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Open Poetry #19
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butterflykiss989
Member
since 2002-02-19
Posts 52


0 posted 2002-02-21 05:25 PM


Ok this needs some work there is no doubt in my mind it actually needs a lot of work so I welcome any form of suggestion on how to make it better. I have had writers block big time and when I sat down and tried to write this is what came out. Help it please....

Hello, please wait before you hang up the phone,
We have some unfinished business to take care of since you left me all alone.
I need you to know that I miss you and I think of you everyday,
I need to tell you that I still care and that my heart is yours in every single way.
I still don't understand why you said the things you said to me that night,
I wish I could take back whatever it was I did wrong and make everything alright.
You told me once you cared, that I made you feel like nobody ever has before,
Then came that tear filled day when you said you didn't want to be with me no more.
I really don't know how you came to have this hold over my heart,
But now we aren't together and its tearing me apart.
I miss so much about you, the the look in your eyes the way you made me smile,
The way I felt when you held me, damn its been awhile.
You made me feel so special, you made me feel like something new,
And all the while I thought I was doing the same for you.
I hear you said I could do better, that there was someone more deserving of my heart.
You seemed to think you did the best thing for me yet all you did was tear my insides apart.
Who are you to say whats the best thing for me I just don't think its fair,
How could I do better when you seemed to be all I wanted, someone who truly did care.
I didn't care where you were headed or even where you'd been,
All that mattered was my heart and that for some reason it let you in.
At first I was skeptical,  afraid to let myself fall,
But you said things to me that made me feel like I didn't have to worry at all.
So we tried our luck at a relationship and a little while down the road my thoughts became consumed with you everyday
you made me fall for you and then instead of being there to catch me you watched me cry and walked away.
I sit here and wonder with tears streaming down my face,
Is it possible for someone new to come along and you he will replace?
My brain tells me of course and just to give it time,
My heart though says something different, thats why I am telling you this rhyme.
I sit here today ready to fight a battle, one that  I may lose,
But my heart is giving me no choice it's tellin me that its you that I must choose.
To me your worth the effort so it's a chance that I must take,
To have you hold me in your arms again is worth another heartbreak.
So I am going to try my hardest to get you back with me,
I believe its all I can do to stop this misery.
So give me one more chance to make you feel the same,
And if things don't work out this time it's my heart that gets the blame.
You can hang up the phone now I have had my say,
But I hope this conversation will leave you thinking, and we will be together again some day.


[This message has been edited by butterflykiss989 (02-21-2002 06:48 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Stephanie Ashteneau - All Rights Reserved
Saunni
Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 1777
West Virginia
1 posted 2002-02-21 05:55 PM


Oh, I don't think you need to change anything. I think it's perfect and says so much. This is an emotional write...very sad yet so beautifully done... it's a keeper in my book.

Sauni @~~~>~~

The Sun Shines
Not On Us, But In Us
The River Flows Not Past,
But Through Us

doreen peri
Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812
Virginia
2 posted 2002-02-21 05:56 PM


sounds like a song...

matter of fact, i can hear the melody... and i'm about to pick up the guitar and put this to music...

or maybe sit at the piano and do it

this one sings!! it needs music!! and i can hear it!!

nice job!

Mistletoe Angel
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
3 posted 2002-02-21 05:57 PM




(big hugggsssssss) First of all, let me say my heart goes out to you and I pray with all my heart that he will come to you and reach out to you with compassion and love to cheer you up, my thoughts are always with you!

Second, I believe the poem is excellent and your thoughts are wonderful, you have such amazing talent and I wouldn't change anything about your poem as far as the voice. If I had one suggestion, I would say try to make your lines just a little shorter, though I love the way it rhymes as it is! We all love you so much, sweet friend, you are a delight to us all!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton


RosePetal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-08-26
Posts 2985
South Florida
4 posted 2002-02-21 06:00 PM


Hi! I really like the content of your poem. I don't think it needs much changing except for a few grammar corrections ..

"You told me once you cared, that I made you feel like nobody every has before,
The came that tear filled day when you said you didn't want to be with me no more"

change every to ever
change "The" to Then came that tear filled day
and change "no more" to anymore!

umm..comsumed should be consumed..and skepical should be spelled skeptical!
Other than that, its a great poem!!!


butterflykiss989
Member
since 2002-02-19
Posts 52

5 posted 2002-02-21 06:34 PM


Well what can I say.... I guess all I can say is thank you. You guys must be the most supportive group of people alive because I definately didnt expect such wonderful comments... Thank you all so much for your words.
butterflykiss989
Member
since 2002-02-19
Posts 52

6 posted 2002-02-21 06:48 PM


Well what can I say.... I guess all I can say is thank you. You guys must be the most supportive group of people alive because I definately didnt expect such wonderful comments... Thank you all so much for your words.
amusemi
Senior Member
since 2001-12-08
Posts 1262
A State of Disarray
7 posted 2002-02-21 11:33 PM


Full of reality flavor.  I remember making calls just like this....

Big hug!!


JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
8 posted 2002-02-21 11:36 PM


You really expressed the way you feel about this situation...James
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