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Passions in Poetry

How young is too young to date.

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Cloud 9
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since 11-05-2004
Posts 988
Ca


0 posted 02-01-2005 07:13 PM       View Profile for Cloud 9   Email Cloud 9   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cloud 9


Ok! I need some help with this. Maybe I didn't put this in the right category. But here ya go!

This is my son's first year in middle school and he was asking me about dating girls. He is 11 and will be 12 in July. Now, at this age he is not out looking for a girlfriend yet he doesn't think girls are gross either. He hangs out with a small crowd that contains girls and boys. So he asked me if he could "go out" with this girl that he likes. I asked him what made him ask and he said a couple of guys that he knows have girlfriends. I asked him if he HAD to have one just because they did and he shrugged his shoulders and said.....no! So here is my dilema.....I want him to be open with me and he is therefore I am trying to be positive, however I don't want to give him the impression that I am being negative and he goes and does it behind my back....YET...I feel he is too young to have a girlfriend. Good lord, I wasn't even thinking about boys at this age. I was 16 when I had my first boyfriend. Can someone with a older son give me some type of advice. Yes, I know, common sense but also times are changing with generations.  
Mistletoe Angel
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1 posted 02-01-2005 07:26 PM       View Profile for Mistletoe Angel   Email Mistletoe Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Mistletoe Angel's Home Page   View IP for Mistletoe Angel



(hugs) I guess we all have varying standards, don't we?

Ever since I was 14, I've always dreamed ever so much of having a girl in my life and have beautiful dreams of my fantasy girl so many nights. I'm 21 now and still haven't dated, perhaps it's all for the better because I moved to Portland last June and I would be heartbroken to have found someone very special then have to leave her behind.

I suppose I just can't give you an answer, still being young and of course not being a parent and such. But both my younger sisters Noelle (19) and Ellie (15) have boyfriends and I only want them to be happy, but to also follow their hearts and if something feels wrong, they should always let their feelings and doubts be heard. I believe 15 is indeed an early age to dateand it is an age where if something goes wrong you're only left with too much insecurity and anxiety. I love my sisters too much to see them get hurt and I hope everything turns out right and those friendships develop into something more special and everlasting.

I respect you very much for wanting to be open with him, and all you ask for in return is that he's open with you. In my opinion, 12 does sound too young to me to be dating, and he doesn't know enough or at least have enough experience with peers to understand how relationships work. So you've got to offer him plenty of attention so he doesn't feel isolated or alone in his thoughts and emotions. Then you also always have to have a little trust in someone. Then again, 12 just doesn't strike me as an age where you're really spreading your wings and extending your roots. It's more like once you graduate from middle school when that time comes around. I guess in the end I'd say 15-16 is the ideal time to start meeting people and dating, but I completely respect and understand other parents who believe 18 is a better time in the fear or concern something wrong happens and their child feels vulnerable or defeated.

(sigh) Give him attention and let him be open to you, and be ever vigilant, but try not to smother him either. That may only arrest a trusting, comfortable relationship to your son during an important growth stage of his life.

I hope I helped!

Sincerely,
Noah Eaton


"You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around and come back home" MB20
nakdthoughts
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since 10-29-2000
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Between the Lines


2 posted 02-01-2005 07:28 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

Number one he isn't old enough to drive, therefore you or some other adult will have to be the driver and take them somewhere and usually that somewhere is the mall or  a movie at the mall (I have had plenty of practice watching the kids at the malls in this cold weather)  And if it is a party you just make sure a parent is there..otherwise they just "hang" at that age.

Just always know where he/they are ( most have cell phones already)and depending on what they are doing or where they are going they will have time deadlines of when to be picked up etc.

It is very costly out there today to even go to a movie/pay for two and have the snacks that go along with it..so ask him what he thinks or considers to be a date...you may be surprised.

Just my opinion on that age group...they usually hang around in groups at that age.
Now you have to know I don't live in a big city so it may be different there.

Maureen


hmmm... I just noticed you were in California..so with  good weather there may be beaches to walk along or oceans to swim in...or mountains to climb..or hike in so I would just ask him what  kind of a date he is thinking about.

Savage Quiescence
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since 07-29-2002
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Wandering


3 posted 02-01-2005 08:37 PM       View Profile for Savage Quiescence   Email Savage Quiescence   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Savage Quiescence

I think it really depends on your son. Is he mature, does he make good decisions, do you trust him? If so, here is my view.

