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Open Poetry #25
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Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY

0 posted 2003-02-17 07:00 PM


THIS MAY BE A BIT LONG.....BUT WHEN I START WRITING, I DONT STOP UNTIL THE FLOW DOES....
_______________________________________________
Carried on the waves, the voice of unreason.
Taking part in a dream, to where I become,
My own protagonist.
Cries of consciousness, but barely awake.
An awkward time, a trgedy.
A captured fantasy, in the shadows.

Carried on the waves
Without laughter, without thought.
Thought-optical illusions,
The mind is a dangerous place.
I stirred up the fire,
Of twisted history.
Paralyzed, I do not retreat from life,
But kill the fear.

Carried on the waves,
The sun rises there, but the center collapses.
Metaphorically speaking, I cannot hear what i said.
Seperated at birth. Survived under life.
The dark warrior who lives in all of us,
The human outcast.
Smothering in the misery,
Planning the apocalypse of my mind.

Carried on the waves,
Senseless, timelessness,
Haunting dreams.
Cease to be a spectator in life and
Steal the long awaited kiss.
Be a verb, not a noun.
Wallowing in ourselves,
Brooding over lost innocence,
Become visioneer
To this very moment.

Carried on the waves
You/i/we are in absurdity.
Poetry of rage and darkness,
Seem to forget the love.
It's a collaboration in calamity,
Frustrated hope,
Unknown destruction of one's destiny.
A dying grief.
A surgeon of sorrow.

Carried on the waves
In the blin of an eye,
The voice inside becoming a deserter,
Couldn't take it no more.
We are survivors of guilt, nobody rides the waves the same.
Some peering behind, to see who's in charge,
Some move forward, listening to the sound of the soul.

© Copyright 2003 Albert J. Allie - All Rights Reserved
Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

1 posted 2003-02-17 07:18 PM


Carried on the waves
You/i/we are in absurdity.
Poetry of rage and darkness,
Seem to forget the love.
It's a collaboration in calamity,
Frustrated hope,
Unknown destruction of one's destiny.
A dying grief.
A surgeon of sorrow.
like this piece... and loved these lines.

my only quibble if there is one, is starting each section with the same line... I understand the reason for doing it and it works... as well as is a device I have used and am sure will use again. In this piece, however, I think it reads better without that line used in repeat but a variant of it or a transition line between the sections to smooth the flow..

excellent imagery in this...the intensity palpable... the whole of it, very well written...

I enjoyed.

Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
2 posted 2003-02-17 07:30 PM


Thank you for your advice. I thought the same thing at first but that's how it came to me as I wrote. But then I thought that it was a mush full of metaphoric mess without each paragraph starting with that line. Thanks for being on the same wave length as me!!!


Cpat Hair
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793

3 posted 2003-02-17 07:40 PM


I understand the mix you speak of, and it is difficult to pull off without some central anchor, the repeated line being the anchor you used. I also know how it is to write what flows when you start.... not looking at it too closely just being indeed the scribe for what comes.

as I said..a quibble if it is indeed a quibble... rereading this I tend to agree that the line is what anchors the whole and atransitions would be much more difficult to pull of...

it is a nice complex piece of writing... with lots to explore in thought and feel as one reads it over...then turns around and reads again...


Mistletoe Angel
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Portland, Oregon
4 posted 2003-02-17 08:17 PM




(smiles) Oh Albert, this is wonderful, sweet friend, and I know you are one of those hearts that will move forward just as my prayers are with those who fight the leetide and I offer them hugs of strength and hope! (big hugggssssss) God Bless You, sweet friend, it'll be clear sailing from here for certain, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Albert, thank you for sharing!



Mayn love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
5 posted 2003-02-17 09:16 PM


Thank you sir Noah!!!!!
regards2you
Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940
California
6 posted 2003-02-18 06:22 AM



Albert,

This is subtly powerful and deep. It makes my heart pound in places. Too many lines and ideas to quote.

One I like:

"Be a verb, not a noun,
wallowing in ourselves"

It needs to be read slowly. Much thinking here. Enjoyed greatly.

Hugs, Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
7 posted 2003-02-18 07:46 AM


Thank you sooo MUCH Pat. I am glad you liked it!!!
ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353
Michigan, USA
8 posted 2003-02-18 08:00 AM


Intensely pleasurable. Rode the waves of each verse! ThisDiamond
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
9 posted 2003-02-18 08:08 AM


Albert,
A series of symbol passes that made a goal,
enjoyed.

[This message has been edited by Seymour Tabin (02-18-2003 08:09 AM).]

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392
Ohio
10 posted 2003-02-18 08:29 AM


love the waves myself,
a queensgirl,after leaving bklyn, love the beach, the waves,the whole rockaway rhythms,
love your style, look forward to more of it

Enchantress
Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113
Canada eh.
11 posted 2003-02-18 08:52 AM


Very nice piece of work here A.
Much enjoyed...and one for the book!
~Hugs & Smiles, Nancy~

~ Trace my body with your words..
And in doing so, you touch my heart. ~

Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
12 posted 2003-02-18 06:50 PM


Thanks Inkedgoddess....Love those beach waves myself.....

Thank you Enchantress....Appreciate it!!!!

Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
13 posted 2003-02-18 06:52 PM


Thank you diamond and Seymore!!! Very kind!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
14 posted 2003-02-20 11:39 AM


The mind is a dangerous place.
I stirred up the fire,
Of twisted history.
Paralyzed, I do not retreat from life,
But kill the fear.
~*~
Albert...this is good.  Very good.  My only suggestion would be to make sure you clean up the minor spelling errors...let me know if you need help.  Nothing puts a reader off more than seeing spelling errors...

This should fly....

It should also be in the book!

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
15 posted 2003-02-20 11:46 AM


..."listening to the sound of the soul"---I did and it rang out loud and clear!

Warm hugs,
Linda

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
16 posted 2003-02-20 12:31 PM


wonderful!
Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
17 posted 2003-02-20 06:31 PM


Sunshine - Thank you so much. Sorry about the errors but that's what happens when you type fast and in the dark!


Angel - Wow thank you!

Shadows - I Appreciate that!

Justbleu
Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329
Oregon, Originally From Alaska :)
18 posted 2003-02-21 08:59 AM


I very much enjoyed this.....I voted!!!!
And by no means is this too long!!!!!

Thank You!!!!

Bridgette  

garysgirl
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Member Laureate
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237
Florida, USA
19 posted 2003-02-21 09:04 AM


I agree with Bridget. I very much enjoyed..so,

Hugs,
Ethel

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
20 posted 2003-02-21 12:05 PM


This reads very well... thanks a lot for sharing...

and I didn't mind the length at all... in fact it flowed nicely...

regards,
sudhir

Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
21 posted 2003-02-21 04:50 PM


Thank you so much sadhir!!!

Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
22 posted 2003-02-21 04:52 PM


Thank you bridgette and Ethel!!
Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182
Netherlands
23 posted 2003-02-25 09:11 PM



Vote!

Titia

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
24 posted 2003-02-25 09:55 PM


THANKS Titia!
Midnitesun
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since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
25 posted 2003-03-01 10:19 AM


You/i/we are in absurdity
*************************

Exactly. We ARE an absurdity.
Complex creatures that we are,
we continually devise our own demise,
then sit back and ask that rather stupid
"What the?" while searching for some other  guilty party.
A few rough spots A, mostly spelling stumbles for me, but overall a very interesting and thought triggering piece.
For publication purposes, you might take Sunshine up on her offer of fixing glaring offenders. Those repetitive lines bothered me after the third incidence, yet I can't really offer you any alternative without substantially changing the flow. Let it flow, bro, from scene to scene. and vote

[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (03-01-2003 10:20 AM).]

Magnus
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since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA
26 posted 2003-03-01 10:34 AM


Albert,

sometimes just winging it is the thing to do
when the words are there....  Very intense,
good imagery...

Albert J. Allie
Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512
Queens NY
27 posted 2003-03-01 05:12 PM


ANK YOU MIDNITE AND MANGUS!! Appreciate it. I am glad you enjoyed the read!
carol
Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624
Florida USA
28 posted 2003-04-17 11:34 PM


Good work

Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become
Lots of Love
Rita

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