where the wild flowers grow
I guess this will be rather long, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible..
My mother had a boyfriend, or partner as she liked to call him, for two years. We (mother, sister, boyfriend and I) all lived together. My mother's boyfriend one day decided that he no longer wanted to be with her, and came home with several family members to inform us that we had to leave our home so he could gather his things and move out.
At the time, I was 8 months pregnant and the stress of the situation caused me to go into preterm labor, which resulted in bedrest. That is no fun. So, of course, I harbor a certain amount of anger toward this man..Not only did he devastate my sister and mother, but he could've easily caused my baby to be premature.
My mother had to switch all of the bills into her name, and pay him to give us the deed to the land and our trailer, since it was all in his name. Even though he had moved into a nice house and had a new girlfriend, which he'd been cheating on my mother with for months before this all occured.
Now, I love my mother with all of my heart. I felt so horribly that she had to go through all of this heartbreak and stress.. What he did to her was awful, but she continued to talk to him and try to be friends with him (against my advice, which was to sever all ties).
When I was in the hospital after having my daughter, my mother called my room and asked me if he could see her. I said absolutely not, under no circumstances, and I kept to that. I'd had nightmares about him holding her and not giving her back to me. They plauged my dreams and it just made me upset. I told my mother about them everytime..
It was around thanksgiving time when my mother asked me if she could take my daughter to the grocery for thanksgiving meal shopping. Of course, I said sure. Not only would it give me a little rest time, but my daughter could have some time to spend with grandma.
So here's where the problem REALLY begins.. While my mother was gone, I took a nap. I dreamt that she was taking Freyja not because she wanted to take her shopping, but because she wanted to let her ex-boyfriend see her. In my mind, I felt like that was really what happened..So, I did something awful that I'd never think of doing unless I felt there was a damn good reason..
I snooped in her e-mail inbox.
I know, it was really wrong of me, and my initial intent was to prove myself wrong. However, I didn't do that.
My mother took my daughter to see this man, and I was devastated.. I felt so betrayed. The one person I felt I could trust the most did something that I felt was the worst thing anyone could do. She did what I really didn't want her to do.
A few days later, I was confronted by her. I hadn't said anything about it, and I thought maybe I wouldn't. She found out that I'd read her e-mail.
According to her, what I did was far worse than what she did, but I tend to disagree. I did do something wrong, and I said I was sorry a million times..but she did not once apologize for what she did...
This horrid man held my daughter..my own mother turned against me for a man..
It's been awhile since it happened, and my mother and I have been acting like it never even happened.
In my mind it still lingers, though, there are times that I can't help but cry because I feel so awful. I can't believe that she'd do something like that to me and think of it as something so miniscule. To me, it was a huge thing, it never leaves my mind. I want to forget about it, but something keeps me from doing that...
I don't want to bring it up again, because when we talked about it the last time, it became a huge screaming match between us. She turned against me in every which way, and all I could do is let her.
I just don't know what to do..I can't help how I feel..but I don't want to feel so upset anymore.. How do I get over this? Am I overreacting?