I had a boyfriend in 6th grade that I dated for 9 months. Yeah, I know. The dates were generally double-dates at the skating rink, because his older brother went out with my older friend. I think it was a wonderful experience, and it taught me a lot about myself. I've dated various guys since, and so at the age of *nearly* 18 I've been dating for just under half of my life (I had my first "boyfriend" in 5th grade). Unlike most of my friends, I am still a virgin, and not because of religious obligation (not saying that isn't a good enough reason) but because I have enough self respect and foresight to know that there is plenty of time for that later. I believe part of that is because I started out so young, I discovered that there is no need to rush, and have had plenty of broken hearts to remind me that nothing is certain. The other reason I believe is that my mother and I have always had an extremely open relationship. But then again, thats just me.

If you decide to let your son go ahead with it, watch him carefully. Talk to him openly about the reprocusions (sp?) of his actions. Don't snoop, but keep your eyes open.

Kudos to you for looking out for your boy. Goodluck.

Alicia

www.livejournal.com/users/alimakins

Ron
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4 posted 02-01-2005 10:01 PM       View Profile for Ron   Email Ron   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Ron's Home Page   View IP for Ron

Eleven is probably too young to start a family, and likely too old to start teach financial responsibilities. I think it's probably an ideal time, however, to start teaching them the importance of things like honesty and respect in a relationship.

I would think of dating at that age as akin to "commitment on training wheels." The terrain should be carefully chosen, the speed maintained well below full-throttle, but the importance of learning through experience generally encouraged.
Huan Yi
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since 10-12-2004
Posts 6334
Waukegan


5 posted 02-02-2005 01:50 AM       View Profile for Huan Yi   Email Huan Yi   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Huan Yi

Who is footing the bill?

Is this a Tom and Becky thing,
or fish net nylons and a heart shaped patch over the crotch?

A grade school nearby recently banned
girls wearing rubber bands of different colors
on their wrists because they were supposed
to have sexual symbolism, (what the girl had done/
was willing to do; all fantasy by many who
didn't have a clue no doubt; never the less...).*

How will “score”  be kept?
What constitutes a point?
Will there be tongue on the first date or second?

*If the boy “inappropriately touches” the/a girl,
(I remember getting a feel was a big deal
in those days of mine), at school, how will it
react, the other mother?


[This message has been edited by Huan Yi (02-02-2005 02:21 AM).]

nakdthoughts
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since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


6 posted 02-02-2005 06:13 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

"probably an ideal time, however, to start teaching them the importance of things like honesty and respect in a relationship. "

I agree with Ron...then again at 11 or 12  I rememember the most we did  when "liking" someone was to write the boys name on our tennis shoes (not called sneakers back then where I lived) and we didn't have malls so it was usually a movie or bowling, skating, swimming, after school dances or someone's birthday party.

I still would want to discuss  what his definitions of dating are and definitely meet any of the friends he hangs around with.


M
LeeJ
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since 06-19-2003
Posts 13093
SE PA


7 posted 02-02-2005 06:50 AM       View Profile for LeeJ   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LeeJ

Smiling fondly and admirably at your concern...I don't believe, at that age, children really do "go out" so to speak...but they do act out this soap opera dating thing, b/c they are bombarded with "you have to be a couple to be successful"....and so, they say in school, "they're dating", and exchange rings or whatever it is they do today to signify they're dating.  

We are socially a couple society...and children are people to...they have a need to feel accepted, as parental guidence at that age, starts to loose its charm...

Depends on the maturity and responsiblity of your child...and now you've stepped over into a new world with your child....me being me...I believe it's essential to encourage mental relationships with girls...given the fact that now is a cruical time to learn about taking great care and responsibility for someone else's feelings...being honest...admirable....and kind to each other...he can surely learn a lot about girls...how they think...it's time he socialize, and learn from his parents, at the same time, about all things that go with this responsibility.  

At that age, I remember meeting fellas at movies...or community events...given rides to and from the movies by the parents...perhaps invite the girl to your home for dinner....but keep it family oriented if and when you decide.  

This is also a good time to express the importance of a small job of sorts, cause dating takes money...movies, sodas, pop corn, candy...which will also takes some initiative...perhaps give him chores around the house...and pay him for it...or a summer paper route...which teaches responsiblity...how to be a gentleman when it comes to dating.  

Teach him to never go to a home empty...to always open the door for a lady, to extend his hand, to help her out of the car, the tricks of listening to a woman and picking up their messages, and not to be afraid of rejection...

If he's invited for dinner, to take a flower for the gal or the mom cooking dinner...consideration and kindness and even a thank you note for dinner...teaches a child a whole new world of expression and manners, which can be fun for you, he, and his friends alike.  

Treat her as you would one of his friends...and keep the communication lines open wide...if he is confident...he will soon decide, girl friends are as much fun and interesting as boy friends...and there is much to be learned, bout their emotions.

