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Sometimes I just don't understand...
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Sometimes I just don't understand... |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
....how people can be so uncaring. Is it that they don't feel? Does that mean I feel too deeply? Someone said something really cruel to me today at work. And I did nothing. Said nothing. I looked at her as she was walking away and wished I knew the words to say. I'm a writer. Words usually come easily to me. But in my real life, I fail to find the right ones to say. How does one say "I love you" without really saying those 3 words... How does one say "You hurt me" without saying those words and causing someone else to hurt... How does one say "Life is too short, get over whatever it is you're holding onto that makes you a mean person! Why do we tiptoe around these things? Maybe I'm the only one doing the tiptoeing? |
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Masked Intruder
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-05-23
Posts 1231Near golden sunsets |
I just don't know the answer to that one. -*-*- |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Well, even when someone comes by and pees in my Cheerios, I've learned it's far more gratifying to be nice, and to repay their anger with pleasantries. It's fun watching the reaction.  |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Do you know how many times I've been told "Oh Sharon you're just too nice!" What does that mean???? |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
It means they're PARANOID and need desperately to keep on your good side, else, those nefarious things they just know you're planning might well happen to them! [This message has been edited by Alicat (12-18-2003 11:15 PM).] |
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Greeneyes 
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
Sharon, Kill her with kindness.....what ever she said to you, find something good from it....it will make her feel bad, and you will be the nicer person for it....I had that happen to me at work, a real "tough" lady, after she said her peace, I just looked at her and said "you really look pretty today" I had 3 people standing around that heard the whole thing....2 of them came up to me and said I was the "bigger" person for not letting her get to me....in truth, I cry at hallmark ads...(LOL) and crumble from "confrontation" I try to be a "peacemaker" but I have learned through the years in order to "survive those hits" I just killem with kindness....even though Id love to rip them apart for being so nasty....I feel for ya....hugssss I hope tomorrow will be better for you....  and being nice is NEVER a bad thing, it shows the person YOU are! Lauren~ ~~**~~**~~**~~**~~ May the miracle of Christmas touch your life with special blessing H A P P Y H O L I D A Y S [This message has been edited by Greeneyes (12-19-2003 09:19 AM).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
First...Lauren? If I said someone looked pretty 'toady' I'd get knocked on my butt!! LOL I know it was a typo and I know what you meant but it is so funny...I laughed!!! And Laughed...oh my!!! Ali? How well you know me! I was the one who suggested we use spray snow on the supervisors window....didn't do it..I was the one who suggested ExLax in the brownies for the CEO because he allowed a good friend to be fired for no reason...didn't do it...I am the one who wanted to put Fizzies in the fountain..didn't do it...I am the one who suggested we all call in sick from our desk before our boss got to work and then hide when she walked in...now this one we did do...the boss? She wasn't happy....we were hysterical at our prank...but I don't think we'll do it again. Next time, we just won't show up for work!!! (Yep! My idea!) |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Wow this is a hard one for me to address because I try to never let other people's stuff become mine, and put it right back where it belongs. I like to mirror back what people say that hurt my feelings, by asking them if I heard them right, and repeating what they just said to them, and asking if I understood it correctly. Quite often these people reacted without thinking and were not sensitive to my feelings. When I explain they hurt my feelings, there again, they will usually back out of it by saying they didn't mean to. This is when I ask then what did you mean to do or say? As for how do you tell someone you love them without saying, "I love you" - the romantic in me quite often wants to scream those WORDS out, but I catch myself and realize that love is a verb, and you show it as well as say it, so subtle things say it for you like gestures, touch, etc. I agree with others above that the best way to deal with cruel people is to kill them with kindness, and if that doesn't work, I tell them I am sorry they are not the kind of people I wish in my life, so please ignore me and I will ignore you, and I do! Too nice? How can anyone be too nice? Except this guy I knew in Grade 12 that followed me around like a puppy and offered to do all my biddings, who drove me insane. He eventually became the Premier of that province LOL. Okay, the woman that hurt you at work will have forgetten all about it I suspect by now, did you? I have another theory too, I never worry about a thing that I won't be worrying about a year from now, and let it go. If it is not worth holding onto for a whole year it is not worth worrying about, see? It works too! Oh, and I am sorry some jerk was hurtful to you today, this is a very lonely, person I suspect and that was nice of you to let her vent  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
