How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Discussion
 The Alley
 over-sensitive?
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Ron   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

over-sensitive?

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
kif kif
Member
since 06-01-2006
Posts 431
BCN


0 posted 08-20-2006 05:32 AM       View Profile for kif kif   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kif kif

Last night, I was at a street festival with my family and a friend-who brought a young American guy. This guy was really nice and polite (although he did say he  couldn't understand a word of my Scottish accent-I told him to try...) until we got to the fun-fair (my son loves dodgems), when he made a comment. He said "all these bright lights and flashy rides remind me of trashy people." I know he didn't say "all these people here are trashy", but I kind of took offence (silently bad-minded). I think it was placing the concept of trash/rubbish/garbage to describe people...and assuming that the show was for a certain type of people. Am I being over-sensitive, or is that the kind of comment that seperates to degrade people?

[This message has been edited by kif kif (08-20-2006 06:10 AM).]

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


1 posted 08-20-2006 07:09 AM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

I don't think you're being over-sensitive, kif kif. The comment was pretty out of line, in my opinion, and I would have felt the same.

Normally, the way I choose to go should something like that happen is to directly clarify it immediately. I would ask him immediately and in a matter of fact way, "do you think the people here are trashy then?" or something along those lines. He would either respond in the  affirmative (in which case I would say "Have a good evening" and walk away or he would realize how his words sounded and apologize.

Anyone who would go the function of a different culture and criticize or ridicule it is completely out of line. Unfortunately, I have to confess that many Americans fit that mold. Having lived in various foreign countries and seen scores of American tourists come in and do exactly that validates the point. I don't fault you your feelings of unease or irritation.
kif kif
Member
since 06-01-2006
Posts 431
BCN


2 posted 08-20-2006 08:07 AM       View Profile for kif kif   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kif kif

Thanks Balladeer-I don't think it was about difference in culture, but he definitely said something about a class system. When my friend asked him what he meant, he said "I don't mean these people here are trashy..." so I just said "good, because people are not 'trashy'. I think he just blurted something out because he felt comfortable enough to do so, which is a good thing, but being young, doesn't understand the power of what he said. I was a bit miffed that he thought it ok to comment on my accent, too. Living in Barcelona, I've had to listen intently to everyone to understand what they're saying-why can't others do the same? The guy had a very slow, drawling accent that I had to understand, but he didn't seem to realise that, either! Grrr!
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


3 posted 08-20-2006 09:11 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

I can understand his having a problem with your Scot accent It can be tough for those of us who "think" we actually speak English. Being from Oklahoma, I sometimes find it a bit hard to understand a New Yorker. But it was inexcusable for him to mention it in such a way as to imply that it was your problem.

It does sound like he is young and inexperienced in communication skills.Also, Balladeer makes a valid point. Americans have created the bad reputation of speaking out-of-line when visiting other cultures. I don't think we mean to do it but we have been less exposed maybe than Europeans who almost have another culture next door. With that, I don't mean to make excuses for bad behavior, just a possible explanation.


kif kif
Member
since 06-01-2006
Posts 431
BCN


4 posted 08-20-2006 09:51 AM       View Profile for kif kif   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kif kif

Definitely-I've had to think about how I speak-it's certainly not *the Queen's english-but when I speak with Catalans and Spanish speaking spanish to me, I have to 'handle' their accent, just as they have to handle my accent when I'm speaking in english. When I'm speaking in spanish, Spanish people correct me, yet my accent suits the catalan ear, as it's sharp and gutteral, a bit like catalan-which I only know a few words and phrases.

Incidentally, when I lived in London, I got the sack for reacting to my boss who always complained about my accent-saying I was too abrupt...eventually, she used it to take the mickey, and I couldn't resist-oops! She was from Chigwell, and pronounced 'ice' as 'oiyse'.

I like your explaination about Europeans being more sensitive to other cultures because we're so close, but keep in mind that the British are as bad as tourists (and locals) as Americans-and what about the Germans? Perhaps it's just a superiority complex that demands expectations, wherever we are. (I've been in local shops here where Italians shout in Italian to Catalan granny's...)

*I've maintained my local dialect. I have a lot of friends with what we Scots sarcastically call 'the Edinburgh accent'...pretending to be posh. I can see the benefits to not having a thick accent-it's more understandable, but not half as poetic.
Essorant
Member Elite
since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


5 posted 08-20-2006 02:43 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

You did right.  I believe in the defensive approach at all times.  If someone offends you, put your shield up as strongly as you can.  Defend what you know is better as much as you can.  If you can't convince him to put down an offending sword, at least you never put down the defending shield.
kif kif
Member
since 06-01-2006
Posts 431
BCN


6 posted 08-20-2006 03:14 PM       View Profile for kif kif   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kif kif

Always being on the defensive is not a good look, dahling. Throw down your arms and come...

