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Passions in Poetry

Heard any good jokes lately?

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serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


0 posted 06-11-2005 06:01 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze


I'm depressed again.

Christopher
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Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
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Purgatorial Incarceration


1 posted 06-11-2005 06:02 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

so what's the punchline?

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


2 posted 06-11-2005 06:05 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Nodding.

I've been wondering that m'self.

Enchantress
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since 08-14-2001
Posts 37801
Somewhere in time~


3 posted 06-11-2005 06:30 PM       View Profile for Enchantress   Email Enchantress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Enchantress

Oh!  I just thought of one..

Sorry..can't tell ya that one here.
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


4 posted 06-11-2005 06:46 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

*chuckle*

and yanno? I didn't even see that one, um, coming!



Thanks Nance.
vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 07-25-2000
Posts 9136
Somewhere... out there...


5 posted 06-11-2005 07:26 PM       View Profile for vlraynes   Email vlraynes   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit vlraynes's Home Page   View IP for vlraynes


Me too...

but I can offer a hug...

Love ya, lady...
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


6 posted 06-11-2005 07:33 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Just today I decided to clean my e-mail of all of the jokes [and some were NEW to me!] off my e-mail...dang it!

You see...I never know what's new...

and what is being recycled until I've seen it about 30 times...LOL....

I'm really surprised anymore when I get someone saying, "GEE...Thank you!  I've passed it on...."

and I KNOW it's at least four years old!
Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


7 posted 06-11-2005 09:15 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

Depressed, eh?  Watch some Springer then.  Seeing those 'guests' never fails to cheer me up, as well as improving my own opinion of my situation.  I always think, 'Well, at least that ain't me, nor my neighbors!'  Small thought, but still comforting.
Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
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Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


8 posted 06-11-2005 09:28 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK:

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop,
place an order, and when they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


9 posted 06-11-2005 10:12 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

The Jerry Springer thing doesn't work for me, bro. Once upon a time it did, but I realized one day that they all seemed way too familiar.

I was going to write Dr. Phil for a family intervention once, but then I realized my husband would only want his autograph. And then, we'd have to do ALL the talk shows.

(His latest obsession is getting me on wheel of fortune.)

and oh m'deer, m'deer...that DID make me laugh. All I could think about was me, WITH A PIZZA BOY?

tsk...methinks I'd more than likely be late to get home, and I'd prolly still have to walk!



thank you

I yam smiling now.

Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


10 posted 06-11-2005 11:35 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

See, this is why I don't watch Springer very often, just so it doesn't become blaise.  So every blue moon or three, I'll go channel surfing and come upon Springer, shake my head, and count my blessings, and move on.

And Dr. Phil?!  Geeze...I don't know the term for it, but I think he gets his kicks from attempting to be a catalyst in the lives of strangers and failing.  What's really cracked me up is when he's lectured people on their weight.
timothysangel1973
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since 12-03-2001
Posts 1749
Never close enough


11 posted 06-12-2005 02:44 AM       View Profile for timothysangel1973   Email timothysangel1973   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit timothysangel1973's Home Page   View IP for timothysangel1973

Well - I DON'T watch Springer because I am afraid that I will see some relatives on there

As far as Dr. Phil goes, well I like watching him, and I have purchased several of his books all of which I have found atleast 2 things that apply to me or my family and have even at times used some of his techniques - however, with that being said, he doesn't beleive in spanking yer kids, and I do - so me going on HIS show would never work because right off the bat he and I would bump heads.

As far as cheering you up Karen - well... I too have been in a funk lately and I really cain't help ya there, but I will say -

If ever your situation looks really bad and depressing - just remember:

Someone out there has it worse than you, and atleast 10 others have been where you are and have made it (without the help of daytime television hehe)

I always find it best to sulk around the house a few days and get everyone asking what's wrong with me - and then atleast I feel a little better knowing that they actually 'know' when something is wrong with me.

Hope ya feel better soon m'lady

Tima
Aenimal
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since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


12 posted 06-13-2005 12:36 AM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal

hey purty, download..uh..i mean buy the team america soundtrack. if those lyrics don't get you laughing we'll have to declare you clinically republican..i mean dead..dead..sorry

i kid, republicans, i kid
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


13 posted 06-13-2005 05:49 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Raph?

