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Passions in Poetry

Brainwashing and Divorce

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fractal007
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since 06-01-2000
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0 posted 04-12-2003 02:42 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fractal007

I am curious, how many people here have divorced parents?  I am wondering about what sort of experience the divorce and life after it was for you.  Were you "brainwashed" by one parent into believing the other was always *evil*?  Were you ever involved in battles over child support?  

For me, the experience was not as wrenching during my childhood as its implications are now.  I have little or no trust in my parents, I have a difficult time finding anything redeeming in the institution of family, and I seriously doubt any ability I would have as a future husband or father.

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


1 posted 04-12-2003 06:16 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Hm.

My parents are divorced. But, without going into detail at all, my childhood consisted of a lot more than just a divorce. (Actually, some detail - my parents separated three times before the divorce).

My adult life (I'm 28 now) has consisted of one failed relationship after another, I find it hard to get close to people, and in fact people in general annoy the hell out of me and most of the time I'd rather just be alone. No one to argue with me, annoy me, and that way I can hide and not have anyone in my face.

In public however I am genial, friendly and warm - while often thinking cynical, sometimes bitter thoughts. That said, I've learned not to live in the past per se - it just affects who I am today. To a degree I have not been able to escape yet.

I can't see myself having children although I am told - every time I mention this - that 'when I meet the right one' that will change. Well, I did meet the 'right' one not so long ago, it changed for about three months, he wasn't the right one and now I am back to most definitely not wanting children. I think it was more due to soppy fantasy than any real desire to have kids...

Hey - maybe I'll meet another right one and it'll change again. But, like you, I have little faith in the family institution. I do wonder if I would feel that way if my childhood had been happier...

Interesting question..

K


[This message has been edited by Severn (04-12-2003 06:17 AM).]

Local Rebel
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since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
Southern Abstentia


2 posted 04-12-2003 01:06 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

quote:

My adult life (I'm 28 now) has consisted of one failed relationship after another, I find it hard to get close to people, and in fact people in general annoy the hell out of me and most of the time I'd rather just be alone. No one to argue with me, annoy me, and that way I can hide and not have anyone in my face.




you sound perfectly normal to me severn
Ringo
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since 02-20-2003
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Saluting with misty eyes


3 posted 04-12-2003 02:27 PM       View Profile for Ringo   Email Ringo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ringo

My parents weren't divorced, however, my wife and I are in the process of one. Sometimes it gets messy, most times it's just let's get this over with.
While I cannot speak for her, I do not ever talk badly about her in front of the kids (When they aren't around, however...). I do not think that she does, or if she does it is very infrequently. My daughter still runs up and gives me a hug every time I go to pick her up, and my son and I are closer, and more like friends than ever before (although he still knows that I am in charge).
The point behind my rambling is that EVERY divorce, split, whatever is a completely different set of situations, and is handled slightly different by the different people.
My recommendation to you is to get rid of all the anger and mis-trust. It is doing you and everyone else absolutely no good, and is, in fact, doing you damage.
It's not going to be easy, however the results will be worth all of the effort. I did it for my own reasons, and- although I really wouldn't want to go through the required digging again- I would never change the results, and my being almost completely happy for a million dollar recording contract, a hugely successful world tour, and a 10 million dollar publishing contract.

When the morning cries and you don't know why...

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
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4 posted 04-12-2003 05:14 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Hey Rebel...

~an aura of mystique and a strange silence settle over the room~

Ah, but what is normal?

K
Local Rebel
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since 12-21-1999
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5 posted 04-12-2003 05:49 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

Everything you said Severn...

perfectly normal

everyone thinks a relationship is 'the one' until it's not, everyone faces the struggle of finding a place in the universe, everyone experiences the loss of love, everyone feels alone.

I don't think it is productive though, to think of your relationships as 'failed' -- they have been signposts along the road and should, eventually, serve to point you in the right direction -- if you can look at them and learn what it is that you should be looking for.  
Brad
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since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


6 posted 04-12-2003 05:52 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Well, it sounds normal to me as well. Uh, LR and I maybe aren't the best examples of that though.

I don't know, the only relationship that's ever worked is one in where the feelings were there and I made a conscious decision to make it work and luckily my spouse has done the same thing.

But relationships are hard.

Local Rebel
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7 posted 04-12-2003 06:22 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

dunno Brad...

I'm a perfectly good example...

of what to avoid    
Severn
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since 07-17-99
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8 posted 04-12-2003 06:32 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Oh no - believe me, these were failures...really.

