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Do you ever?
| Open Poetry #19 |
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Do you ever? |
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Hallucination Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419 |
Hi everyone... I'm trying to hit a popballad, (a boyband kind of thing)something in the same field as "Westlife-Backstreet boys-Nsync". So please critique...Thanks! Best Wishes, Brian. Do you ever? © 2002 Brian Eggertsen, All Rights Reserved V1: The distand between us Was growing far too wide, Didn't want to let go But we knew it was time. Now I sit by myself Feeling lost, feeling cold, I sit all alone with Just memories to hold. C: Now do you ever sit Alone in the dark, Losing pieces and bits Of your broken heart? And do you ever walk Around feeling blue, Wishing that we had talked About me and you? Do you ever? Do you ever? Do you ever? Do you ever? 'Cause I do... V2: Whenever I see you I'm drowning in heartaches, And I cry in silence 'Cause I miss your embrace. The way I held you close And said that I love you, Now everything is gone Even the love so true. C: Now do you ever sit Alone in the dark, Losing pieces and bits Of your broken heart? And do you ever walk Around feeling blue, Wishing that we had talked About me and you? Do you ever? Do you ever? Do you ever? Do you ever? 'Cause I do... B: Will I ever breathe your love again? Will it ever stop hurting inside? And will these nightmares ever end? Will I wake up if I close my eyes?.. C: Now do you ever sit Alone in the dark, Losing pieces and bits Of your broken heart? And do you ever walk Around feeling blue, Wishing that we had talked About me and you? Do you ever? Do you ever? Do you ever? Do you ever? 'Cause I do... [This message has been edited by Hallucination (02-24-2002 03:40 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Brian Eggertsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Hallucination, it must be the day for songs. I liked the rhythm and flow of it I think it would make a good boyband song. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Good start! Like Kethry, this had a good flow and I think would fit into the beat of an InSync group... One suggestion. Watch your spelling. For example did you mean this? quote:or this? "The distance between us". I know, I know, one of those motherly nit-pick things, but just the very thing that would get it thrown out because the reader would thing the writer didn't care... good luck with this! Let us know if you end up submitting it, OK? |
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peaches73533 Senior Member
since 2001-11-04
Posts 981OK, USA |
Brian, I listen to all the boy bands with my daughter and I can tell you this defiently will fit right in with them. Peaches |
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