I think this is a great time to teach kids today, that a relationship is way more then physical...because I'm certain, he's been bombarded with the physical in watching movies...etc...and that was a movie, and relationships are way more then what the movie expressed.

I to this day, have some very cherished male friends, that were close friends in grade school and junior high school...and we never dated...oh, we acted out the course of dating like all other children did, breaking up, etc...but never really dated.  

Also suggest reading about this...getting some pointers from the church or friends...this is a time in your son's life, where he's actually asking you, and waiting to hear your response...testing the waters so to speak...and if everyone else is doing it...he wants to try it to...

I'd simply make certain, that the so called dates include your family or hers...remember, your the parent...always...and now starts not only a new path so to speak for all of you, but by encouraging family outings, togetherness...well, simply, this time in my sons life was most memorable...all his friends, girls and boys alike, spent many hours in our home.

And remember, it's ok and surely a must to call the other parents, to make certain they 1. know that there children are safe with you...and 2. where your going and what time you'll be back.  In doing so, you'll not only get a feeling where the parents are coming from, but will also tell a lot about how the child's behavior will be...but also...you'll meet a lot of the childrens parents and maybe make some new friends yourself?

We went camping, fishing...riding horses...we did the youth group thing with the church, and the kids loved it...we took trips to cities together, art, museums....festivals...picnics...swimming...even had special parties for the kids...where he could invite his friends...for instance, a super bowl party...or a celebration party of some kind, the kids love this interaction...and if the kids have fun, enjoy the ability to express with you and your wife...they will return...believe me. Get involved without him knowing...offer him the choice of bringing friends along.  You'll have a great time, I promise.

Hehe, I remember one time, we had 8 neighborhood kids and David's friends in a van and we packed up soda's, sandwhiches, candy and off we went to a drive in movie...it was great fun...families that play together, stay together, and your son's friends will gravitate towards you and your home.

I liked the fact that you talked to him and asked him if he wanted to try it because everyone else was doing it?  Good show!  Gives him food for thought...and he'll think about it, regardless of what his reaction was.  

This is a time which will bring back memories fond memories for you and you will remember what is was like being that age...and with this opportunity will also come, the perspective of what its like being that age...you'll flower yourself, while your child will also not be afraid to come to you for advice.  Never get upset or yell, but talk...and always ask him what he thinks or how he thinks he should handle the situation...then offer some pointers perhaps he could try...you'll be amazed at how you will also become surgate to his friends as well.  

Good luck...hope I've been of some help, this will be a great time in you and your child's life, if you get involved...



Cloud 9
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since 11-05-2004
Posts 988
Ca


8 posted 02-02-2005 01:06 PM       View Profile for Cloud 9   Email Cloud 9   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cloud 9

Thank you for the advice and compliments I really appreciate it....

Ok let me give you a little history about my son. He is very well mannered and is...ehh mature. Although he can be immature at times. He has done a 360 turn from elementary school to middle school. I was having problems with school work and homework only in elementary school. No girls. He has friends of both gender. He is not the type of kid that is in a "click." We are open and honest with each other and no I am not overbarring nor do I smother him. He just started seeing his dad after 9 years. Which is going very well. I have never talked bad about his dad or painted a picture of evilness. What happened between him and I IS between him and I. I have never used my son against him. Therefore his dad could see him anytime he wanted to. I don't understand mothers that do but that is another subject. anyhow....

He has went to the show with friends...girls and boys. I have taken him to the show with a couple of kids (boys). However he has gone to the show with a couple of girls in the last school year and thier parents were with them. They were not girlfriends. He did admit to me last night that he did have a girlfriend at the beginning of the school year. I asked him who she was and he said its a girl that has liked him ever since elementary school. I asked why they "broke up" and he said that her friends were telling him rumors and his friends were telling her friends rumors. He said he is too young for that kind of stuff so he broke it off with her. He said the only thing they did was hold hands. No kissing (which he thought was gross, by the way), no hugging. They sat together at lunch and hung out after. When he was in elementary school "liking a girl" meant he thought she was cute. I remember he liked this one girl and as soon she got streaks in her hair, he didn't like her anymore.LOL Although he does have this one friend who has a girlfriend and they do it all. He has seen them kiss and the friend grabs his girlfriend and does inappropriate things. He was explaining it to me last week and I asked him how he felt about it and he looked at me with his nose wrinkled and said he thought his friend was disrespecting her, but why would she allow him to do that to her. I praised him on that. I told him I thought he was too young and that he should be focusing on school. He has done a tremendous job this year. He understood and he told me if he wanted to take a girl out to the show, would I go with him and I said yes. So this is pretty much what we are touching on.  

