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IcyFlamez89
Member
since 02-14-2003
Posts 300
Jersey City NJ


0 posted 05-08-2003 03:53 PM       View Profile for IcyFlamez89   Email IcyFlamez89   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit IcyFlamez89's Home Page   View IP for IcyFlamez89

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I had to move the computer from my room to my mom. Why? Because of report cards that's why. She said I wasn't improving and my grades are low. Low?! My lowest grade in my card was a 90, and my highest a 95. U think that's low?! Ok, i dropped a few points but im still First Honors and a good valedictorian nominee. And she thought my grades were LOW!!! Aaaarrrggh!!!! After that she gets mad, callin me stupid when the dumb computer kept shutting off by itself and said it wuz my fault da thing went haywire. I'm writin dis frum the school computer so Im kinda in a rush since my time is almost up. I hate the fact that she can't accept anything less than perfect and that her dumb xpectations are too high. Im always the scapegoat here when her dumb tantrums go up. blehh

I am the result of a typical dysfuctional family

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


1 posted 05-08-2003 04:01 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

dysfunctional huh?

hugss
M
I'd be pretty proud of you...
Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 11-18-2002
Posts 7451
the ass-end of space


2 posted 05-08-2003 07:07 PM       View Profile for Aenimal   Email Aenimal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aenimal

dysfunctional family eh? are there any other types? easier said than done but don't let it get to you, if you listen to much you start to believe it and that's where things go sour
Opeth
Member Elite
since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


3 posted 05-09-2003 07:05 AM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

There are 3 sides to every story, and before I jump on the bandwagon and claim "dysfunctional," I would have to hear your mom's side, and then determine what the center is.

Hold your head up.
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


4 posted 05-09-2003 12:32 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

You get A's for writing this under pressure?

quote:
After that she gets mad, callin me stupid when the dumb computer kept shutting off by itself and said it wuz my fault da thing went haywire. I'm writin dis frum the school computer so Im kinda in a rush since my time is almost up. I hate the fact that she can't accept anything less than perfect and that her dumb xpectations are too high. Im always the scapegoat here when her dumb tantrums go up. blehh


You get A's for this being permissable?

This is excellent?
IcyFlamez89
Member
since 02-14-2003
Posts 300
Jersey City NJ


5 posted 05-09-2003 09:52 PM       View Profile for IcyFlamez89   Email IcyFlamez89   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit IcyFlamez89's Home Page   View IP for IcyFlamez89

Ummm...that sig...that wasn't part of the rant, I just found that somewhere online and have used it on all my stuff for the last few months so it's nothing.

And what is that supposed to mean? I didn't a grade for this and yea it sounded like I'm a brat. Still, if she would just stop to look at me and see that I'm not some robot, but an imperfect growing kid, then I she wouldn't be so nervewracking all the time. Do you know how hard it is being forced to follow someone else's footsteps? Being demanded nothing else but the best, and not mine? And how much it hurts to see how all your efforts seem like a waste when you can't reach those staggering expectations? Do you cry in the corner of your room thinking how much you've failed? How all your achievements seem like nothing when your parents never pay attention to them, only looking for mistakes. To live on without hearing a "Good job" or "you worked real hard today"....I'm sorry. If it sounded mean I apologize. I'm not a happy person. I'm not real friendly either. I'm just someone trying to find one why I continue to go on when I have nothing to drive me forward...
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


6 posted 05-09-2003 10:05 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

believe in yourself...get good grades for yourself and be happy that you are  doing your best even if others don't always acknowledge it.
I remember  when I use to get straight A's  in school and one term I got 1 B instead of an A..and my mother said to me..."What happened." Sometimes they get to expect certain things from their children .

When you have to follow 3 other siblings you can never compete. You just have to be yourself and do your best and that is all anyone can do.


I was just teasing about the signature...

Be proud of yourself. Sometimes parents want to live through their kids.

hugs again for being you
M
IcyFlamez89
Member
since 02-14-2003
Posts 300
Jersey City NJ


7 posted 05-09-2003 10:28 PM       View Profile for IcyFlamez89   Email IcyFlamez89   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit IcyFlamez89's Home Page   View IP for IcyFlamez89

...that's my problem. Even I think I'm never good enough and I'm never acknowledged. As for parents trying to live through their kids that isn't it...she's the one I have to follow. Mom was the elementary and high school valedictorian. Recived honorable mentions in college. She joined the Red Cross and charities to help the needy when she was in her teens. Currently in university again to get a Bachelor's in Computer Science. That's a very long shadow ahead of me and it's growing even longer. The effort I put in school and all my other activities aren't for my benefit. I've nothing to gain. I think I just do it so I don't bring shame. Appearance means a lot to mom, and it's taking a big toll on me. I'm losing sleep. I cry for no reason. I put myself down all the time...and she doesn't notice it. No one does. As long as I keep up appearances nothing else matters. Years behind a happy mask, covering the tears. Behind each forced laugh is a subtle sob. I want escape. A little freedom. A life with lower expectation. But really, I think, I just want to be noticed for what I achieved, not what I  failed.

Colors fading, grays rise deep. Only tearful eyes shall grant me sleep. Joy is now a memory, love a fantasy. I sink deeper into a void. But I still have hope. Hope that I will soon fade away and die unknown so I can never be judged again...
 
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