Member Rara Avis
I don't like talking about my personal life much on here - the past that is, or even the present. But here's a little of it that might give you hope for yourself, your life, your inner-self that feels trapped and uncertain - facing a world that seems so much bigger, and awful, than yourself.
I grew up hearing my father tell me daily that I would amount to nothing. Calling me all kinds of names I can't repeat here. Abusing my sick mother and myself...till I felt worthless and the only thing I could do was write, write, write and escape out into the fields and trees that I was lucky enough to be surrounded by. At 16 I had had enough though, and I left home. I went from a country village of 400 people to a city of one million+ people. Stranded in the middle of it - in a house with some distant family friend where I slept on a mattress and wondered what the hell I was doing, where I was going and if life was worth living. The family friend left a bunch of teens - the youngest 14, alone for weeks on end. We didn't know how to feed ourselves properly, we did nothing all day but watch tv, fight and run riot through the city streets at night. I remember bawling my eyes out on my 17th birthday - because no one cared to remember it. I wanted to die, I wanted to escape and just stop being. And there have been other moments in life where I wanted to do the same.
Somehow I just kept going, surviving. I still survive today, 9 years later - haven't quite reached the point where I can say I'm ~living~ You know what though? I'm currently in my fourth year of university, doing an honours degree...I have a few amazing friends who are the lifeline of my life. And I've found a love I never thought I would (though that has it's own attendant difficulties). It took years to get to this point, years. But I have.
The fact is - if I could do it, so can you. It IS possible to face change and face it on your own. You can do it. YOU are bigger than your damned fear, if you tell yourself that. Don't give up, don't. Take one moment to sit somewhere in sunshine and exist only in that moment - and keep existing in the moment for awhile, one day at a time.
It's a good mantra - one day at a time, one that I survived on for a long time and still do when I need to.
Email me if you want - there's a lot I left unsaid here that I'd be willing to share.
Tight hugs, I know you need them
[This message has been edited by Severn (09-01-2002 07:29 PM).]