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XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member
since 01-20-2008
Posts 887
Neverland


0 posted 11-21-2009 11:59 PM       View Profile for XxForever.BrokenxX   Email XxForever.BrokenxX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for XxForever.BrokenxX


Is it wrong to not love your own mother? I mean, she raised me and gave me her love, but somehow I can't find that love in myself to give back.

My parents got divorced in '04 and it's never bothered me, but I always saw it as my moms' fault. Everyone around me says it was all my Dad, he was the drunk, he was the one who didn't care. But I don't see it that way. To me it was my mom who wasn't strong enough. It wasn't like my Dad was abusive. He just would yell when he was mad like any other person. Yes, I'll admit, I remember times when I was scared. But I still loved him.
My mom was the one to kick my Dad out, she was the bad guy. And I still see it that way.
I know that isn't right. I know that it's cruel. Maybe it's just my teenage brain. But I honestly can say that I do not love my mother. She can be alright at times, but no matter how good my day was at school or whatever I always hate coming home because I don't want to have to talk to her.

Most days I wish I could live with my Dad. I know it would be better, but I also know it wouldn't be the same as just visiting him. He and I share likes. We like the same music, we think alike. And I know that he loves me with all his heart. Im not saying I don't think my mom loves me. She tells me all the time that she does. But it isn't the same. I can see the love in my Dad's eyes every time I see him, and I love him back.


-sorry, just a rant.no real purpose to it-

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
Southern Abstentia


1 posted 11-22-2009 12:49 AM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

I think it's possible that Flavius just didn't get the right flavor gumball.  If he was getting them out of a gumball machine -- (and really -- where else is there to get gumballs?)  then it's possible he got one of those horrible black licorice ones or maybe one of the weird blue ones.  

Or maybe it happened to him this way -- he tried to bite down on it and chew it like it was a stick of gum -- without letting it soften in his mouth a bit first.  

I've heard that Unicorns have very sensitive teeth, and if that's true -- biting down on an unsoftened gumball may have been his downfall.

Of course -- it would be inappropriate for anyone to comment on your situation with your parents -- other than to just say that we don't always see things the same way after we've put it in the rear-view mirror for a while.

Life is hard.  Relationships are hard.  Like peeling an orange.  You have to go through the tough, bitter stuff to get to the sweet part.  

Hang in there kid.  
XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member
since 01-20-2008
Posts 887
Neverland


2 posted 11-23-2009 06:12 PM       View Profile for XxForever.BrokenxX   Email XxForever.BrokenxX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for XxForever.BrokenxX

Thanks the whole gumball bit really cheered me up.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 10-12-2004
Posts 6334
Waukegan


3 posted 11-23-2009 07:07 PM       View Profile for Huan Yi   Email Huan Yi   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Huan Yi

.


"Most days I wish I could live with my Dad. I know it would be better, but I also know it wouldn't be the same as just visiting him. He and I share likes. We like the same music, we think alike. And I know that he loves me with all his heart. Im not saying I don't think my mom loves me. She tells me all the time that she does. But it isn't the same. I can see the love in my Dad's eyes every time I see him, and I love him back."


Then go home.

.
Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
Southern Abstentia


4 posted 11-23-2009 10:59 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

Good Emily -- a smile!  

That's the first bit of glue to start putting yourself together with.  You aren't broken you know -- it's just that people come with some assembly required!  
Bob K
Member Elite
since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


5 posted 11-24-2009 11:06 AM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K



    
Dear Broken Forever,

                        Having people yell at each other may be normal or it may not.  Having one of them do it when they're drunk is not.  Then it's not the person yelling, it's the booze, and you can't really argue back against a substance.  It has no memory and it doesn't try to make a point; all it tries to do is hurt other people.

     Somebody like your mom who was married to a drunk, even a wonderful drunk, which is the way you see your dad, have a rival in the marriage.  The booze is in constant competition.  Generally, the longer the competition goes on, the more the spouse loses, and the more the booze wins.  The drinking spouse cares less and less for the non-drinking spouse and more and more for the booze.

     It isn't particularly strong to stay in a marriage like that.  By getting out when she did, she was able to preserve your good feelings for your dad, which is an incredibly important gift to you.  We know that because you actually still have those feelings for your dad, and they aren't terribly badly affected by whatever things your dad did at home with his drinking.  You've been protected.

     That is strong.  That's a powerful example of a strong and nurturing mother for you, one who was willing to protect her child from a potential disaster by taking action.  

     If you love your father, she's had a part in allowing you to preserve those loving feelings.  When you reach out to him to see what sort of relationship you can or should build with him, you'll have your own chance to evaluate what else there is to him beside that special connection you made with him as a child.  You can build an independent relationship that has its own plusses and minuses.

     Right now, I'm guessing that you don't live with him and that your mother has to do the day to day work of parenting with you.  That means not only showing love the best way she can and for many of us, that's only to shaky a skill anyway and trying to keep things straight between you from the adult side of the equation.  This is something that almost always doomed to failure.  If it weren't, how could any child ever bear to leave home?  She's taking the risks and the knocks.  Your dad gets to get the fond idealizations.

     It couldn't hurt to get some good girlfriends to talk with about stuff like this, and it couldn't hurt to get a glimpse into other homes, to see what other families are like in comparison to your own.  You might be interested in checking out any local al-a-teen meetings, or al-anon meetings.  I suspect that you'd find at least some of these folks talking about familiar topics, some worse that the stuff you know, some better.  The meetings are free.

Sincerely, Bob Kaven
XxForever.BrokenxX
Senior Member
since 01-20-2008
Posts 887
Neverland


6 posted 11-24-2009 10:23 PM       View Profile for XxForever.BrokenxX   Email XxForever.BrokenxX   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for XxForever.BrokenxX

Thanks again Local Rebel.

And thank you Bob K, you gave me some deeper insight to the situation.

{~~*~~}

EmilyTheStrange
{~~*~~}
I have a pet unicorn...his name is Flavius, as in Flavius Belby. Flavius does not like gumballs..

Alison
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 01-27-2008
Posts 9055
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!


7 posted 11-24-2009 11:46 PM       View Profile for Alison   Email Alison   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alison

Emily,

It's hard to respond because we don't really know all the circumstances.  But, I do know one thing - your Mom has assumed the responsibility of raising a child and she hasn't backed down.  You say yourself that she loves you and it sounds like she has made some pretty tough decisions.

It's hard to separate ourselves as children and realize that our parents are not simply our parents.  Your parents shared, and continue to share, a relationship that includes you - and doesn't include you.  Where does your Mother draw the line as a parent?  Is she forever destined to be married to a man who you admit is (was?) an alcoholic?  You say he wasn't abusive - that's your opinion.  As Bob pointed out, your Mother may have worked hard for you to only see the good in your father.  That's called shielding you and loving you.  I can't think of anything more loving than a parent who is the "bad guy" not destroying the dreams that a child holds for the other parent.

I am sure that both your parents love you.  It is probably easier for your father to show you love.  You give it back to him.  Have you ever known someone that you love and they don't love you back?  It's heart-breaking and this has to be pretty hard on your Mom.

There are no easy answers in your situation.  Broken families are sad.  Yet, sometimes the break is necessary - as childen, we might never know the entire story.  Maybe we won't know it until we are adults.

One thing, Emily, I truly believe that someday you will love your Mom with all your heart.  You will understand all she has done for you because she loves you.  Because she is the responsible parent.  She is the one raising you - and your father?  Who knows how good a parent he would be if he had sole custody of you.

Emily, I hope that you can grow to love both your parents.  I believe that you do love your Mom - I think you are just damned angry at her.  Is there a school counselor you can talk to to help find your way through these emotions?  I'd love to see you find a way to open the door to a loving relationship with your Mom.  The longer you take to build it - the higher the walls grow.

Hang in there - I think it was rather brave of you to post this here in the Alley.  And I think it shows you are starting to heal and realize that it is not really all your Mother's fault.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Alison
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