How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Discussion
 The Alley
 A situation that still bothers me....
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Ron   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

A situation that still bothers me....

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Kaoru
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 06-07-2003
Posts 3888
where the wild flowers grow


0 posted 12-15-2004 05:48 AM       View Profile for Kaoru   Email Kaoru   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kaoru

I guess this will be rather long, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible..

My mother had a boyfriend, or partner as she liked to call him, for two years. We (mother, sister, boyfriend and I) all lived together. My mother's boyfriend one day decided that he no longer wanted to be with her, and came home with several family members to inform us that we had to leave our home so he could gather his things and move out.

At the time, I was 8 months pregnant and the stress of the situation caused me to go into preterm labor, which resulted in bedrest. That is no fun. So, of course, I harbor a certain amount of anger toward this man..Not only did he devastate my sister and mother, but he could've easily caused my baby to be premature.

My mother had to switch all of the bills into her name, and pay him to give us the deed to the land and our trailer, since it was all in his name. Even though he had moved into a nice house and had a new girlfriend, which he'd been cheating on my mother with for months before this all occured.

Now, I love my mother with all of my heart. I felt so horribly that she had to go through all of this heartbreak and stress.. What he did to her was awful, but she continued to talk to him and try to be friends with him (against my advice, which was to sever all ties).

When I was in the hospital after having my daughter, my mother called my room and asked me if he could see her. I said absolutely not, under no circumstances, and I kept to that. I'd had nightmares about him holding her and not giving her back to me. They plauged my dreams and it just made me upset. I told my mother about them everytime..

It was around thanksgiving time when my mother asked me if she could take my daughter to the grocery for thanksgiving meal shopping. Of course, I said sure. Not only would it give me a little rest time, but my daughter could have some time to spend with grandma.

So here's where the problem REALLY begins.. While my mother was gone, I took a nap. I dreamt that she was taking Freyja not because she wanted to take her shopping, but because she wanted to let her ex-boyfriend see her. In my mind, I felt like that was really what happened..So, I did something awful that I'd never think of doing unless I felt there was a damn good reason..

I snooped in her e-mail inbox.

I know, it was really wrong of me, and my initial intent was to prove myself wrong. However, I didn't do that.

My mother took my daughter to see this man, and I was devastated.. I felt so betrayed. The one person I felt I could trust the most did something that I felt was the worst thing anyone could do. She did what I really didn't want her to do.

A few days later, I was confronted by her. I hadn't said anything about it, and I thought maybe I wouldn't. She found out that I'd read her e-mail.

According to her, what I did was far worse than what she did, but I tend to disagree. I did do something wrong, and I said I was sorry a million times..but she did not once apologize for what she did...

This horrid man held my daughter..my own mother turned against me for a man..

It's been awhile since it happened, and my mother and I have been acting like it never even happened.

In my mind it still lingers, though, there are times that I can't help but cry because I feel so awful. I can't believe that she'd do something like that to me and think of it as something so miniscule. To me, it was a huge thing, it never leaves my mind. I want to forget about it, but something keeps me from doing that...

I don't want to bring it up again, because when we talked about it the last time, it became a huge screaming match between us. She turned against me in every which way, and all I could do is let her.

I just don't know what to do..I can't help how I feel..but I don't want to feel so upset anymore.. How do I get over this? Am I overreacting?
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


1 posted 12-15-2004 06:10 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

I don't think you are overreacting at all...

You trusted your mother and she broke that trust...and your baby's safety is your first concern.

Maybe the thing to do to make it better..is to confront this man and let him know you don't want him in contact with your child especially through your mother and that it will cause a problem between you two and if he cares anything about any of you he will do as you wish.

I think your mother has a lot to learn about priorities.  And since your instincts were correct I find nothing wrong with you having checked the e-mails.

This world is filled with people who do  crazy things in the name of love...the wrong kinds of things and the wrong kind of love.

hugs
M
p.s. Not having been a mother, others may disagree with me
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


2 posted 12-15-2004 06:28 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


Two lines of trust were broken.  But I think the larger break was from your mother.  She went against your wishes and took your daughter to a man who lied and cheated.  YOU went in search of a reason why.  

To me, reading another's e-mail is as wrong as opening USPS mail...

However, you were also experiencing panic and anxiety over the safety of your child, which comes first, over and above everything.  I wish I could tell you to move out on your own but I feel finances have a play in that matter.

Go to your mother.  Tell her you feel you were both wrong, but that she is not being the adult in this matter, and that you are only concerned with the health and safety of your daughter.

It will be easy enough for your mother to protect her computer with passwords and such.  But I doubt I would be so willing to give my child over to a woman who went against my better judgment.

  Honey, I don't know why your Mom did this...but as soon as you can?  It is time to find your own nest.

