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Passions in Poetry

Equality

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Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


0 posted 10-04-2006 12:24 AM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Alicat

A smile fleeting gives Summer pause
and as quickly is again gone
giving instead a different cause
where transient feelings do not belong.

There within this mortal shell
differences ever abound save one:
when ones delight is personal hell
bounding a thrice eclipsed Sun.

And there sheathed surreal and sublime
lies the duty within the tract;
found despite season, found outside Time
redeeming then each birthing pact.

Equality, long sought, is eventually found
within that dusty doorless hall,
where regardless of caste all are bound
wrapped in the same funereal pall.

Alicat
9-27-06
10-3-06 Revision (yes, one of the rare ones *grin*)
© Copyright 2006 Alastair Adamson - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


1 posted 10-04-2006 12:49 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

This is beautiful bro...more formal than I am accustomed to from you (just a hint of scottish brogue--grin)

The formality would normally move me to scanse this, but I am still studying the scansion thing, so I won't even try it until I know I can do it. (Tired of the taste of my own foot in my mouth, I am. )

And yet, while reading this aloud, something felt slightly off in your last stanza, but otherwise, I think the construct of this was sound.

The tonal qualities are what captivated me though, as I love to attempt to capture the moments of "mandorla" and in this I think you have succeeded.

and I just love when you write this way--it's nice to know that someone I love is in that peaceful happy place that lends one to write in this manner.

Beautiful.
Brian James
Member
since 06-26-2005
Posts 147
Winnipeg


2 posted 10-19-2006 11:34 AM       View Profile for Brian James   Email Brian James   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brian James

More than a little ironic, which is where you seem to be most comfortable with your poetry.  There's the metaphysical argument, of course, about timefulness and timelessness.  It's a bit worse for wear in terms of subject matter, but I think the poem is good enough to justify its use.  Some really superb concretization, like "dusty doorless hall," does a lot for this poem.

I can also appreciate the way in which you sustain the theme of legalism, especially in the third stanza (duty, tract, pact) so that the irony is carried through even despite one's suspicion of the intention of the poem.  

Overall I think this is a very successful poem.  As far as its conception is concerned, I'd also consider it flawless.  (I might get clawed for saying so, but I think Serenity misinterpreted the scansion towards the end).

Always a pleasure to read from such a consistently productive poet as yourself, Alicat.  Kudos.

Brian

"To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form."
~Robert Frost

Brian James
Member
since 06-26-2005
Posts 147
Winnipeg


3 posted 10-26-2006 09:13 PM       View Profile for Brian James   Email Brian James   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brian James

Decided to come back and add this to my library.

"To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form."
~Robert Frost

 
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