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Passions in Poetry

Maturity comes with age????

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Kaoru
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where the wild flowers grow


0 posted 04-27-2005 03:43 PM       View Profile for Kaoru   Email Kaoru   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kaoru


As you all know...or don't..I live with my boyfriend's parents for now, and his family kind of drive's me nuts (so I'm quietly frustrated). I'm a good guest. I clean up after myself, wash my dishes, buy my own food and I'm very quiet when others are sleeping.

I pride myself in being courteous and respectful towards others.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for his family. They are upper-middle class people, with two children in college and two in highschool. The highschool kids are living here full time, and they are both extremely spoiled and unmanagable. The girl (youngest of four) is the most well behaved, so I have no problems with her. The son (second youngest) is VERY rude and inconsiderate. He asks for complete silence after 8:30pm so he can sleep. I give him the best I can, but when I'm sleeping, he slams doors, yells and is loud in general, he also has his friends over after 11pm on some school nights and keeps my daughter awake after her bedtime.. When I confronted him about it (he turned on the bedroom light while my daughter was sleeping in it, and was playing loud music while she was sleeping, too) he told me I WAS INCONSIDERATE.

Then, there's my boyfriend's father..he is older and such, so I figured he was mature and didn't at all lack any respect or common sense. He just woke my daughter and I up from our afternoon nap (again) by yelling at his wife about very miniscule things (like nice bowls instead of plastic ones).

I never once yelled or even rose my voice in anger or otherwise toward anyone in this house..I never have friends over, and I'm always really nice to everyone despite their rude behavior.. It's shameful...


How do I deal with this situation????
serenity blaze
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1 posted 04-27-2005 04:06 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

In answer to your first question

"does maturity come with age?"

um, well, I'm the one who blew balloons out of the doc's latex gloves, so I'd have to say--prolly not.

As for how to cope? I think you know the answer already. You can't change a family dynamic that has been in the works long before you.

I will tell you that among some of the best memories of my life thus far was moving into my little rat trap apartment. My first meal there was welfare cheese, mayo and bread.

It was the best meal I'd ever had.

You'll see sweetie.

Sometimes situations are uncomfortable because we're supposed to move on.

heh.

Let me go type that a few thousand times.



Cloud 9
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2 posted 04-27-2005 04:49 PM       View Profile for Cloud 9   Email Cloud 9   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cloud 9

Just take a deep breath, close your eyes and say "it won't last forever, it won't last forever..." Everyone is raised differently. Just try to work with it the best way you can. Are you two looking for a place of your own?

Karen is right.

nakdthoughts
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3 posted 04-27-2005 08:57 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

I don't mean to make you feel bad Meg...but you have to realize that to the rest of that family (not necessarily the parents)you and the baby have invaded their space...and that seems like a pretty full household especially with teenagers, no matter what the household income or situation is culturally.

Maybe your boyfriend should have a quiet talk with his parents first about the disrespect...and then see where it goes from there (since she is their grandaughter). But you will never feel totally comfortable until you are on your own as a family...even if you have to struggle a bit)

hugs
M
Midnitesun
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4 posted 04-27-2005 09:11 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

well, for starters? you need to seek separate living quarters (MHO)
they shouldn't change for you, or vice versa
even IF they have quirky habits that aren't compatible
any way you can do it, I'd suggest
separate living arrangements
a rental, even a studio...not under the same roof, is preferable
but without denying the grandparents some visiting rights
this is just my personal take on this...
LoveBug
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5 posted 04-27-2005 09:54 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

I have to agree with everyone else. Living with the in-laws is never good. Try to get a little place of your own.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder!

Love's a lovely lad
His bringing up is beauty
Who loves him not is mad
For I must pay him duty
-Anonymous

timothysangel1973
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6 posted 04-27-2005 09:55 PM       View Profile for timothysangel1973   Email timothysangel1973   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit timothysangel1973's Home Page   View IP for timothysangel1973

Oh my.... this sounds just like my past....

I married when I was 18 and had a baby soon there after.. and me and my teenage hubby had to move in with his parents because among other things, he wouldnt work and support me and his child... anyhoo...

We lived in a house with his mom, dad, sister, her baby, and then the three of us.  Crowded would be the UNDERSTATEMENT of the year.  It was horrible, and all I done was cry.  I missed having people around me that loved me, and these people were strangers to me.  Either of my parents would have let me come back home, but not with the man that I married, because they wanted him to stand up and be a man.  