quote: It means you don't get down into the gutter or stoop to their level of meanness. I've been told the same thing. At this age and stage, I leave you one thought. What goes around, comes around. Because don't you know - if it were YOU doing what was being done to you...you'd get caught. It's also called having a conscience. |
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KristieSue
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
it's a dang disease... It's hard being "too nice" sometimes, but in the end, IT PAYS and people really know who they can depend on Do songs on the radio sing to all the fools in love? |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
I have been a people pleaser and caretaker for as far back as I can remember. I am an expert at walking on eggshells. I am trying to stand up for myself nowadays, but still cannot seem to bring forth the hurt and anger that I really feel. I just cannot stand to hurt other's feelings....even if they have hurt mine. When I am hurt now, I say a silent prayer for strength to get passed it, and a prayer for the one who did the deed to realize exactly what they have accomplished by such a cruel act. I guess I don't understand either...lol. Be well. Chris [This message has been edited by Nightshade (12-19-2003 04:58 PM).] |
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Ringo
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Sharon- Is it possible that the person was not really venting on you but rather AT you??? Many times when someone is decidedly cruel, it is because of something taht had happened earlier in the day, or even in the week, and had nothing to do with you at all. You hae been given some great advice here, and to it I would like to ad... ignore it. Don't let the person even begin to think that you were affected. eassier to say than to do for many, I understand. And why is it you don't have those words handy??? Because you are a writer... you take the time to sit at a computer, or a notebook and ensure EVERY word is in the right place that the absolute best word possible. Most people like that just don't nhave the talent for knock-em dead one-liners off the cuff. We are all equal but we’re individually different |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
"Someone said something really cruel to me today at work. And I did nothing. Said nothing. I looked at her as she was walking away and wished I knew the words to say." Yanno, I read this shortly after you posted it and not long after walking out of work, for a similar reason. I understood exactly how you felt, bacause I am much the same. And though I am not fond of introspection, I have spent countless hours thinking about this very thing. Words come easily to me also, even in 'real life'. But when faced with a situation where I am being verbally hurt or humiliated, I choke. And I hate that about myself. I wish I had whatever it takes to return cruel for cruel, but I don't seem to have it. For whatever reason (probably bad karma...lol), I've found myself in recent months spending too much time in the company of people who have a talent and appreciation for this 'verbal warfare'. If there's a consistantly effective way of dealing with it, I haven't found it. Ignore it, placate it, reason with it, listen to it, talk to it, etc...nothing works for long. My direct supervisor at work is (well, was...lol) a perfect example. She is basically a miserable person who gets off on purposely hurting other people. I have watched over the past year as she moved from one employee to the next, sparing her favorites at any given time. I was fortunate enough to spend most of 2003 in her good graces. But of course, it was only a matter of time...  On Thursday, without provocation and for the last time, she began using me as her whippin' post and I suddenly found the only words that were going to change the situation. But I can't say 'em here...  [This message has been edited by Duncan (12-21-2003 03:09 PM).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Duncan can you email them to me???  So did you quit? Walk off the job? Yikes! You're brave! It's nice to know that nice is still 'in'. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Nice is still in, but there are times when it can only go so far before other measures are taken. In the workplace, those measures can cause quite a kink, especially if the nice person so disabused has made themselves relatively indispensable. Sure, if the nice person quits, another body can be hired, but odds are, they won't be replaced. I was the nice one at one job. Kept my cool, always wore a smile on my lips and in my eyes, and gave respect sans conditions. After three months of internal and external crap from patrons and management, especially management, with me nicely covering three departments as a simple, nice employee, this levelheaded, nice, smiling person gathered his coat, hung up his nametag, and walked out during a shift. During the next two weeks, three managers and 12 employees quit, none of whom had even suggested nor shown their disgruntlement. But they saw the nice one leave with something else in his smiling eyes. Sometimes, a catalyst is needed for change. |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
