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Passions in Poetry

Me and Maud

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Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


0 posted 01-14-2006 10:13 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Alicat

Me and Maud

The wheels 'neath my feet keep on rolling;
just where they are headed I don't know.
Life ain't what it seems and I'm trapped within my dreams.
So where they end up is where I'll go.

There's a truck stop east of Arizona
where one can rest and cheaply feed their gob.
A lady she may seem but back home she is the Queen,
this trucker there I met who goes by Maud.

Well Maud and me hit the road that evening.
She had a few more states to haul her load.
She told me of her man and the children by his hand
living far away in her abode.

He and I, we have an Understanding
born from the years that I've been in this cab.
I haven't met him yet but he knows that I'm no threat
else I'd be beneath an earthen slab.

As for me I tell to Maud my stories,
singing songs about the open road.
I let her my mind pick after a saucy limerick,
or whenever I tell tales both new and old.

Once a month she'll leave me for a few weeks
at some truck stop while she heads back home.
There I'll stay all day as in her car she drives away,
until she picks me up once more to roam.

I'm just a gentle soul this side of Heaven
tied to Maud in ways you wouldn't know.
It was my own bad luck that she killed me with her truck
on that fateful day so long ago.


Note: The first verse can double as a chorus or refrain, placed after verse pairs. 1 23 1 45 1 67 1


Alicat
1/13/06
© Copyright 2006 Alastair Adamson - All Rights Reserved
Brian James
Member
since 06-26-2005
Posts 147
Winnipeg


1 posted 01-17-2006 12:02 PM       View Profile for Brian James   Email Brian James   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brian James

Hey Alicat,

This is an interesting piece.  I have a few comments to make.

First, I think the subject matter is a little too broad, and it's difficult to understand the significance of the story.  You and Maud like sharing stories, her husband must not mind, and it turns out you're a ghost.  I like the minor references to the "twist" at the end (like how you'd 'be beneath an earthen slab,' but you're the living dead, so you're not), but I feel like you don't give enough of an impression of what your relationship was actually like.  What kind of stories did she tell you, why, etc?  You spend a lot of time describing the routine, but too little of what happens.  

Also, I think your language is inconsistent at times.  I find it hard to believe that the same person says "life ain't what it seems" and "in her abode" and "earthen slab."  Maybe the rhyme scheme ended up giving you a little trouble?  It can be tough, I'll admit, to get away from poetic language when you're using form like this, but I think it's more important for you to try and keep a consistent spoken tone, one way or the other (maybe doing away with the colloquialisms and writing in fully poetic language).

Sorry if some of this is a bit harsh.  Just felt like this merited a response.

Brian

"To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form."
~Robert Frost

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


2 posted 01-17-2006 03:28 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

Hmmmm...

I hadn't considered that aspect, as I was thinking "music" as I read.

I agree with Brian that there is perhaps one jump that might be remedied with an extra stanza, right inbetween these two:

"Well Maud and me hit the road that evening.
She had a few more states to haul her load.
She told me of her man and the children by his hand
living far away in her abode.

He and I, we have an Understanding
born from the years that I've been in this cab.
I haven't met him yet but he knows that I'm no threat
else I'd be beneath an earthen slab."

That's both intriguing and integral to characterizing the nature of their relationship, but otherwise?

I found it easy enough to follow, and I like the freedom of allowing enough leeway to grant my imagination permission to fill in the blanks. I think that also lends to make the poem more easily personalized to the reader.

But I like the flow, and the extra work on meter gives the poem the rhythmic construction that helps to convey the intent of the story.

Nice work, and bro? Smiling here, I appreciate very much the thought you put into every aspect of each of your postings.

And thanks for letting me peek in on the process.



Well done. Again.


nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 10-29-2000
Posts 19275
Between the Lines


3 posted 01-17-2006 04:24 PM       View Profile for nakdthoughts   Email nakdthoughts   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for nakdthoughts

I enjoyed the  rhythm and  meaning behind the  words...


made me smile at parts

M
Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


4 posted 01-17-2006 08:19 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

Thanks M, and glad you liked it.

Brian, no worries, as I ask to 'lemme have it' in my critique message.  You do raise some valid thoughts, and reading this one again after it's cold, I do agree with some of them.  I've been in the process of rewriting the original with some feedback from my dear sis, Serenity.  By the way, this version is not the original, but a revision with a tragic twist done a day after the original, which did not have a tragic twist.  You should see the pages of notes, rewrites, markthroughs, corrections, and just plain old x'ed out verses, just for Me and Maud.

If'n I do post the original or yet another revision, it'll be here to prevent confusion.
Musicmaker1969
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 06-25-2000
Posts 594
Peterborough, Ontario Canada


5 posted 05-15-2006 02:39 AM       View Profile for Musicmaker1969   Email Musicmaker1969   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Musicmaker1969's Home Page   View IP for Musicmaker1969

This reads like an old sad country song.  I really enjoyed it, even if there were spelling errors as one comment said.  We are all human and let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.  I liked it because my father has been a trucker all his life so I can fully relate to what you write.  I found it very interesting and I can understand the odd relationship you had with Maud.  Great write.

Sheri Adams

Jesus lives in my heart!  He can in yours too!!!
Sheri Liegh Adams
sheriliegh@sympatico.ca

 
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