His dad was (is still) and alcoholic, his mother was as crazy as a loon, and the sisters just kinna went their own way.  I was left there with HIS family while he worked ( a few houurs ) fished, played pool, or whatever.  It was the worst time of my life.  I was a young mother who knew nothing about being a mother, I was missing my family and having to deal with a bunch of loons to boot lol

We all have a breaking point, and one day I just told my hubby... "Look, you can stay here if you want, and I can go home to my parents - or we can make a life together and find our own place."  For some strange reason he agreed and we were out in a week.  We moved into a 1 bedroom trailor with no air, minimal heat and the smell of every person that had ever lived there before us - but lemme tell ya... I slept like a baby that night...

Now.... that was 12 years ago.... and well lets just say that had I had any sense I woulda left his there and never looked back, but well you know what they say about regret lol

He and I didnt make it long, and divorced when my baby was 5 (as I sure hope wont be the case for you)... once again, I gave him a choice... he made it... me and my son (and daughter at that point)  left... and guess what?

I slept like a baby that night, and have ever since.

So...what am I trying to say?

Its time for you and your b/f to do the scariest thing you will ever do and that is to jump out there and get your feet wet.  No one says it'll be easy... but in the long run you'll be glad you suffered and tried.

Kaoru
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7 posted 04-27-2005 11:43 PM       View Profile for Kaoru   Email Kaoru   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kaoru

Well, it's never quite that simple, I guess. I understand what you all are saying, but I was also invited to live here until I have surgery on my stomach and back.

I hope you all understand that, naturally, I have complaints, as I'm sure they have of me. I'm not trying to be rude, here.

Timothysangel, I think you said it, without making me feel like crap for complaining. You're all right about moving out, but right now, times are very tough, and with my physical problems and Paul being in school, I can't work and nor can he. This IS temporary, I'm just not sure for how long...

But I guess these are things that are selfish of me to think about.
littlewing
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8 posted 04-28-2005 02:00 AM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

This is not selfish for you to think about you are way to nice, I must be a complete bitch because I would be freaking out.

I lived with my old parents in laws for lots of years, not with my son yet, but that was pretty hard, eventually we all found our groove, but see?  I just think his family, as Karen said, are just different people.

To me, they should have respect for your baby . . . that should be first priority, no matter whose house it is, sheesh.

About the welfare cheese, I am so pissed they don't give that out anymore . . .

*nodding to K*

I grew up on that stuff . . . huge blocks of it and yes, when the time comes for you to have your own place it will be the best thing you have ever felt.

Some people just never go through tough times and it is those people I truly feel sorry for Meg.  They never grow.

Keep in mind you are way up there spiritually, mentally and emotionally and that this is not forever . . . and that yes, it could be worse.

But I agree with you up there, it still isn't right.   And the age thing?  

no way . . . age is just a number . . .

Good Luck and kiss your baby . . . hug her tight and revel in the beauty you created.
She will keep you strong until you are able to stand alone.

[This message has been edited by Ron (04-28-2005 10:26 AM).]

timothysangel1973
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9 posted 04-28-2005 02:09 AM       View Profile for timothysangel1973   Email timothysangel1973   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit timothysangel1973's Home Page   View IP for timothysangel1973

I agree with Sue on this one.... just hold that baby and let everything else just slideon by...

I know I look at my little one, and even tho I never saw myself having a baby at 31 when I already had two that were capable of self-cleaning lol....

I wonder what in the world I ever done without her.... so... dont let anything get so big that you caint look at her and know that everything will be OKAY

Hugs
Tima

Choose to live, and love and all the in betweens.  Dry your eyes, and shelter your heart and let the pendulum swing.

serenity blaze
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10 posted 04-28-2005 05:19 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Smile...

You are such a sweetheart megs, because you ARE kind and considerate and ever thoughtful of others.

I'm sorry if anything I said made you feel bad.

'Cause see? Feelings can't be WRONG, they just are. And you are entitled to them lovie.

So have a hug with my apologies for all that non-help I gave you yesterday.

Truth is? I don't know shirt.
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11 posted 04-28-2005 07:42 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

dittoing Serenity here
get your names on a wait list for section 8
I know it's no fun and can be a lump in the throat to file those papers, but a young family CAN get help to get established independently
on the other hand? in many other cultures and countries, it's almost expected that the young couple stay closest to the most 'established' family, and often, it's to mutually help out.
Have you sat down in a 'group' family meeting? spoken with a family counselor? I believe everyone benefits with some impartial, non-emotional input. Good luck sweetie. Life only gets more complicated if you let these things rule your daily actions, and can negatively affect the chances you have to become a strong family. speaking from one who ignored outside help, but now wish I had not been so damn stubborn!

and wrinkles and AGE come with age, maturity is a crap shoot
Kaoru
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12 posted 04-29-2005 10:14 AM       View Profile for Kaoru   Email Kaoru   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kaoru

Here, for Section 8 Housing I must take the 6 month "welfare to work" program. I might look into it, but I can't work because I have a back injury (slipped disc).

