Ok a place to vent anonumously. Sweet. I have one big thing right now that needs to come out and my usual phone venter is out of town.
First this is to a girl named Jill. You can see the poem I wrote for her in the Teen section(nudge, nudge) Not great but who cares.
I don't understand you at all. When we first met you and I both agreed we were perfect for each other. We had so much in common it's not funny. We talked that first night on the phone for over 3 hours. 3 hours. Without knowing each other before. We talked about EVERYTHING. You had a great time being with me the next night. You said you loved hanging out with me and you wanted to do it again. We kissed, and not just some childish peck or drunken make-out, but a real kiss, full of emotion. I was so nervous, I hadn't met a girl like you in ages. You were what I wanted, what I thought I needed. You were nervous too. Do you remember how you were shaking when we pulled up to my car. I asked what was wrong and you said you were nervous and scared. I asked why, you said you didn't know but that you knew it was me. I asked if that was bad and you said no. You said it was the good kind of nervousness and you were scared I wouldn't like you. But I did, and I still do.
We talked later and you had already changed. You still liked me alot but you thought we were rushing things, and I agreed. I laid off some and you too. But we still got along so amazingly well. I could talk to you about anything and I did. I told you things I had trouble telling my best friend of 10 years and I didn't worry. I knew you would understand and you did. You told me things you have only talked about to your best friend and I understood. We both agreed we didn't want to jump into a serious relationship but would let things take their time. We talked 2-3 times a week for long periods of time. We got along so well, I still can't express that. You were even the one to say it first. You said we got along so well, you couldn't explain it. You said it was beyond belief. We seemed to be on the right track. Everything was fine.
Then you met him. Todd. How I so hate that name now. I didn't mind much that you went out on a date with him, cuz you were set up to go out with him on a blind date before I ever met you. But, I don't understand what happened next. I mean what the Hell? You said you didn't want to jump into a serious relationship, but you start having him as a B/F less then a week after you told me that. I just don't get it.
I confronted you on the issue soon after that. We talked. You said you couldn't explain why you did it. You said you felt so bad about how you treated me. Your exact words "I don't understand me, I met a guy like you who is perfect for me, and who would care for me so well, and I tell you I want to take it slow so we don't ruin it, but then I go jump into a relationship with him. I stabbed you in the heart and I don't know why." Well, WHY? Figure it out. You did it for a reason. I said I guess I'm just not good enough, or that I did something wrong. You said not to feel that way cuz I did nothing wrong, and that I don't deserve this. You said I was good enough. You said I would make an awesome B/F for you, and that you still liked me more then a friend. What the Hell am I supposed to do now? Sit around and wait? Leave? I mentioned just stopped talking to you and you said I should still talk to you. You said you loved talking to me. You said I'm still the cutie you fell for.* I told you I wouldn't leave, I wouldn't stop talking to you. I told you I didn't know what to do either though. You knew my best friend told me to just leave you and find some other girl and you still asked me to talk to you. You said my best friend was wrong. You said I still have a chance with you. But you expect me to wait? That's not fair. I liked you and I chose you over Laura. Laura, the girl I've written so many poems about, the girl who I cared so much for. The other girl who played me for all I'm worth. She still does, and I let her. And now you expect me to let you play me too. Why should I continue letting people walk all over me? Just cuz I'm the nice guy who won't tell someone off, just cuz I'm the type of guy who lets girls do that. Because I can't stand the thought of hurting you or her by telling you both to get lost like every other sane guy would. Because I have hope. You said I still have hope for us to get together. I wish I DIDN'T. Hope sucks. Hope is just delaying the inevitable. Hope makes the pain continue, far longer then it should. You are already starting to feed me just enough to keep my hope alive, so I don't leave. Laura does it already. I hate hope. Let it die for all I care. Maybe then I could get on with my life.
You chose him over me and you don't know why or you won't say. You said you have never lied to me and I believe you. So just figure out why you chose him and tell me. Cuz right now the only way I can take it, is that I'm not good enough, though you say I am. That I'm not cute enough, though you say I am. That we don't get along well enough, though you say we do. That I failed you, and you say I didn't. You tell me one thing and then do the exact opposite. If I would be such a great B/F for you then why are you with him? If you loved talking to me so much, why have you not called me in a week? I haven't called you either, but that's cuz I don't want to pressure you. If I'm so wonderful, then why do you make me feel so worthless?
I don't feel any better, but I had to put this in writing and my journal is so hard to write in anymore. I must be doing something wrong with girls cuz somethng like this has happened before and it took me over a year to finally lose hope and just quit talking to Steph. Then she goes and calls me 4 months after that and I fell right back into her trap. I guess I'm just a sap. I'm so gullible. I fall so easily. I wish I could just be an ass once in awhile, like everyone else.
*(Not to sound conceted, but I guess I am one of the so called "lucky" ones. Being cute is not all that it's cracked up to be. I guess I'm one of the first to complain about thinking themselves attractive and not vice versa. You are held to a higher standard then everyone else. Everyone expects you to do everything perfectly. Girls always think your a player. ALWAYS. Some don't even take the chance to get to know you since they think you will just hurt them. Yes, it's a bad example but it has happened to me.)
There are no great men, only men in great circumstances.
[This message has been edited by aaron woodside (12-24-2002 04:51 AM).]