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Open Poetry #19
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Experimentation...for the sake of something different....
| Open Poetry #19 |
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Experimentation...for the sake of something different.... |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL 
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(please help..the second line needs another syllable? I'm stuck) sunflower's eyes roam chasing sunlight's favor shamelessly flirting (are these things supposed to be puncuated?) fall, paper petals ink of age on yellow sheets lost love letters speak For all who watch.Dare you say hello? Come in and ask the questions that are on your mind, but spare me your judgement until you truly sipped of me. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jennifer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
hey...not sure about the punctuation thing, but you can add your syllable by changing "chasing" to "in chase of"! and Beautiful work, Jen!  |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
  YAY!!! Ooohhhhhhh...these senryus are wonderful, sweet friend, you always create such gorgeous visions with your words! (kiss on cheek) We all love you so much, sweet friend, these are wonderfully delightful! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jenn, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
i'm not so sure about punctuation either but i do know that each line in a haiku should be a complete thought in itself..so i guess if you achieve that, then punctuation doesn't matter?? and both are credible attempts..i liked the second senryu lots... |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
just to say that "paper petals" delighted me... |
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Silver Streak Member Elite
since 2002-01-02
Posts 3625FL, USA |
(please help..the second line needs another syllable? I'm stuck) sunflower's eyes roam chasing sunlight's favor/ite ray shamelessly flirting (are these things supposed to be puncuated?) fall, paper petals ink of age on yellow sheets lost love letters speak As you wish. I often us a comma simply to force a pause when reading. My only other comment is, that fall in s/2 could be ambiguous. Is it the season, Autumn or a dropping? You write beautifully, Temptress. ((Temptress)) -newell Sharing God's Love through perfectlovepoetry.com |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Kewlers.. um.. what serenity said.. "In chase of..."..  |
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Moonlight Romeo
since 2001-09-10
Posts 982The heart of you |
May I suggest: sunflower's eyes roam chasing hersunlight's favor shamelessly flirting I don't believe that there are hard and fast rules on punctuation, perhaps if you need them to make your words clear, then you could put them in. Thank you. What light through yon window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
well. . . I'm going to argue that the first is a haiku, and that the second is a senryu. . . but. . . I'm sure that there are others who can speak better to that. . . I like these. . . they're good for some of your first ones. . .just remember, you don't have to have punctuation. . . and, just find the flow. . . ok??? good. . . ------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
I have a small suggestions and an answer about the punctuation. no punctuation just write what your heart desires no need for commas ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May I suggest your second line read: chasing sunlight's warm favor ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You have written a wonderful dualistic set here Fool, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write. |
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