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Open Poetry #19
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Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704


0 posted 2002-03-02 07:08 AM


Someone asked me if I was ok
‘no, I feel like I’ve been run over by a train’
I laughed quietly
underneath myself, underneath
the various ochres

it’s a minefield out there
and that sounds philosophical
allowing for detonations and
hesitant steppings

      *

I once saw a sunset – crimson
spread out over a long cloud in
a slow painting, ethereal

eventually it blended away
into a dark summer sky

way out there, beyond the silence
peace is captured in revolutions
there’s no frenzy

unless the star’s vigil counts


~All my life I've been crazy
I may hold the answer a 1000 times through
it's my law~
A.M

© Copyright 2002 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2002-03-02 08:27 AM



This spun me around! No ripping here...I Liked the surprise ending!

Martie
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Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
2 posted 2002-03-02 10:39 AM


Kamla

Peace is fleeting
found in an instant
when eyelash meets the cheek

You have seen through the emotion into the words that tell it.  Yes, I think you are alright! Hugs!

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
3 posted 2002-03-02 10:44 AM


Severn,
Well done, Your writing is a delight. Sad, mad or glad.

Kelley_Edwards
Junior Member
since 2001-10-16
Posts 21
USA
4 posted 2002-03-02 10:54 AM


I enjoyed the stark honesty in this...well done.
nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
5 posted 2002-03-02 12:09 PM


You have a style all your own..love  the

crimson sunset...
M

"Love is not blind - It sees more and not less, but because it sees more, it is willing to see less."
(Will Moss)

Mistletoe Angel
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Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
6 posted 2002-03-02 12:14 PM




BRAVO!!! Ooohhhhhhh...I just love how your writing always has such sincerity and a wide range of emotions, sweet friend, this is excellent! (kiss on cheek) May you forever find that sun shine in your skies and radiate with the warm promise of peace, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Kamla, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

emily
Member
since 2000-10-03
Posts 142
USA
7 posted 2002-03-02 06:35 PM


it sounds like a good place to go....very peaceful...thank you for writing this, it is comforting...to think of.

Emily


Keith Morgan
Member
since 2001-10-29
Posts 114
Md
8 posted 2002-03-02 06:40 PM


very interesting read, dark in its realistic message.  But I see the light in its honesty and truth.  Thanks for sharing.

Write from the soul and the words will flow

Sven
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Member Laureate
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA
9 posted 2002-03-02 07:16 PM


I've found much here. . . among the ochres. . .

I'm wondering what lies in that silence. . . could there be. . . answers. . . that's what this makes me wonder. . .

--------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

ecrivan
Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923
my own state
10 posted 2002-03-02 07:52 PM


the ending is surprising but good
jwesley
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563
Spring, Texas
11 posted 2002-03-02 08:41 PM


Wow...nothing short of fantastic!  I want to grow up and write just like this! Deep bow to you, my friend.

jwesley

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

12 posted 2002-03-03 05:33 AM


way out there, beyond the silence
peace is captured in revolutions
there’s no frenzy

unless the star’s vigil counts


ahhh what lays beyond the silence? Hmmm good question K ..... 'Departure?' perhaps.

enjoyed dear

Maree

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
13 posted 2002-03-03 09:27 AM


It all counts... and you're great... I know it... Nicely done, m'friend...

strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

14 posted 2002-03-03 09:29 AM


This calmed me so much, great poem. floria

Floria

"Alas for those that never sing,
But die with all their music in them"
(Oliver Wendell Holmes)

vandana
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Member Patricius
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463
USA
15 posted 2002-03-03 10:23 AM


enjoyed
Magnus
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South Carolina, USA
16 posted 2002-03-03 11:15 AM


This is beautiful...every word of it..
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
17 posted 2002-03-03 06:06 PM


my god K - what an amazing poem, the glue of it's literary bindings stuck to me like flies to fly-paper and wouldn't come loose! my sweet friend, you have such a sweet heart, that you for sharing this sweet, marvelous example of ... uhmm... mental wanderings? some interesting images & ideas here, though they hardly seem fluidly bound together now do they? lol - 'course if you thought like that everyone would understand you...

it’s a minefield out there
and that sounds philosophical
allowing for detonations and
hesitant steppings


perfect imagery for some situations i can think of (whetehr or not they were the basis for this analogy). i REALLY liked this part.

tres hugZ

C

(your turn M... what's next?)

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
18 posted 2002-03-03 06:53 PM


While everyone will be able to take something different from most every poem they read, the structure of this one seems to encourage us to harvest meaning from the gardens of our own lives. For me this poem is a near metaphor for life itself. From the complexity of personality and the uncertainty of the directions life takes us to the way what is important and beautiful to us now can fade away and be overtaken simply by living day to day.

...and just when we think we have it figured out-- we contradict ourselves.

...at least that is how what I took from it.

Really great poem K.
Both friglog and satpsych

J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

RMW
Senior Member
since 2001-03-21
Posts 1424

19 posted 2002-03-04 10:44 AM


Severn....I always read you closely. I think that someday you may re-write this one. You will pick it up, read the first line and remember the feeling, the mood that was upon you at the time; you may then glance down to the ending, and you'll like those words too, though wondering if the phrase about feeling as though you've been run over by a train serves to adequately convey you, and the reader there. Why not forego the train and the minefield verse? Allow your ochre reference to transition you to the sunset......thence into night / space / stars, etc. Just a thought. I really like the deflation in the following:

"Someone asked me if I was okay.
I laughed quietly....." An excellent beginning. Thanks for sharing. Bob

Nicole
Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835
Florida
20 posted 2002-03-04 12:18 PM


Ah, I miss this - for the first time in ages, I can finally come back here and I find one of your poems.  Love your talent, your writing style has always been so unique. Really really nice to read you again!

Nic

p.s. Happy belated birthday!  

suthern
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Member Seraphic
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723
Louisiana
21 posted 2002-03-04 01:09 PM


it’s a minefield out there
and that sounds philosophical
allowing for detonations and
hesitant steppings

      *

I once saw a sunset – crimson
spread out over a long cloud in
a slow painting, ethereal

I really like the mood shift between these verses... as well as the excellent descriptiveness of each. *S* Excellent work!

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
22 posted 2002-03-04 05:34 PM


I failed to mention-- Love the use of ochres, who else except K  would ever think to use it in a poem?

hugs,

J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

Elizabeth Cor
Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879
Over the river and through the woods
23 posted 2002-03-04 09:34 PM


At first, it seemed almost silly to comment... having been there, having had it peeled like an orange for me, and drank the juice, though blindfolded... and now, taking each pig-tail sliver, and rubbing my dirty thumb against the tiny convexities... I am to describe back... here, out of what you have grown (and that is a nearly-perfect word for you, K, because it implies you are the gardener and not the seed... which is how you have always seen it... the one with produce in bushels, simply selling the goods; a spirit there to pluck the fruit, but not the broadening tree, the source) ... helen-keller-encumbered... can explain the taste of it, the skin crimped in my palm... but you can see that it is orange, know how many days it took to ripen, what month it was planted, the hours watered, how each of its sisters look in the moonlight: still and round as moons themselves. Know the voice of wind in the leaves of its mother... and yet, I? I am to tell _you_... here, this is what you wrote, what it means to me...what I see. You, I guess. Some shadow that winds in around my heart like smoke on a circle track... can smirk at the train, and smile at your ochres... I wonder about the star most of all, and what that means... if its eyes are the cloudy ambiguous stares of heaven, or a more directed representation... something far, and cold, and inescapable (who can hide from the sky, after all?) ... that drives its vision straight through your soul.

It reminds me of ‘unpoetic’, & I’d think that even without your own suggestion... I like it, I think, because it’s brutal, it’s honest, and it’s deep, but not in an obvious way, not to anyone but you, I’m sure... because it feels empty, yet it isn’t... and it reminds me of this solid, strong thing that is so sure of itself on the outside, then internally its mind might as well be clouds and space, for all the directions... and for that yawning feeling at the moment, between being very small and alone in the world, and very lost, and looking out and seeing all the chasms and their opportunities the joy and the terrific fear in that... how you can be sitting on a hill watching this gorgeous sunset and anyone around you might look and grin and think, simply, “Oh there’s a lovely lass enjoying the sunset.” When in truth everything inside is this insane mess, oh but that’s not really it, and there’s a point but it’s not mine to make... ahh, well, I was never one to presume I could grow ANYthing... but here’s to you, K, and your green thumbs, and the clouds...and their chaos, black and bleak and screaming...and a toast to one day finding peace whether it’s where it’s suppose to be or not...

Love,~m

p.s. the minefield stanza ... I like that one, K, lots...

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (03-04-2002 09:54 PM).]

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
24 posted 2002-03-05 08:24 AM


I suddenly feel ashamed of my meager reply

J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
25 posted 2002-03-05 11:53 PM


K-- In case I dont see you--

frenzy/vigil was meant to be kind of pardoxical wasn't it?

just curious as usual.

J

There is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar.
byron

peaches73533
Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981
OK, USA
26 posted 2002-03-06 01:33 AM


Dark and sad but full of life.Your views are interesting to read.Great job.
peaches

Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada
27 posted 2002-03-06 01:42 AM


Such is the ever-changing expectations of life, and our constant quest to understand it all and find peace within it.  I loved the ending Kamla, but I took it as a person's personal peace could be interrupted by the thought of the heaven's stars watching for any impending danger (but then I have been looking at the sky since Sept. 11th, in a whole new way).  In any event, I loved this and miss seeing your postings.

~* Without deep reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people ." *~

Einstein

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

28 posted 2002-03-06 04:55 AM


Hey everyone...found some time to do personalised replies lol...

Kari - hey you... how are you? (I haven't forgotten about Soddie..just thought I'd mention that...) You know, I like it when you rip - your rippings are always interesting..and insightful.

Anywho, I must confess - the ending is not supposed to be a surprise...it was for me, at the time, a deep reflection. The whole thing basically says - life is a mess. That's it really. How up is down, how life isn't black and white, how things that seem to be actually aren't. Like the stars at peace. In their own reality - they have their frenzy. To US they are at peace...sure. Oh Lord, Kari - you made me ramble...heh. If anyone has questions about this I can now say 're my reply to Kari's reply' lol...

Martie - you are my poetic counterpart lady...peace is fleeting - never a state of mind, as your little verse points out (thank you)...well, at least I don't think so...hugs, love ya.

Sy - hey you...! Thanks for replying...mad sad and glad..yeah there's been a few of each of those over the years huh?

Kelley - thanks and welcome...sometimes it's hard to get honesty portrayed accurately (in the mind of the writer at least) without the images interfering..I appreciate your comment...

Nakd - this is based on a real sunset actually, that I saw around 6 years ago. The most amazing I've ever seen...the cloud was like a knife - pointing out into the sky, and the colour just flowed over it from one end to the other. An almost spiritual experience..watching it...thanks hon..

Noah. Thanks. re: my reply to Kari's reply.

Emily - to me, it isn't comforting, but I am so glad that someone has received comfort out of it. I always love that different people can get different things out of my poetry. Thank you so much!

Keith - thank you...light and dark in one poem works for me...

Sven - well I sure hope to find some answers one day...don't we all? Thanks you..

ecrivan - see my reply to Sunshine's reply And thank you for reading...appreciated..

jwesley - lol...thanks, that's quite a compliment...~blush~

Mmy - the question is, departure from what hon? And every departure winds up at something new...hugs AoL...I miss you...

Nan - you're one of my cornerstones...love ya...thanks for dropping in..

strbbux - I love how a poem that is actually all about inner turmoil can read so calming...thank you

vandana - hey van, nice to see you in the forums again...thanks for reading..

Magnus - thank you, that's sincerely appreciated..

Chris - and your oh-so frequent sarcasm is absolutely appreciated lol. Not that it would do any good...sigh..oh well...and of course they're not fluidly bound - if they were the whole point of the poem would be negated...and you know what we've said of understanding..

that particular situation - in part the basis for the analogy yes...but other things as well...

hugS

J - and how you can be relied upon...lol...' overtaken simply by living day to day.' You got it...that's our minefield right there - living day to day..and yes, it was paradoxical hon...from our point of view of the stars at least...hugs dear...thanks for the friglog and satpsych...

RMW - 'Why not forego the train and the minefield verse?' Because they are the essence of the poem... And I don't think i will rewrite it..in fact, it'll probably be one of those that I reread in a year and scratch my head over...lol...but it will stay unchanged most likely...I really appreciate your comments though...don't mistake my refusal to consider your suggestions as possibilities as a blind holding-my-poem together mindset, it's just this particular poem...it just must be as it is...

Nic - hey girl! Wow..been a long time...write me and tell me how you are? HUGS..thanks for reading...

Suthern - hi...good to see you...thanks...I wasn't sure if the descriptiveness was too short actually...you eased my mind lol...

M: Geez woman..thanks for the novel...(tears etc)...seriously though...never silly to comment (though this far surpasses commenting...)

gardner eh...I think I must love getting my hands dirty...

'if its eyes are the cloudy ambiguous stares of heaven, or a more directed representation' - the stares of heaven hon...only the stairs of heaven in this case..

'and it’s deep, but not in an obvious way, not to anyone but you, I’m sure... because it feels empty, yet it isn’t'

precisely - you have it in one..hard to be deep in a few lines really - but this had the weight of all my thoughts in it..

'and a toast to one day finding peace whether it’s where it’s suppose to be or not...'

join me in that hope, my dear friend...

HUGS for M...

peaches...thank you...I always think that where there is sadness, there's always room to move on...smiles..

Mysteria - I like the sound of your perspective, though it isn't what I saw. But as I said - I do love reading what other people find in my poetry...I saw the stars as impartial I think...thank you for your reply...hugs...

thanks again everyone...

K




Drake
New Member
since 2001-02-05
Posts 7

29 posted 2002-03-06 05:18 AM


Hi there Kams,
a beautiful and wonderful poem from an equally wonderful person. It's a pleasure to watch your poems evolve from day to day, I just hope that the events in your life unfold in a similarly enlightening manner. This poem has a deep beauty to it, both in the images it evokes, "dark summer skies" and also in the aesthetic quality to the lanuage. Great last line. Some of it I admit I was unsure about, but when a english grad says that you know you're onto something good.
Keep up the good work!!!

B/B+ (75 percent)

[This message has been edited by Drake (03-06-2002 05:22 AM).]

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

30 posted 2002-03-06 05:26 AM


Cammy - You leave the mustard out of this! B/B+???? And that's your definition of pay back????

tomorrow..I might squish you my friend...

(hugs...nice of you to come read my peam...I'll er...pay you tomorrow - what was it? $50, or $80? I can't remember...SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

K

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