Yep, I quit. Brave? Hardly, but thanks!! It just seemed to me that at least part of the reason she continues to treat people the way she does, is because she gets away with it. No one calls her on it. There are no consequences. Everyone just acts like they're oblivious to what she's doing. And is just grateful when it's not them she's got in her sights...lol. Suddenly I realized that consequences...I could give her. Kinda like Ali said... "In the workplace, those measures can cause quite a kink, especially if the nice person so disabused has made themselves relatively indispensable. Sure, if the nice person quits, another body can be hired, but odds are, they won't be replaced. When I started at this restaurant a year ago, a "busy" day was 20 people for lunch. Private parties were rare and ussually small because the place had a reputation for taking forever just to make a sandwich. And they did no catering. I changed all that very successfully. Their lunch business has increased to the point that both the 'real' chef and I work lunch, because we're the only ones who can handle the volume and the pace. I write and prep the weekly specials, and prepare 90% of the food for private parties and catering. I've not only made my bosses look good to their bosses but I've taken a lot of the workload off them, freeing them up to focus on other things. So, yes...they'll easily find another body. But they will be hard pressed to find someone who can do what I did, as well as I did. Knowing that, made walking out a bit more gratifying... |
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Bec Member
since 2001-02-23
Posts 475Canberra |
Without going into the details, because it wasn't very nice... in fact downright cruel... someone said something to me the other day that I really didn't want to hear. So I ignored it. Not for the "ignore them and they'll go away" reason, but for the "what is retaliating really going to do for me" reason. Sounds dumb, I know, but it's what is working for me at the moment. Good luck. B "I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell"~ Matchbox 20 |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
Some of the most moral people I know are the most inconsiderate people I have ever met. "If this grand panorama before me is what you call God...then God is not dead." |
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Neeraja Senior Member
since 2002-06-22
Posts 812The Netherlands |
Sharon, I also choke when people act that way to me... and sometimes I don't know what makes me feel more mad... the things they say... or my own loss of words... what helps me a little bit is to see the words as a gift... a present... and that gives me the choice to accept it or not... so this is what I do... in my mind I put a label on it: return to sender...  |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
This is an interesting thread and something we can all relate too...Something strange has happened in my life, I'm 43 now and I have gradually evolved from a very messed up teen-20-30 yr old Man into one of the most mentally healthy people I know, mostly from hard work at it. Its strange to be on the other side of the fence. When someone road rages me or says something dumb I am suprised now how easily I shrug it off and just feel kinda sorry for the person. If I think I can help in some way I might try, if not I just move on, just keep truckin down the road. |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
Sharon? How do we say those things? Are there ways to say them? There are plenty of ways to say them, and I believe that the words are there on the tip of our tonuge. I don't think it is a lack of words. I think it is a lack of courage to say what really pops into our minds sometimes. I know exactly what I want to say when someone says something mean or rude to me, but I rarely do. On occasion, when someone is rude to me at work I tell them that I expect a better attitude and communication skill from someone who supposedly calls themselves a professional or an adult for that matter. They never have much to say after that. I have also simply sat down with someone and explained that I didn't appreciate being spoken to that way...that I am not a child and there is no need to treat me like one or act like one themselves. It has worked more often than not. I like the job I have because if we have an issue with someone we CAN sit down with them (with a manager present or not) and discuss it openly and frankly. If they aren't willing (and it is a huge problem)then I get a manger to make them willing. At least they will have heard what I have to say. Anyways.. my answer is the one above..How do we find the words? We already have them. We are just too reluctant or stunned to use them. **hugs** All of my impurities are right here on my sleeve. This is Me"---Faith Hill |
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scorpio Member Ascendant
since 2002-10-02
Posts 5178right...there |
Would you do anything differently if you could Sharon? I think you did the right thing. I'm just sorry someone hurt you...period. believe in what your heart feels... |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
lol just realising that I said that to you... usually (at least how I said it) "you're too nice" is told with kindness... as in, there aren't many other people like you in the world so its good to see... just weird because nice isn't normal anymore, though still good. Of course there are the times it is told to be mean... I don't understand how people can do that. Unless intented as harsh with love... these are the words that build us if we listen. But that someone hurt you? I am sorry... Always, Alyssa He was a man of sorrows |
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