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Midnitesun
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since 2001-05-18
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Gaia

0 posted 2006-11-06 08:05 PM



you pluck the chords
one by one
until
the heartbeat
is done;
nothing left
to resonate

who knows
where the notes go
when no one is there
to hear
or care
or repeat

love's refrain

[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (11-06-2006 11:11 PM).]

© Copyright 2006 Kathleen Kacy Stafford - All Rights Reserved
Alicat
Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
1 posted 2006-11-06 11:07 PM


Very nicely done. Short and succint and does cut to the quick.  Only thing I might change is the comma after 'is done' to a semicolon, though I could very well be mistaken. That's the beauty of nothing much to nitpick.  
Midnitesun
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Gaia
2 posted 2006-11-06 11:11 PM


thank you Alicat
for reading and suggesting
not sure here either if the comma/semicoln matters where matters of the heart bleed out thoughts with no regard for correctness

Nightshade
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Member Patricius
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962
just out of reach
3 posted 2006-11-08 10:26 PM


This is sadly beautiful.
Very nicely done indeed.
hugs, Chris

Alicat
Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094
Coastal Texas
4 posted 2006-11-08 10:39 PM


Guess I should've clarified my suggestion. The semicolon gives a little bit more of a verbal pause after the first breath of 5 lines, accentuating 'nothing left to resonate' which creates a bit more impact when read aloud.  Which is how I normally read things to get the flow, beat, rhythm.  Very well done, by the by, with just enough emotional charge without slipping into the maudlin.
Decaflame
Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635

5 posted 2006-11-09 04:30 PM



Kacy, this is beautiful...
and the semicolon works...




Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
6 posted 2006-11-09 07:14 PM


Smiling here.
I really do enjoy this forum
and the gentleness of your replies.

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