I think you managed it very admirably, Alicat. Though the meter was clearly dependent on the phrase itself, it has a wonderful side-effect of lightening your tone to an almost playfully self-aware brand of naive optimism. It reminds me both of Chaucer's "Complaint to his Purse" in its jolliness and Wordsworth's "Resolution and Independence" for its stoic optimism.
The sentiment is pure gold and you've put it across in a way that's both sincere and casual. Reminds me a lot of some of Balladeer's balderdash, but with a more overt moral argument. I could go on trying to express how pleased I am with the tone, but I think I'm starting to repeat myself.
Let me also congratulate you on showing one of the ways in which cliche can be used purposefully in this stanza here:
quote:See, there's so much familiarity in that saying that you're able to shrug off the weight of "dues and bills to pay" both as an impediment to your audience and as a burden to your personal life. It's the kind of attitude we hope we can "meet up" with another day, since it's something that seems so terrifying to us but obviously doesn't trouble you. We're isolated from you, maybe even jealous. This is why cliche helps you so much: you're talking to us like children, very subtly though.
You tell me that you'd love to join me
but there's dues and bills you must pay.
Maybe later we'll meet up;
tomorrow is another day.
A very fine achievement as always, Alicat.
"To me, the thing that art does for life is to clean it, to strip it to form."