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Passions in Poetry

The Golden Section

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Local Parasite
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


0 posted 03-28-2005 02:07 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

The heavenly stars
Are glittering sparse
Like prison bars;

Such as the heavy clouds
Are carrying their shrouds
And gathering in crowds.

The flocks of birds have frozen in their flight,
Suspended in perpetual delay;
The naked trees, like relics of the day,
Shrivel and break apart for want of light,
Thirsting for comfort in the dead of night.

I cannot stand; and though I tilt my head, I cannot see the sun;
All that illumines what I see are streetlights, dying one by one,
Their hazy flicker decorates the city with a vacant glow.
I find that I am terrified to see the once prismatic snow
Mirror the artificial lamps, and towers built of steel and glass,
Deformed and rusted to their bones, like sculpted monuments of brass
Raised by a slavish architect to spread their terrifying gaze,
Now rest their heads on one another, mourning for their glory days.

The streets are empty like a parchèd ocean:
The lively chatter of the marketplace
Echoes memorially; a single trace,
A ripple of immeasurable motion
Lurks in the city with pagan devotion.

The mists about me creep
Like creatures of the deep
And, gathering, they weep---

But then they flee
For they can see
Eternity.
© Copyright 2005 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Martie
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since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


1 posted 03-28-2005 08:09 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

Brian

I wish I could reply with the same depth of meaning and intelligence that you do.  

You set the mood of this right away ...with "heavy clouds", "prison bars", birds "frozen in their flight".  This amazing imagery becomes a feeling so easily.  That takes talent.  Such a feeling of emptyness and dark and cold and lonely envoloped me as I read, that I had to put a sweater on.  

Well done, dear...very well done!
Local Parasite
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since 11-05-2001
Posts 2929
Transylconia, Winnipeg


2 posted 03-29-2005 10:17 AM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

Martie,

Thanks for the response!  I was trying to achieve the effect of "coldness" but also of non-animation, lifelessness, the physical and unliving things lording over and terrorizing the "dead" world.  It's only part a poem about experience, because I meant it to refer to a kind of static hell experienced by a soul with no hope for salvation.  

So, what you call "emptyness" and "loneliness" (especially the latter) were my main focus.  I'm glad you were able to derive that from this, because it's exactly what I was trying to do.  I'm glad the "coldness" of it came through, though I write so much about the winter that I have no problem making that clear, I guess.  

I also wanted to make clear the meaning of the title.  I tried to model this meter on what's called The Golden Section, or "Phi", just to see whether or not it would do anything for the poem.  Thematically, I tried to invert the eternal outward spiral so that it lost its eternal aspect and collapsed upon itself.  It was fun, but writing in octameter is difficult, and I think it's noticable here that I was straining myself a little.
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


3 posted 04-02-2005 09:00 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

The heavenly stars
Are glittering sparse
Like prison bars;

Such as the heavy clouds
Are carrying their shrouds
And gathering in crowds.



I absolutely love those opening verses...
your rhyme speak rocks  


The flocks of birds have frozen in their flight,
Suspended in perpetual delay;
The naked trees, like relics of the day,
Shrivel and break apart for want of light,
Thirsting for comfort in the dead of night.



now heres a switch...you writing of winter.  

your imagery is stark yet vivid...cold yet illuminating-- the whole write is a poeticly perfect mix of expression, imagery, and rhyme. The above verse stands out to me for its word play and assonance... and of course imagery.. and the next verse carries that on to more perfection.....

I cannot stand; and though I tilt my head, I cannot see the sun;
All that illumines what I see are streetlights, dying one by one,
Their hazy flicker decorates the city with a vacant glow.
I find that I am terrified to see the once prismatic snow
Mirror the artificial lamps, and towers built of steel and glass,
Deformed and rusted to their bones, like sculpted monuments of brass
Raised by a slavish architect to spread their terrifying gaze,
Now rest their heads on one another, mourning for their glory days.



outstanding employ of personifi, symbolism and overall imagery to create the surreal and the haunting starkness....also I cant help but note the vocab in it as well.


I clicked on your link curious of the titles meaning...and I gotta tell ya...twas way over me mothy head....but then so much is...yaya  
but I know damn fine poetry when I see it...
even if I dont understand the equation or format...
I do so get the beauty of the write..
as always your poetry is heaven to read aloud.

And..as always I learn from you...

anyone ever tell ya intelligence is sexy... LOL  

later Phi-gator  



It's only words and words are all I have to take your heart away.

Allysa
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Elite
since 11-09-1999
Posts 2307
In an upside-down garden


4 posted 04-06-2005 02:45 PM       View Profile for Allysa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Allysa

As always, you have gotten me thinking.

I enjoy how in your first two stanzas, you do create that coldness, that "static hell", but it moves on to so much more.

I must admit, the fourth stanza was my favorite, you seem to personalize the poem here, throwing in the use of "I", making it seem more reflective, and adding in a.. feeling of some sort, some connection that I can't put my finger on exactly.

You have definitely grown as a writer, and I sit here and read this, I remember Helium Balloon, reading that for the first, second, third, and so on, times.

Definitely my first and not my last read of this one.
Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


5 posted 04-06-2005 10:25 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

"I find that I am terrified to see the once prismatic snow
Mirror the artificial lamps, and towers built of steel and glass,
Deformed and rusted to their bones, like sculpted monuments of brass"

Those steel shadows frighten me too. I prefer the shadows of a towering tree, even the howl of a coyote comforts me.
I FEEL this write within my bones.
Ratleader
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 01-23-2003
Posts 7179
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass


6 posted 10-02-2006 12:31 AM       View Profile for Ratleader   Email Ratleader   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Ratleader's Home Page   View IP for Ratleader

This one was a workout...for the reader, and I think, for the writer. Still and all, it does work, and you did say you were trying for that feeling of stasis within the movement of the poem. Not an easy poem, but well worth reading.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

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