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Is there anybody here? If so, some input would be appreciated...

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ESP
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Floating gently on a cloud....


0 posted 11-26-2004 07:42 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Hello everyone!

Remember me? The loony one.
Anyway, I could use some input on a situation I'm in.
It's like this:
I have a really, really good friend, who I care about masses. At the moment he is stressed but he is also not happy. Because when he told me he is stressed, I asked if outside of the stress he was happy and he said no. When I asked if he was stressed with work, he said he was stressed with everything. Beyond that I don't know, he doesn't want to talk about it. He has talked to his gf about it, but she is also worried about him. So I don't know if he has told her everything that's bothering him or not. Anyway the thing is, is there anything I could or should do to help him? He always manages to help me. I know I can't give help if he doesn't want it...but like besides trying to get him to talk, which I am cautious about because I don't want to pressure him, what would be a good way to be there for him?

SEA
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1 posted 11-26-2004 07:50 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

tell him exactly that...that you are there for him. Remind him how he always seems to be there for you when you need him, and that you just wanted him to know that if he needs you, you are there for him, no matter what. Tell him how much it means to you to have him there for you and you want to make sure he knows that you are thankful for him being in your life. Then be mindful to be there no matter what.

Sometimes just having someone there who will listen, helps with the knowing they are there for you.

hope that helps some
ESP
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2 posted 11-26-2004 07:57 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Thanks Sea.
I was wondering that maybe I should be careful of saying that sort of thing too much though, because he might interpret it as pressure which I don't want him to. He knows I care, I make sure he knows. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said no, not really, thanks anyway. So if I now when I speak to him next make a point of saying I am here if he ever wants to talk and stuff, won't he thinking I am nagging at him to tell me whats up even though he doesn't want to? I know the important is to be there, and I will be, but I want to do it in the best way for him.
Krawdad
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3 posted 11-26-2004 09:51 PM       View Profile for Krawdad   Email Krawdad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Krawdad

"He knows I care, I make sure he knows."
You don't say what this is or how this is, but you suggest that being blunt would be going too far.  You may be right, it can be difficult to know when to be quiet.  On the other hand, some need to say no more than once before they will allow themselves the opening that you offer.

"He always manages to help me."
Perhaps this is the key.  Give him every opportunity to help you.  He might then give himself the permission to talk about his situation.  If nothing else, it might at least ease the pressure he feels.

ESP
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Floating gently on a cloud....


4 posted 11-27-2004 05:37 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Thanks for the reply. I think I'm going to offer an ear again when we next speak but not push it. Bit of gentle persuasion...and if he still doesn't want, then I'll back off. I think that's the best way forward for now. Then if he doesn't want to talk, I'll try and distract him with fun stuff instead. Try and get him to smile. Whadaya think?
SEA
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5 posted 11-28-2004 04:08 AM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

sounds good, and smiles are always a good thing I hope he responds to you and eventually tells you what's wrong, but if he doesn't maybe it will just be enough that you are there for him if he needs it.
ESP
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6 posted 11-29-2004 10:48 AM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Ok, things just got worse. He doesn't want to talk to me at all full stop now. Apparently he has a zillion complications in his life and I am one of them. If in my heart I continue to be his friend even though there is utterly nothing I can do as a friend at the moment, does that count?
I think his girlfriend has a problem with me and that is part of the problem. There's two sides to every story but guess which side always gets listened to. I wish I could just be his friend. Talk to him. Now I can't and it sucks. But I am his friend in my heart. Always.
Does anybody have any similar sort of experience they could share?
Sunshine
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7 posted 11-29-2004 11:24 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

quote:
I think his girlfriend has a problem with me and that is part of the problem.

As an outsider watching this unfold via one side only, I would hazard a guess that your friend's girlfriend is jealous of you, and that your friend's biggest problem is in being forced to make a choice...and apparently it is not one that he is happy with, ergo, his "unhappiness" comes to light.

Being a friend is hard enough...but being a big enough friend to know that sides are being taken, and you are not on the side you wish to be...that's going to be the hardest part not only for your friend, but for you, as well.

I would hazard a second guess that your friend is being told in no uncertain terms how to conduct his life, and his friendships, by his girlfriend.

And when the veil of "love" is applied, there is little you can do at this point, but to know in your heart you were there for your friend when it counted, and that friend fell short of being able to maintain friendships AND a love life.

If, and most likely, when things turn around, and you find out that your friend is available again for companionship, don't be surprised if your friend is uneasy in making an apology for the rude behavior that has been exhibited to you.
SEA
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8 posted 11-29-2004 01:40 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

more than I can say, I can relate to this. Stay where he can find you...yes, in your heart counts just as much. At least I think so. I would say step back, but let him know that you will always be there for him, but you respect his choice, and love him anyway. Leave the door open....when you love them, always leave the door open.*heart hugs* I totally understand..
ESP
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Floating gently on a cloud....


9 posted 11-29-2004 02:39 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

I left the door open...I made sure he knows it's open. I guess this is where patience has to kick in. Can't do anything else. It sucks not being able to do anything. Yet it is less tiring to just go with the waves instead of fighting them. Thanks for your replies.

Ironically, the only reason I ever talked to his girlfriend is because I was trying to build bridges, trying to create a situation in which she would accept me as his friend and maybe I would be friends with her as well. I guess that was incredibly wishful thinking and man has it backfired lol She totally stabbed me in the back, intentionally or not. My only comfort is that since she has a problem with me, it was only a matter of time before she dealt with it. It sucks, because I don't wish her anything bad, I'm not trying to make her life difficult, but inspite of that I'm the "evil" one all the same.

Gah. Somehow I know I should be more miserable but at the moment I am just tired...tired enough to accept it all and keep walking. I keep believing that he will walk back in again one day, and that easy chair in my heart won't be empty anymore.

Sorry for going on and on...thanks for listening...
SEA
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10 posted 11-29-2004 03:52 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

hon, I feel you. Your situation sounds so much like mine was. He came back in though and I feel lucky for it. The gf in my situation is his wife. I am still hopeful to be friends with her, but I don't see that happening. If you want to talk more about this, just email me
ESP
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Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


11 posted 11-29-2004 04:58 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Thanks Sea...I just did
 
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