So the bottom line is we HAVE a close relationship and we talk openly. Now, when it comes to puberty and stuff like that he will not talk to me, he talks to my dad or my brother in law. He trusts them very much. He hasn't went that far with this whole "girlfriend" thing. What I mean is his definition of "girlfriend" is......I think she is cute, we hold hands, sit together at lunch and we call each other once in a great while.

If he does start going out with anyone, should I call the parents and make them aware? What if they think she is too young and its not in her best interest that she has a boyfriend?
RSWells
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since 06-17-2001
Posts 2607


9 posted 02-02-2005 05:11 PM       View Profile for RSWells   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for RSWells

Times changed before my eyes and cranked up to a faster track. The internet, an overall blessing of instant communication and the hope that that brings, joins cable TV, some music, as a ready conduit for impressionable young to potentially misinterpret the interaction between sexes and the possibility to confuse lust and love.

I've no doubt your son is a sweet boy. But so was I at 12 (1965 and the age of aquarias) when my mother was horrified to find a note in my pants pocket from another 12 year old and her concerns of being pregnant.

Simply time for a straight talk. With four of my own, I was able to see in their eyes what was meant by "dating" and at that age it's ordinarily harmless.

Bon Chance

  

Poets against the war is redundant

Larry C
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10 posted 02-02-2005 07:27 PM       View Profile for Larry C   Email Larry C   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Larry C's Home Page   View IP for Larry C

Cloud9,
When I was five years old I was fantasizing about being married. I had the perfect candidate already selected. Every night I would place her senior high school annual at the foot of my bed and drift to sleep dreaming of her.

Seems some boys are just wired die-hard romantics. My first job was working in the cafeteria at high school (1964). Girls only. I was the stock boy. I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

It is my humble opinion that it is all about supervision. Seems to me that at that age there is little need for "alone" time. I have no objection to kids getting time together as long as there are adults around monitoring the activities and the behavior.

If alone time is required or initiated then there is justification for suspicion (in my opinion). But then again there are many opinions on this topic. Seems to me he has a pretty wise mom and is an awesome kid. I trust you'll do what is best. I wish you only the best. Next thing ya' know he'll want the car keys and will be on his own... All the more reason why there is no rush.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 10-12-2004
Posts 6334
Waukegan


11 posted 02-03-2005 02:21 AM       View Profile for Huan Yi   Email Huan Yi   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Huan Yi



"What if they think she is too young and its not in her best interest that she has a boyfriend? "


We'll be seeing you on Judge Judy.
GG
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since 12-03-2002
Posts 3615
Lost in thought


12 posted 02-03-2005 04:30 AM       View Profile for GG   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for GG

About calling her parents... you may want to try and talk with her a little if you get a chance. When you drive them somewhere or if you go on a picnic with them. In brief conversations you can get a feel for what her family is like. After that you can decide if it's best to call them. It's easy to forget that some parents just don't care, and sometimes if a parent gets a call about their kid, no matter what for, all it means is they'll get angry and the kid has to deal with however that anger is expressed.

If you talk to her and it sounds like she has nice and caring parents who are trying to take an active role in her life then yep, give 'em a call. If not, spare her the humiliation and the fear and offer her a refuge from home...

That's my penny and a half!
Always, Alyssa

He was a man of sorrows
...I am a girl of tears.

LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 06-19-2003
Posts 13093
SE PA


13 posted 02-03-2005 07:26 AM       View Profile for LeeJ   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LeeJ

"What if they think she is too young and its not in her best interest that she has a boyfriend? "

Then you and your son must honor their decission, which would also be a lesson for your son...

GG said it best about talking with the girl...what you see in her, will certainly validate somewhat of a picture of her parents...

You will make mistakes...we always do, but by admitting your mistakes to your children...helps them understand, it isn't the end of the world, and also teaches them, we learn from our mistakes...and to never fear owning up to them for fear of rejection or not fitting in.  

We learn from our children, as they do from us, and there is always a new frontier to explore together...by talking things over maturely and honestly...without condiscention....which will enable a great trust between the two of you

Sounds like you guys are doing very well, and happy to hear you've kept what is between you and his father as such.  Very wise.

Also sounds like you both have a very good open line of communication...  

Keep us posted and wishing you lotsa fun and happiness with your son.  He sounds like a fine young man...polite and considerate.  Bravo Mom!
Cloud 9
Senior Member
since 11-05-2004
Posts 988
Ca


14 posted 02-03-2005 11:09 AM       View Profile for Cloud 9   Email Cloud 9   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cloud 9

Again, I thank you all for your responses and being honest.

I guess I am worried about something that truly hasn't happened yet so therefore I am getting some "heads up" advice.

thank you all for your support. And no I am not going to be on Judge Judy, thank you very much.
 
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