....Savor the flavor ties into each instance  Thanks, Pat
Ron,

Aren't words wonderful? And how they change even when changing tenses, sometimes. So much to learn. Love it though.

Thanks for taking the time again to answer. I was pleased that at least I had come up with the right word, or one you, an expert writer suggested, though my choice was in wrong tense and I didn't consider it after the sniff. And, I didn't change tenses and even consider them until after I had all thoughts and basic lines the way I wanted.

I wonder how long it'll take to get to the point of being able to distinquish these things myself. Liked your comment crunchy vs. smooth of the overall poem...Today when I think of the original line it makes me laugh....romantic huh???? "Come here, let me sniff you off" hahahahaha...
don't know where my mind is sometimes, but, hopefully,  in time, I'll be able to use a little more finesse.

Again, thank you so very much.
Pat  

  


..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"
  

[This message has been edited by regards2you (02-19-2003 09:04 PM).]

Aenimal
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since 2002-11-18
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the ass-end of space
18 posted 2003-02-19 03:05 PM


fantastic write,missed the original so can only speak for the finished product
Toerag
Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622
Ala bam a
19 posted 2003-02-19 03:19 PM


I know...you wrote this to me...right?...(We'll just keep it our little secret...okay?)
regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
20 posted 2003-02-19 03:37 PM



Aenimal,

How glad I am to see you reading and taking your time to answer with a reply. It means a lot to me. In my comment to Ron, In part, I had been imagining being in a relationship saying "come here, let me.....", which I find amusing, but I do have a warped sense of humor....

In the poem I had and replaced only "sniff you off" with the one word of "Inhaled"

Glad you liked this. Thank you,


Toe,

Ssssshhhhh.....people will talk...

I inhale you from all the way out here and it is a wonderful scent of humor, love, wisdom and kindness....lucky lady, your wife....Hugs and love, Pat

Thanks to both of you.

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

Mistletoe Angel
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21 posted 2003-02-21 02:19 PM




(smiles) Oh Patricia, this is beautiful, sweet friend, and may your hear forever be outlined by that of your loves and be the Christmas lights that decorate your smiles! (kiss on cheek) I love this, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Patricia, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

passing shadows
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since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
22 posted 2003-05-31 01:56 PM



Marge Tindal
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Florida's Foreverly Shores
23 posted 2003-06-19 06:17 PM


Pat~
How wonderful is this write ?
V E R Y !!

To be able to use imagery , as you have done, is a talent beyond what I've seen from several other writers here~

Enjoyed the read and the rapport between you and your responders~

[my apologies ... sir ...]

Love your writing, dear poetess~
Keep it up ... the poem you sent me last evening is SO GOOD !!!!  Hope to see you back here 'soon'~
*Huglets* and *God Blesses* (for He surely does)
~*Marge*~



~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

[This message has been edited by Marge Tindal (06-19-2003 09:20 PM).]

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