"i kid, republicans, i kid"



thank you lovie!

damn I needed that!

Capricious
Member
since 09-14-2002
Posts 89
California, USA


14 posted 06-13-2005 05:58 AM       View Profile for Capricious   Email Capricious   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Capricious

Here's a few for you:

HOUSEKEEPING TIPS:

1.  It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2.  If it walks OUT of the refrigerator, let it go!

3.  The best cleaning tool for an after-meal cleanup is the dog.

4.  Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

5.  NEVER cook fried chicken in the nude.

6.  Do not engage in unarmed combat with any dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

7.  You make the beds, vacuum the floor, do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

8.  If guys were supposed to hang clothes up, doorknobs would be bigger.

9.  My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

10.  Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

11.  My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

12.  I'm not vacuuming until Sears makes one you can ride on.

13.  I am a marvellous housekeeper; every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

14.  When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.



serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


15 posted 06-13-2005 10:57 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I'm blushing.

there are actually rules I adhere to in there....

1&2? Is that like the INDOOR fridge, or the one OUTSIDE?

3-4 nod...the dog is cleaner than the hubby in that regard, so hell yeah, open the door and let 'em in...

number five? wince

just not done..

and number six?

"6.  Do not engage in unarmed combat with any dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner."

Okay. cool. But? Um...how do I tell the difference between the larger than average dust mite and my hubby, trying to get lucky?

(oooh...somebody say "low blow")

laughing

the woman is desperate, yes?

and?

"7.  You make the beds, vacuum the floor, do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again."

and you don't?

8. tsk. Guys who worry about doorknob comparisons? *wince* generally pick up their clothes (they try harder?)

Number 9 is totally do-able.



and ten...ooh geez

how much would you say the average refrigerator weighs...and damn that is a disturbing thought...shudder, shake, clean my seals?


and ironing? that's like when you toss a wrinkled shirt in the dryer with a wet towel, right? *grin*

and 12?

nodding vigorous, not only does Sears make a vaccuum you can ride on, but it goes to "eleven" and um, be cautious in gentle areas, Lin, it does leave "hickeys"



and 13 is a rookie thang, but 14?

depends...if there is ouji present or no...



Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


16 posted 06-13-2005 11:04 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine




Some I had seen...

some I hadn't, but Cappy?

You're a !

Oh,

serenity?

Don't you have something to answer?  

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


17 posted 06-13-2005 11:12 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

okay okay okay Sunshine

but ya know what?

It would prolly be easier if you send it again.



I can't find it. heh?
Cloud 9
Senior Member
since 11-05-2004
Posts 988
Ca


18 posted 06-13-2005 01:40 PM       View Profile for Cloud 9   Email Cloud 9   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cloud 9

Hope this makes you laugh!!!

7 reasons not to mess with children.
  

1.  A little girl was talking to her teacher about
whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its
throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
  
2.  A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
  
3.  A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

4.  One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5.  The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
  
6.  A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the
blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

7.  The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


19 posted 06-13-2005 05:03 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Those are pretty good, Cloud 9!

Here's one I really like.  Highlight the text beneath the question for the answer.

Q:  What's green, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?

A:  A pool table.
Cloud 9
Senior Member
since 11-05-2004
Posts 988
Ca


20 posted 06-13-2005 05:24 PM       View Profile for Cloud 9   Email Cloud 9   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cloud 9

A:
littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 03-02-2003
Posts 9998
New York


21 posted 06-13-2005 05:58 PM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

Ok Bri, tell me that lil' HTML trick ya just did.

K?

and ironing? that's like when you toss a wrinkled shirt in the dryer with a wet towel, right? *grin*

OMG, I don't even own an iron . . . I don't buy clothes that need to BE ironed . . .
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


22 posted 06-13-2005 07:25 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

I don't iron either!
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


23 posted 06-13-2005 09:41 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

housework???





littlewing - just make the font color the same as the background... the text will still "be there", but you won't see it until you select it and the background of the select changes to where you can "see" the text.
littlewing
Member Rara Avis
since 03-02-2003
Posts 9998
New York


24 posted 06-13-2005 10:33 PM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

like this:   somewhat . . .


gee thanks Christopher, that was a cool trick!  
 
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