I can see how people get away with being ignorant, though. If it wasn't for the fact my friend was there, and knew him, I would not have said anything, and I'd make sure he wasn't in my company again. As it is, I left thinking the guy was young and a bit naive, I don't think he's a bigot-yet.
Essorant
Member Elite
since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


7 posted 08-20-2006 03:29 PM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

"As it is, I left thinking the guy was young and a bit naive, I don't think he's a bigot-yet. "


Me thinks you didn't hold your shield up well enough if his bad manner rubbed off on yours.  Just like he pointed his negative claws at people--and you disliked that--now your pointing your negative claws at him!  

kif kif
Member
since 06-01-2006
Posts 431
BCN


8 posted 08-20-2006 03:39 PM       View Profile for kif kif   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kif kif

I don't have positive claws-there's no need!

The difference is the people/situation he commented on are innocent. He brought my opinion of him on himself by what he said about them. I didn't say he was a bigot-just that he has the potential to become one if he's left unchecked.

Essorant
Member Elite
since 08-10-2002
Posts 4689
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada


9 posted 08-21-2006 11:30 AM       View Profile for Essorant   Email Essorant   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Essorant's Home Page   View IP for Essorant

"I don't have positive claws-there's no need!"

I didn't mean that there was need for "positive" here.  My criticism though is that you displaced your negative criticism about his words and put it upon his person instead, just like he displaced his negative criticism about flashy lights and rides and made it a negative comment about people, and somewhat offended you.  

[This message has been edited by Essorant (08-21-2006 12:05 PM).]

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


10 posted 08-21-2006 02:12 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

First, I confess I do have trouble with Scottish accents. But then, Ah am from the south, and heah we just add extra vowels just for the apparent hell of it.  

But funny you should mention this, as I'm having trouble myself, in racial, cultural, and class divisions.

sigh

Now that the racial divisions in New Orleans are appallingly apparent around the world, I guess it's a fair assessment to say that I am surrounded by bigots. My husband was raised with racial remarks being a matter of course, so much so that I don't think he even knew it was offensive--er, until he met me. My kids are not racist--um, this is when an emotionally distant father isn't necessarily a bad thing. My mother-in-law is also racist, but it is so pervasive, one can almost say that she is innocently racist.

Now back to the problem of where I share YOUR problem.

My kids have friends of all races. And I can make my husband and his mother watch their mouths--but the bad vibe is unmistakable when my kids have certain friends over. It's especially rough on my daughter, who has a friend that is a boy and also black. (I asked him if preferred to be called an African American and he asked me if I minded being called white--I like this kid) But anyhoo, here is my lovely blonde hair blue eyed daughter, and she not only braves the disapproving stares of the neighbors, she is rightfully angry that her friend does not feel comfortable visiting her now.

I'm less than thrilled about this situation myself, and when I confronted the hubby and mum in law about this, I too was told I was being too sensitive, and further, they had as much right to believe that racial division is correct.

It's been agreed here though, that racial slurs are not allowed, but how do you control something that isn't said?

I was more than dismayed that her friend declined my invitation to supper, and it's disheartening to know that he probably won't return to our home.

So over-sensitive? sigh--how do you control a bad vibe, and attitudes in people that are generationally engrained?

So hugs to you kif.

I do understand. And I don't know what to do about this either--if there is anything I can.

(And a public thank you to PdV for her advice on this too--one of the best mothers I know, so kisses to shar, too! )

In the meantime, I just keep fighting the good fight.   Because, um, no, I won't shaddup.
kif kif
Member
since 06-01-2006
Posts 431
BCN


11 posted 08-22-2006 03:47 AM       View Profile for kif kif   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kif kif

Essorant, that's a good point, but keep in mind that he brought it on himself. If he hadn't made an inappropriate comment, I would not have judged him as I did.

Serenity, that reminds me of when I was growing up. My first boyfriend's family wouldn't let me in their house because I was raised a Catholic. (It didn't bother me, but I was a troublesome teen-I thought it was funny, and acted accordingly...my 1st love didn't last long!)
I think there will always be tensions with colour creed and race, because in some places, resources are scarce. I think it's a subconcious selfishness. It's disgusting that some adults feel ok to make a child feel uncomfortable about who he/she is.

Your question, how to control what's not said is astute, because it's what's not said, what's ommitted, that sometimes speaks louder than any words uttered. You'll just have to keep on being sensitive to respect, and hope that your daughter maintains her senses, and follows your lead.
icebox
Member Elite
since 05-03-2003
Posts 4246
in the shadows


12 posted 08-22-2006 03:56 PM       View Profile for icebox   Email icebox   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for icebox

Be as offended as you choose to be.  

By the way, much of what is called a "southern" accent or "southern drawl" in the USA evolved from the speech patterns of the 16th and 17th century Scots/Irish who settled in the country.  However, it does take a cunning linguist to sort out that bit of academic trivia.
kif kif
Member
since 06-01-2006
Posts 431
BCN


13 posted 08-23-2006 07:52 AM       View Profile for kif kif   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kif kif

Interesting, Icebox. Also, we must remember the regional accent-perhaps the drawl comes from Glasgow and Cork...accent is much sharper and quicker in places like Tayside and Belfast.
 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Discussion >> The Alley >> over-sensitive? Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors