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A Summer Night ( Villanelle)
| Open Poetry #19 |
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A Summer Night ( Villanelle) |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859
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A Summer Night(villanelle) The quiet beauty of a summer night. I am left breathless with deep desire. My inner soul does now ignite. A Shakespearean verse you recite. My soul does catch on fire. The quiet beauty of a summer night. As saphire stars are sparkling bright, With soft words you inspire. My inner soul does now ignite. I am filled with pure delight. As such wonder I admire. The quiet beauty of a summer night. As the moon shines so bright. To be only with you, I do aspire. My inner soul does now ignite. As a princess clings to her Knight. A faithful love I do require. The quiet beauty of a summer night. My inner soul does now ignite. Floria Kelderhouse © 2002 |
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| © Copyright 2002 Floria Kelderhouse - All Rights Reserved | |||
Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Floria, I am not totally familiar with a Villanelle...but I do know that you have written a beautiful poem..this is one.. |
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Silver Streak Member Elite
since 2002-01-02
Posts 3625FL, USA |
Floria, you have won my heart with this one. All I can say is: My darling you have penned a villanelle 'Tis wonderful in ev'ry way I read A fine poet you are to write this well A lovely verse, at first I could not tell Such magic in your fingers as I feed My darling you have penned a villanelle And now I ask you, how you pen so swell In words so beautiful my love you lead A fine poet you are to write this well As I savor ev'ry word, others tell I am at here your beck and call indeed My darling you have penned a villanelle A wonderful poem; and now I will tell I'm in your heart a slave of words you feed A fine poet you are to write this well. So let me feast away and send my soul to hell For drinking in this wonder brew, indeed My darling you have penned a villanelle A fine poet you are to write this well. I love you, floria, ((floria)) -newell Sharing God's Love through perfectlovepoetry.com |
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RosePetal
since 2001-08-26
Posts 2985South Florida |
Wow! You've done a great Villanelle! I tried once but I never finished mine  Btw...I like your new pic! Joanna |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
strbbux - excellent, excellent, excellent, I just love a soft summer night with someone special... BC |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
whoops, an error made, sorry.... [This message has been edited by Bill Charles (02-26-2002 09:28 PM).] |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Floria, this is truly lovely. I don't even have a clue as to how to do one of these! Love the new pic as well! ~Hugs, Nancy~ ~Time has cast a spell on you, |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 YAY!!! OH MY GOSH, THIS IS SOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL, I LOVE IT!!! (kiss on cheek) May you forever hold your knight close and share a lifetime of happiness, sweet friend, this is breathtaking! I love your new picture too! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Floria, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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BluesSerenade Member Patricius
since 2001-10-23
Posts 10549By the Seaside |
Ignite is a good word~~ Like striking a match~~ Nice one Strbbux and I like your new picture. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
very lovely both villanelle and your picture..*s Maureen |
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Ivy Rose Senior Member
since 2001-12-29
Posts 1300MA, USA |
Floria...A beautifully written villanelle. Reminds me of Shakesphere's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." It has that classical beauty and other-world quality to it. ***Ivy Rose |
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
Floria, your pen is enjoying itself...write on... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Perfect down to the last detail, Floria  |
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Zinsser Senior Member
since 2001-02-27
Posts 1641Calif. |
As a princess clings to her Knight. A faithful love I do require. The quiet beauty of a summer night. My inner soul does now ignite. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ breathtaking..... Connie |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
Wonderfully done.I've enjoyed many a summer night, but it's even beter with the one you love. Peaches |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
sorry for the delay in responding, my grandchild is sick with flu, and I care for him so I have my hands full..love you all. floria Magnus, thank you so much for your kind reply.floria Newell, You just blew me away with this, It is totally beautiful and you have a kind loving heart. Thank you so very much for penning this for me. love back to you.floria Joanna, thank you so much, I always appreciate hearing from you. floria Bill, somehow I knew you would like this, a bit on the romantic side, as you always write of. thank you, floria Floria |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Nancy, thank you so very much, they are really easy I think.. and thanks for sending me that email, I have signed up. love, floria Noah, there you are again with all your beautiful words that I never tire of hearing. love, floria Blues, thank you dear so much for your kindness. floria Nakd, thank you so very much, I appreciate your words always, floria Floria |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Ivy Rose, my you do flatter me, that is a favorite of mine, thank you much. floria Deca, nice way of putting it, LOL thanks much. floria Baladeer, from one whos pen puts out magnificent work I thank you. floria Connie, I am so happy you enjoyed it, thanks for stopping by. floria Floria |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Peaches, I do thank you so very much. floria Floria |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
You have done a magnificent job with this one, Floria. I have tried to write Villanelles and I always give up because I have trouble with the repitition....always put it in the wrong lines...etc. But you have done this very beautifully. And! I love your new photo.  copyright2002 Lyra Nesius |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Thank you lyra, I really appreciate your words, and yes that is me au natural, the other one was too made up, I dont even wear makeup most of the time. hate it. floria Floria |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Dear floria, I love villanelles. Thank you. Nan |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
I noticed you say in your reply to my last poem that you have been writing villanelle a lot lately. Well, it's one of my favourite formats, so I couldn't help myself... I had to look you up and read something from you. I hope you don't mind.  Before I say anything, I have to mention something... while you did the format correctly in terms of line organization, there's a simple (perhaps generally unknown? I'm not sure) rule for writing villanelles... that they must be written in iambic meter of some sort. Now, I'm all for modification of formats for the better of them, but villanelles have a certain flow when they have a good iambic pentameter or tetrameter to accompany them... just a great-feeling flow that reads through beautifully. You might want to try it sometime. I won't let it take anything away from the quality of your work here, I just thought I'd mention it. If you're unfamiliar with the concept of meter, here's a good resource. It really wouldn't be difficult to meter-ize this poem as it is... you'll probably want to go with an iambic tetrameter scheme for this particular one. But pentameter might come into play if you want to preserve some of the longer lines. Whichever floats your boat. Now again about your villanelle... you chose some marvelously challenging rhymes to work with. That I admire in villanelle. Both of your rhymes were restricting and kept you trying to word things just correctly so that the words all fell into place. And it doesn't even seem like any words were crammed in as a last-ditch-effort. This is sometimes difficult to do, but you obviously have a good knack for it, looking at your success here. Alright, onward with the poem... I'll do it stanza-by-stanza, it's easiest to follow that way. The first tercet begins with a line that is iambic pentameter... the second is almost, the last is not. Haha... I have to admit reading through this, I looked back over to make sure I didn't miss any words. I promise this is the last time I'll mention meter, really! I think that your choice of repeated lines was rather well-done. You chose to repeat two things that hit the different focuses of the poem: the first, about a summer night; and the second, about the affect that it has on your inner soul. I'd expect that the rest of the poem basically surround these two concepts, as that is usually the best idea for a villanelle. I like to imagine it as a helix, like DNA, with two main strands interlocking as it makes its way down, and connecting in the end (which DNA doesn't do, but hey, work with me). I like the reference to W.S. in the second tercet. It's nice for a reader to think of other things that they've enjoyed in the past... (psychologically, it puts them in a state of mind to enjoy your poetry... so it's almost a nasty little mind-control technique...  ). The second line of this tercet, however, uses the word "soul" again when it is already used in a repeated line in the poem. What you'll want to do is avoid re-using words from the repeated lines, just to aid them in not growing tired as the verse goes on. There's good imagery and alliteration (a great dynamic duo, at any time) present in the first line of the third tercet. You have some good imagery all throughout the poem. One thing I have to observe is your re-use of the word "bright" in a later tercet, however... maybe you should change one of these words? Just to keep it from looking overused? (maybe "slight" in the "s"-dominant line, to expand the alliteration a bit) The next tercet is simple... there's nothing to critique. This isn't a bad thing, every poem needs some meat to it like that (especially villanelles, where you require a certain amount of stanzas). If you wanted to go back and reword it... you could probably add another thought into another line of it. "I am filled with pure delight as such wonder I admire" could probably be put into a single line, and another line to take the admiration feeling yet further. At least, in my opinion, it's best to keep all (if possible) of the parts in a villanelle of significant meaning/purpose. Not to say that this line doesn't fit into the poem... not in the least... I just think that there's room for more thought in that particular part. The final tercet... hmm... it holds a good conclusive thought to the addressive portion of the poem. I wouldn't change much about it, unless of course you were going to try and meter-ize the poem.  And the last stanza... the quatrain... it does present an excellent conclusion to the poem as a whole. I don't think "as" is a great word for beginning the first line, though. You might want to reword some of this quatrain, just to make it sound better as a whole. I definitely think you should work to make more (not all, absolutely not all, but more) of your lines independent of the adjacent ones. The "as" thing applies in a few other places, too... you should be careful how often you start a line with a favourite word. In meter, it's almost inevitable to do this, I understand... but sometimes if you just flip a line around, back to front, it can fix everything (obviously not in villanelles, because rhyme is so important). All-in-all, I did think that this was a rather impressive villanelle. Your structure, or what you knew of it, was followed through quite gracefully. The rhyme, once again, is creative and challenging. The poem's theme isn't lost on me, either... it's a basic love (seranade? maybe) poem. I did like the intertwining effect that the format gave to the two concepts of love and the summer night. You chose your format very wisely. I do hope to read from you again sometime, in the future. ~Allan All images begin in mirrors and end inside our subconsious. ~Genesis P-Orridge, "Thee Reversal of Fate" [This message has been edited by Allan Riverwood (03-15-2002 02:27 AM).] |
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The Lonely Stranger Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 361Upstate, NY, USA |
I have to chime in (late though I may be) with kudos. VERY well done. No one ever listened themselves into trouble. [This message has been edited by The Lonely Stranger (03-15-2002 02:43 AM).] |
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angel girl Member
since 1999-07-23
Posts 322within a whisper... |
This was so sweet. *sighs and smiles* Thanks for sharing. |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Allan, I am speecheless. What can I say? Thank you so very much for the critique and lesson learned on this one. In wanting to grow and learn and write better this is most happily accepted. I see you put a lot of time into it, and how many poets will do that. My friend, you sound very much more learned in poetry than I, but it is never too late to learn. I have a definite problem with meter, I have tons of books here that I am reading as time allows( having some problems now so don't have terribly much time for writing and learning) but oh, the day (soon I hope) that I can sit and devote an entire day to reading and writing, this will be the one I do, and when I finish, I will send it to you. Oh yes, my use of "as" is a habit, and the word repetition that does not help the poem also is a bad habit that I dont notice and must break. My most heartfelt thanks to you Allan, truly I am thankful. floria Floria |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Lonely stranger thank you much. floria Angel girl thanks for your reply. floria Floria |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Floria, I happen to love Villanelle and enjoyed yours very much. Although I agree with Alan on meter, this was great. |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Wow I wrote a long reply of gratitude to allen on this earlier and it hasnt showed up. I will wait a while longer before reposting my reply...floria Floria |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
This is a lovely villanelle! You developed your theme very well. I'm not brave enought to attempt to write one so I applaud your efforts! That was an excellent critique from Allan, in fact, it's helped me a bit too. Also, Balladeer is a meter master as well so I'm sure that he can give some pointers too! But, truly this was close to perfection Take care, Melissa~ "Poetry is not an opinion expressed... |
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