JM: Sad story but one I am familiar with and know the programs do indeed say you are enabling if you allow an abuser or addict however you want ot state it to continue to come home, etc. If we take the same principle and apply it not to the abuse of drugs or booze, but to self destructive psychological behavior do we then become enablers because we tolerate that behavior in others? If that's true, then who decides what is and is not self destructive behavior?
You truly do not have to worry about or try to please everyone. Certainly not me...although I do understand the ways that trying to do so becomes apart of our lives.
As to your explanantion of accepting or tolerating, I think I understand what you are saying but struggle a bit with the implications. If I tolerate someone who has murdered ( my cousin as you use for example) or accept them, and serate the act from the person, how do I then as a society pass judgement on them? How also would I condemn the act and not hold the person responsible for the act? I know you did not say you did not hold the person responsible, but if I accept or tolerate the person, hate the act, is not passing judgement or punishing the person an act of intolerance and a show of not accepting the person?
I know... I know.... I probably sound like I just want to debate or argue..and that isn't the case. I want to understand...and my mind is a terrible terrible thing when it comes to understanding. I have all these pathways that thoughts chase themselves through on the emotional side and them the darned rational side tries to apply logic to the whole and I end up with a conflicting understanding that suits neither side. Eventually...they start calling each other names, throwing stones at each other, and finally end up in a fist fight... whomever is the less bloody at the end of all this is the one that controls the understanding mechanism.... but the other...well he still tries to poke a stick in the wheels as they turn in hopes of pitching the other head over heals on the pavement and stealing the bike...
(now who is crazy?)