Absolute bloody failures. Let's start with the guy who believed in fairies when I was 18 and move onto the most recent one who believes that sleeping with anyone you want to (while in a 'committed' relationship) is just fine and dandy.

Yup - failures.



Brad - a simple statement, but a true one. I can't argue with that...

K
Local Rebel
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since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
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9 posted 04-12-2003 08:23 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

but you were successful in avoiding spending a lifetime with the 'wrong' person for you...

SUCCESS!!!  
Severn
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since 07-17-99
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10 posted 04-13-2003 01:50 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Yes there is that...there is that...

Still, since I need to right all the time, I will concede your point but stick to my guns that the relationship itself was a ridiculous travesty...

heh

K
Local Rebel
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since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
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11 posted 04-13-2003 02:10 AM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

well there are times when we have to choose whether tis better to be right and alone.. or hold tongue and take out our frustration on our partner through passive agressive methods

success or failure depends on your objectives - if your objective for every relationship is for it to last forever then, of course -- all of your relationships except one will be failures.

if, on the other hand -- you approach it as a phased project -- then each phase can be a success provided it accomplishes its objective --

and.... staying together isn't a definition of success.

but trust me -- you turned out normal
morefiah
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since 03-26-2003
Posts 156
Spanish Town, Jamaica


12 posted 04-14-2003 02:00 PM       View Profile for morefiah   Email morefiah   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for morefiah

My parents separated when I was 9 years old (they were never married)and I did not recover from that until I was about 22. It is a fact that the ones who suffer most are usually the children. I spent my teenage years being angry with the whole world. I went from always being No. 1 in the class to being number 35 (I entered High School at age 10). It was the most difficult time of my life. Period.

SO what did I learn from this? I learned that no matter what happens in your childhood, you have to find your own place in life; that you ALWAYS have to strive to be happy no matter what; that the mistakes of my parents did not have to be repeated by my sister and I; that in the long run, it is possible for you to use the bad experiences as motivation to excel; and finally, that it is possible to have a normal life notwithstanding.

I am married, with two beautiful children and my wife and I have to work hard every day to keep our relationship going. Why is this? As my father used to say (some Jamaican here guys) "community life nuh easy". In plain english, it means that any time you have to co-exist with another human being, it is going to be difficult at times. It is good to note that the closest siblings have squabbles at times. No surprise that married couples have it so hard. Those who have been married for a very long time and who have no intention to separate, will normally tell you how hard it is to just stay together.

Do not give up on hope. Keep doing the thing that we all have to do: Just live. Give yourself a break, and please do not hold on to anger and resentment. That is a sure recipe for disaster.
Irie
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since 12-01-1999
Posts 1526
Washington State


13 posted 04-14-2003 02:13 PM       View Profile for Irie   Email Irie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Irie

I am not a product of divorced parents.

But, some friends of mine are in the middle of divorce and child custody.
Iím am extremely angry with the both of them because of what they are putting their children through. They have even put one of them on the stand.
The only reason either one of them are fighting for custody is to claim "victory" over the other.
And there is A LOT of brainwashing going on. Those poor kids are so confused Ö.
I donít think either parent deserves the right to raise them at this point. They are being used as weapons toward their own parents, by their own parents.
Itís all really very sickening to me. And I am sorry youíve had to endure any of it at all.

How ever, I think that fact that you recognize you views on family and being a parent is extremely important.

(saying this in a friendly way)
You can take those views and do what you wish with them.
One of those things might be working to find the meaning of family and family values.
You never know, your entire outlook could change.

I am rambling Ö. Iím sorry, I hope Iíve made sense with all of this and didnít offend you an anyway.

Good luck to you.

~Sheri

"Don't wait for your ship to come in ...
Swim out to it"

Jason Lyle
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since 02-07-2003
Posts 1519
With my darkling


14 posted 04-14-2003 06:34 PM       View Profile for Jason Lyle   Email Jason Lyle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jason Lyle

My parents split when I was young, and it was nasty.It stayed nasty for many years and I admit, I let it bend me and I was a real pain growing up.Lots of other nasty hard details left unsaid, I guess what I have to add is this.It steeled me, My wife and I have been together for 14 years (since high school).I have 2 wonderful little girls, and looking back is a constant wake up call that my family will not experience anything like that.Past as a constant excuse for misery in the present is eventually a sell out, a giving up of personal power and responsability.What I learned from it was what not to do, how not to live, and how to leave anger where it belongs........behind me (or on these blue pages).
Jason
 
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