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Sitting Awake
| Open Poetry #19 |
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Sitting Awake |
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beowulf_26 Member
since 1999-06-29
Posts 183
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Sitting awake in the middle of the night, I play the words I'd say to you, over across my mind. When graced by your presence I become a bumbling fool who doubts every word he says. Hoping to fashion some witty phrase, Instead, I only succeed in tripping on my tongue. Near you, I've shown a remarkable talent for speaking of everything that had nothing to do with what I truly thought. Unrequited love sucks. [This message has been edited by beowulf_26 (03-12-2002 11:30 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 beowulf_26 - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  (sigh) Wow, this is very emotionally powerful, sweet friend, I too think weall have these feelings, but just like this, sometimes the best sayings come out accidentley when we least expect it! (big hugggsssss) We all love you so much, sweet friend, this is excellent! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Torger, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Oh the last line. Excellent! I love it! The last line was pure genious in my opinion! I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Beowulf: First things first... I LOVE your critique message.  It's a cute poem. I got a chuckle out of it, I can tell that it's got sort of a comic tone to it. But your signature suggests it might actually be of a real situation, hm? Well, farbeit for me to delve into your personal life. I'll just offer a bit of response to/feedback on your poem. I think it's great how you kept it brief... and the stanzas were irregular in comparison to one another. A creative, casual format that goes very well with the tone intended. There's no strict rhyme or meter here, and no overly-obscure metaphors to cloud the simple concept. This was the best choice you could make, really... just a relaxed, format-indifferent attitude. Just after the very beginning of the poem, I was expecting the rest of the poem to be a bit less comic than it turned out to be. You describe the scene of you, sitting alone at midnight, thinking of things that you would say. This is one of those classic sleepless would-be-lover scenes that tend to start out the typical emotional/vent poem. If you got venting value out of this poem then hey, power to ya.  As you lead into the second stanza I started seeing where you were going with the whole thing... you use a few effective (although typical) words here to demonstrate clumsiness. In a more serious poem I'd have suggested you mix up the vocab a bit more, but it fits the style here. Now the last two lines were what hit me... sort of like an "o~h okay..." A nice conclusion to the write... and I think it's quite clever how you mentioned your folly was a "remarkable talent." Just keen. One simple critique... I'd change the last lines to... "Near you, I've shown the remarkable talent of speaking of everything that had nothing to do with what I truly thought. But hey, that's just me. Take it or leave it, it's all up to you. You've got a nice write here. It was even the tiniest bit misleading at the beginning, which was fun... if you wanted a fun project, you could extend the introduction to the poem a bit more to add the seriousness effect at the beginning, and set the reader up for the twist that seems to gradually occur (or rather, that would gradually occur in an extended version). Thanks for the read, Beowulf. I hope I get the chance to reply you again sometime. ~Allan All images begin in mirrors and end inside our subconsious. ~Genesis P-Orridge, "Thee Reversal of Fate" [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (03-13-2002 01:59 AM).] |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
Excellent! And if anyone tells you it gets easier with age...they are lying!! |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
such a clever write! i loved the ending the most...you really had me fooled into thinking it would be a much more serious poem. This was just an awesome poem! And yes my friend unrequited love does suck... hang in there! and take care. amy "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't |
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His Poet Senior Member
since 2001-12-18
Posts 750 |
Beowulf, Great write just as all the others have stated. Such truth written and I'll bet you didn't even get tongue tied while writing. Very enjoyable. Cheryl |
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