Jersey City NJ
...that's my problem. Even I think I'm never good enough and I'm never acknowledged. As for parents trying to live through their kids that isn't it...she's the one I have to follow. Mom was the elementary and high school valedictorian. Recived honorable mentions in college. She joined the Red Cross and charities to help the needy when she was in her teens. Currently in university again to get a Bachelor's in Computer Science. That's a very long shadow ahead of me and it's growing even longer. The effort I put in school and all my other activities aren't for my benefit. I've nothing to gain. I think I just do it so I don't bring shame. Appearance means a lot to mom, and it's taking a big toll on me. I'm losing sleep. I cry for no reason. I put myself down all the time...and she doesn't notice it. No one does. As long as I keep up appearances nothing else matters. Years behind a happy mask, covering the tears. Behind each forced laugh is a subtle sob. I want escape. A little freedom. A life with lower expectation. But really, I think, I just want to be noticed for what I achieved, not what I failed.
Colors fading, grays rise deep. Only tearful eyes shall grant me sleep. Joy is now a memory, love a fantasy. I sink deeper into a void. But I still have hope. Hope that I will soon fade away and die unknown so I can never be judged again...