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


3 posted 12-15-2004 08:48 AM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

I agree, Karilea...especially about trying to get her own place to live...and as my computer froze earlier...I had wanted to add that your mother "probably" used your child (her granddaughter) as an excuse to see this man again.
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


4 posted 12-15-2004 09:09 AM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

If my mom did something like this? I would never speak to her again or trust my child with her. I would never leave her alone with my child. Ever. I wouldn't bring it up again, as it just causes fighting, but instead let your actions speak for you. If she asks you why you won't let her have her, I would just look at her and ask her does she really need to ask? Or avoid it by giving another reason. That is horrible what she did and very selfish. I'm so sorry she did that to you.
I agree, you need to get your own place ASAP. Easier said than done some times, but I hope it works out for you.
(((heart hugs)))
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


5 posted 12-15-2004 10:50 AM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

quote:
my mother called my room and asked me if he could see her. I said absolutely not, under no circumstances, and I kept to that.
I thought about this for a very short while, trying to comprehend exactly what part of "absolutely not, under NO circumstances" didn't SHE understand~

I would be absolutely FURIOUS if a member of my family went against my wishes in a manner like this~

As far as 'snooping' into her email ... good Heaven's ... with a mother's gut instinct working in the best interest of YOUR CHILD, ... don't give it another thought !!!

No matter how much you love your Mom, she was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG !
Don't let her transfer HER guilt to you~

As for not bringing it up again ... well, I think I'd chance it ... so that she 'understands' in no uncertain terms that if she should violate your trust, concering YOUR CHILD again, the consequences will be most serious to her~

If and when you can make a move that is suitable and safe for you and your child ... my gut tells me that you should do exactly that~

Good luck to you sweetie ... continue to listen to those 'motherly instincts' ... they are there for a very good reason~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.
- Sufi epigram <))><

Email noles1@totcon.com

Cloud 9
Senior Member
since 11-05-2004
Posts 988
Ca


6 posted 12-15-2004 11:07 AM       View Profile for Cloud 9   Email Cloud 9   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cloud 9

Overreacting???? Not at all!!!

I would be furious if my mother did that. This man put her and HER family in a difficult situation and she still talks to him???? I don't understand.

Maybe you and your boyfriend should look for a place together. You never know what may happen down the road with this guy. Its unfortuate your mom has put this man in front of her family and will go as far as doing something against someones wishes.

Sweetie, she is your mom no matter what. You can be there for her and comfort her but I think that's as far as it goes. You have your own family to take care of. All that you are feeling is COMPLETELY understandable......do not feel guilty or bad.
Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis
since 12-27-2002
Posts 8464
Florida


7 posted 12-15-2004 12:11 PM       View Profile for Susan Caldwell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Susan Caldwell

First let me tell you how I feel about the reading others emails.

I don't do it....unless they have given me reason to believe I need to.  Then I will do it in a heartbeat to confirm their guilt.  I have no remorse for doing so.  And I have never done it and found that I was wrong.  My gut is pretty dead on.  

As for your Mom...can't say I understand what she might have been thinking...first, is she okay being "friends" with someone that betrayed her?  and if so does she think that means it's okay to betray you?  

Meg, seriously you didn't do anything wrong, and the whole thing just makes me angry. Regardless of the fact that you now have a child of your own you still need your mother and she needs to be someone you can depend upon.  

"cast me gently into the morning, for the night has been unkind"
~Sarah McLachlan~

Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


8 posted 12-15-2004 02:00 PM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

I empathize.  My mother has in the past displayed a very bad habit of prolonging bad relationships to the breaking point ... both for herself and those who loved her.

Myself and the rest of our family have often been betrayed by her in the name of "love," although the relationship in question took the form of anything but.

My mother had to be nearly killed by her husband not once, but twice, before she finally left him for good.  The healing process was long, for the entire family but especially for her, both physically and mentally.  She could not cut all ties as they have a son together, but she has now come to see him for what he is (although she is still sympathetic to him as she is to any human being; my mother is the type that takes in every starving stray kitten - or human - that crosses her path).

Not knowing your mother personally, I cannot say for sure if she has the same problem as mine.  With my mother it was a clear pattern of abuse and codependence, and it took several attempts at intervention by family members and friends before she was able to break out of it.  

If this is the case with your mother, however, your anger will avail you nothing.  You have every right to be angry, of course, but it may be the case that your mother feels she did nothing wrong, or is trying to reverse-justify herself using your transgression.  If you take aggressive action against her it will only drive the two of you further apart, and in so doing, likely drive her closer to the ex.

My advice would be to sit down and have a frank talk with her.  Do apologize for invading her privacy, as regardless of your reasons it was still an invasion.  Remind her that your trust was broken as well, and that you do not have the option to simply change the password on your baby to prevent such a thing from happening again - sounds like a ridiculous statement, but perhaps it will help her to realize the triviality of your trangression compared to hers.  Explain that you do not wish to restrict her access to the child because a grandmother is important, you love and trust her, etc (I don't think I need to coach you here, go with your gut), but ask her to be honest about what she would have done in your situation, using examples from your past if you have any (a boyfriend she didn't like, for example).

