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Open Poetry #25
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Rain In The City
| Open Poetry #25 |
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Rain In The City |
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Dragon Mistress Member
since 2002-08-26
Posts 289Washington, USA. 
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Rain In The City The rain falls, a shower of silver silk, pooling in sexy puddles along a busy city street. Sliding over every passer-by, strands of shinny satin, dripping in an exotic way from their coated bodies. Hitting neon lights, beads of illuminated brilliance, clinging in a passioned grip to tubes of endless light. Skimming over fast cars, blankets of liquid platinum, hugging in a seductive embrace to gust swept windshields. Pouring down giant sky scrapers sheaths of diamond drops gliding in a risque fashion over walls of towering glass The rain falls, a shower of silver silk, descending suggestive and sleek over a city unseeing. Tanya ~*~I'm only a dreamer, with broken dreams, and only words to fall back on~*~ [This message has been edited by Dragon Mistress (02-15-2003 03:35 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Tanya Weakley - All Rights Reserved | |||
majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
very sleek and seductive as a poem. each bit a portrait of rain somewhere in the city - quite wonderful. the overt hints at the erotic nature were intersting, they didn't fit, but they did. in 3.3 you have spelled passioned as pssioned. -majnu |
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Dragon Mistress Member
since 2002-08-26
Posts 289Washington, USA. |
Thank you so very much. And thank you for pointing out the typo. I'll fix it right quick! Tanya ~*~I'm only a dreamer, with broken dreams, and only words to fall back on~*~ |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
Very nice, But two many metaphors Leave the rain as silk or satin Or explain how it’s changed ( since it’s not there for rhyme). Perhaps it could have been Strands of shinny linen Instead of strands of shinny satin, sounds about the same and keeps the fabric idea going and linen is a generic term of a style of cloth not the make ( although linens are usually thought of as cotton). Never liked the word, platinum Just doesn’t roll off the tongue well for me Metal would work better for me ( personal bias only) Overall a good poem With nice expression Gloom |
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Sunnyone Member Ascendant
since 2000-07-06
Posts 5334Staffordshire, England |
The only critique I could give is that it ended too soon, and that was because I enjoyed it so much! Poetry is an art, such as music is, and each listener/reader is seeing/hearing something different. What I saw here was a descriptive work that took my mind's eye to a rainy city and showed me a new way to look at what I normally take for granted. I'd call that very successful writing, and thank you for the journey!! Accept these small gifts from my gypsy soul, and let the magik happen! ~~S~~ |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
Wonderful work here! Rain IS VERY sexy... Sliding over every passer-by, strands of shinny satin, dripping in an exotic way from their coated bodies. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
never thought of it quite this way but you're right! thank you for the enlightenment... awesome write! |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Such a RICH portrait of rain. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
oh wow, I'm gonna have to open my eyes a bit more I guess, but then I live in the country... but with the brilliance of this, I bet you could make the rain here seem almost erotic too. Good job! Always, Alyssa - And so it was that time stood still - |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
Absolutely loved the images in this, very good writing and very enjoyed. |
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Fauxreal Junior Member
since 2003-02-16
Posts 38 |
I really liked the descriptiveness of this poem - i never actually thought of rain as erotic - but you've made me see.  |
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