Otherwise, thanks for the good idea.
Susan Caldwell
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13 posted 04-29-2005 02:39 PM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

too bad you aren't here....

I have extra room now...

and you sound like the perfect housemate..

best case scenario is you are going to have to suck it up as best you can until you are in a position to leave...unless these people would listen to you, which I doubt or you would have already done that, right?

just come here and vent when you need to or me & Leah are just an email away...

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

Kaoru
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14 posted 04-30-2005 12:55 AM       View Profile for Kaoru   Email Kaoru   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kaoru

Karen - Don't feel bad, apology accepted, but not needed.

I understand your first bit, I know it's best to move forward than backward or stay stagnant.

I wish the situation were different. Often times I want to go back home, but it's not yet suitable for a small child with all the animals. I want to get my own little crappy place where I can begin to build my own memories, have my own niche. Unfortunately, my body has failed me somewhat, and I have 2 surgeries in the works.. plus whatever else comes my way (see what happens when you get insurance?). Maybe in the next year, or less even, I can make a life for myself and my family...one that doesn't include annoyances and extra stress...

For now, I'm stuck.
Mysteria
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15 posted 04-30-2005 01:06 AM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

I am not sure if this works there, but I wondered if you put an advertisement in the paper to housesit for people going on extended vacations, etc.  Engineers working overseas quite often wish to keep their home and pay people to live in it.  I did that when I was young and on my own for a period there after a bitter divorce, just before I landed a good job.  It worked out great, as I was just newly on my own with a baby, and gave me time to get to know him a little better than if I worked.  Just an idea?

Megs, I know this sucks big time, as no maturity does not come with age, but try as you might you won't change the dynamics of a firmly established household.  To them, you are the intruder unfortuantely, and don't think they don't know it.  It is stuck you are for sure, but maybe can you turn it over in your mind to get some positive things out of it?  Things like you are never going to be like that, or do that, or cook that, or wear that.  I used to talk in my mind to my Mother-in-law and to this day thank God she couldn't hear what I said behind that smile I gave her.

Heal you first, try to somehow keep your chin up, and know you do have people here that care and will listen at least.  I wish I could think of an answer for you, but seeing I can't then I sure will be here to listen.
littlewing
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16 posted 05-01-2005 03:26 AM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

Meg,

Social Security Disability (SSD). . .
I have two herniated lumbar discs,
took 3 months to get approved in NYS
(who is tough on SSD, especially back injuries) and is temporary dependent upon your situation.

With one child, it more than pays the bills.   I recently started working again, so I do not need it, but that is another possibility.  All you do is go to their doctors. get an MRI, tests, etc which they pay for and as long as your situation shows you have a medical NEED and cannot work, you are good to go.

http://www.ssa.gov/disability/

Is worth a try, you will not be sorry if you are approved.  It will definitely help you get back on track.
Local Rebel
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17 posted 05-01-2005 07:43 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

Just think of all the people around the world who have had to share tiny flats with extended family and think of how fortunate we are -- and consider the fortune of having extended family that's even willing to help Meg!

and don't forget to start crying uncontrollably -- and when your boyfriend asks why just tell him it's because you're TIRED!  

(your feminine wiles have power young lady)
hush
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18 posted 05-02-2005 03:17 AM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

Sounds like the situation sucks... very crowded. My one interjection- I go to school full time, as in anywhere from 17 to 20 credit hours per semester, and I work from 16 to 32 hours a week to pay rent. The two aren't mutually exclusive, although I have a tough time convincing my boyfriend of that, and maybe that's your problem too... but tell your man to get a job!
timothysangel1973
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19 posted 05-02-2005 03:43 PM       View Profile for timothysangel1973   Email timothysangel1973   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit timothysangel1973's Home Page   View IP for timothysangel1973

And this too shall pass....

One day, you'll look back and say to your boyfriend/hubby... "How in the hell did we survive living with your parents?"  Cause I have said the very same thing...

Point being... I DID SURVIVE and you will too

Sometimes (especially when your a parent) YOU DO WHAT YA HAVE TO DO to get from one moment to the next !!

You will be ok my sister, and?

I hope that all goes well with your surgeries and you are back to 110% very soon !!

Hug that baby !!

Tima
 
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