I cannot stress enough that anger will solve nothing, and in all likelihood will only exacerbate the situaton.  Mothers tend to look upon the anger of their children -  regardless of age, righteous or not -  as tantrums, and discard them as such.  A calm but cutting discussion, delivered with firmness tempered with understanding and love, catches them off-guard, I find.

Best of luck to you.

Linda
Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 03-07-2001
Posts 19652
British Columbia, Canada


9 posted 12-15-2004 02:17 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

I would say you learned a lot from this incident.  We can't be responsible for other people's actions only our own.  I see that you are firmly planted into the "Mother's Instinct Club" now, and that gives you certain privileges that include doing almost anything in the interest of Freyja.  As a Mother, you will find that you will do whatever it takes to keep her safe, and you did that by following your instincts.

Your Mother was in all ways wrong, and I would show her these comments by printing them out and handing them to her, but simply walking away.  Don't set yourself up into a power struggle or argument with her.  You are the mother of this child not her, and she is forgetting that at the moment I think and assuming far too much.  

I agree that she may indeed be using your child as a pawn in the game of love, and that is so sad, and must stop.  I would suggest you call this man yourself on the phone, and tell him you won't hesitate to get a restraining order issued against him and that you want him to stay away from you and your daughter and tell him exactly why.  You could have lost your child due to his selfishness, and I truly understand why you are angry and bitter.   I say, shame on your Mom, and on this man period, but we all do make mistakes, just be careful and watch out for you and your sweetie there.

When possible, try to find your own home, but until then you are doing a great job, as a Mother setting your boundaries, and it is okay to be angry, hurt and mad, remember that.  Never feel guilty about what you feel, or make excuses for it.
Mysteria
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 03-07-2001
Posts 19652
British Columbia, Canada


10 posted 12-15-2004 02:42 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Skyfyre gave you excellent advise and as a matter of fact, I printed it as being a grandmother it hit home big time.
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


11 posted 12-15-2004 03:29 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Your mother crossed boundries and violated your trust and respect. She showed a total disregard for your place as the mother.
You have every right to be upset and this isnt something that will just go away with time. Grandparents often think they have more rights than they do. Perhaps because we are their kids they transfer some of that control over, but if a grandparent shows poor judgement and interferes beyond boundaries that the parents are comfortable with then there will always be some sort of conflict. We had to remove our kids from grandparent contact early on because they would not respect any of the things asked, or they showed such poor judgement that the kids werent safe. Driving them without putting them in the car seat, leaving them in the car while they went in stores etc... and once even driving with them while intoxicated. Needless to say...sometimes we have to make hard decisions...after MANY converstations such as Linda advised..they continued on with such patterns and so we had to do what was right for our kids...family bonds were damaged and some were severed, but my kids were removed from the dysfunction. Other grandchildren who were not taken out of the situation have been hurt in both car accidents and in the home by being burnt etc. Linda gave very good advice,and an avenue to start with. I offer you my experiences to let you know sometimes we are forced to make choices for the kids that they cant make. Yes, grandparents can enrich a childs life...my grandparents were amazing...unfortunately my kids got short changed in that department. I hope you and your mom can come to an understanding...its about boundaries and respect, most of all its about what is in the childs best interest and safety.
Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 10-12-2004
Posts 6334
Waukegan


12 posted 12-15-2004 08:34 PM       View Profile for Huan Yi   Email Huan Yi   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Huan Yi


Once a mother told me: I just want somebody
who knows me as Linda.  

It cant be easy for your mother . . .
Kaoru
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 06-07-2003
Posts 3888
where the wild flowers grow


13 posted 12-15-2004 11:47 PM       View Profile for Kaoru   Email Kaoru   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kaoru

Huan - I don't think it is easy for her, and I've been here to support her every step of the way. She is, afterall, still my mother and someone I love unconditionally.

As for the advice, I really appreciate everyone giving me the greatest. My mother is a strong willed person, always has been. The situation just made me feel like maybe this man had broken her.

Her ex knew I didn't want him to see her, and my anger lies moreso in him than in my mother's mistake. Mistakes happen, and I believe that she still has some sort of hope that he will come back to her if she sacrifices for him. I don't pity her, however, because that would just be insulting.

I can learn to forgive, it's just forgetting that gets me. Because there seemed to be no closure...

I'm sure someday I can come to terms, but not without talking to her first. A heart to heart may help. I do need to think on how the conversation would go, because I know it may frustrate her if I bring it up..

We both did wrong by eachother, and I want to fix it somehow, but what's done is done..and there's nothing that can change that. Coming to terms together might help, though.

Thanks, everyone.
 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Discussion >> The Alley >> A situation that still bothers me.... Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors