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Postcard

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Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


0 posted 10-16-2004 01:00 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Alicat

The tree limbs are heavy with their crystalline loads,
the clouds swirl and break like surf upon my small abode.
Inside there is but one room of ancient hardpacked earth
and every generation here comes another birth.

Soon a child grown to adult will come and take my place
and this family abode will see another family face.
The fire pops and crackles as I write another log:
tips on harvests, wind and rain; tips on snow and fog.

'Home Is Where The Hearth Is', as my father plainly said.
That's among the pictures dating from our family's head.
Those line the timber walls, though there's plenty room for more;
our history in stately rows from ceiling to the floor.

The light pours from windows painting banks a playful gold.
And sensing something in the night, the latch I firmly hold
peering deeply through the snow, the door open a smidge,
I see you looking back from the postcard on your fridge.

Alicat
10/16/04

© Copyright 2004 Alastair Adamson - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


1 posted 10-16-2004 04:37 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

smiling wide here bro...

I could "see" what you painted in words here,
and as you know, I'm no expert on meter, but I did stumble a bit as I read this aloud.

I love the gentle tone and assurance of "life will go on", and appreciate the comfort in the implied cycles (or did I infer) that was expressed without the gratuitous sorrow.

(Something I can't seem to achieve, btw)

But splain the meter to me please? I felt some of the stresses threw me off, and I still don't know how to write meter that allows for the reader to in rhythms of my intent, without breaking up my sentences into short swift passages. (Did that make sense?)

And?

There are many lovely lines here which I would've highlighted, but rumor has it that works your nerves.

So for you, I restrained myself.


Enjoyed.
Alicat
Member Elite
since 05-23-99
Posts 4277
Coastal Texas


2 posted 10-16-2004 11:18 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

Thanky, Serenity, for the thought provoking response.  For meter, I was striving for septameter, but had great difficulty with sticking to one foot.  In short, some lines are iambic, others trochaic, which may throw some off.  Not to mention septameter is an odd meter.   However, I did not really want to have to rewrite the entire piece again, as it's taken me the better part of a week just to find the words to describe the image I saw, and I had already rewritten it twice prior to posting.

And I'm not completely against pulling lines from pieces for discussion.  Just against copying and pasting the entire piece prior to comments instead of utilizing the Topic Review link at the bottom of nearly every response page.  So feel free to dissect in your unrestrained manner.
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


3 posted 10-16-2004 11:21 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

"And I'm not completely against pulling lines from pieces for discussion.  Just against copying and pasting the entire piece prior to comments instead of utilizing the Topic Review link at the bottom of nearly every response page.  So feel free to dissect in your unrestrained manner."

uh huh.

Just as soon as I sober up...

*cackle*

I promise.
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


4 posted 10-17-2004 01:53 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

quote:
Soon a child grown to adult will come and take my place
and this family abode will see another family face.
The fire pops and crackles as I write another log:
tips on harvests, wind and rain; tips on snow and fog.

This puts into my mind the fact that as "youngsters" we pretty much think we're going to be around forever; it's not long before we realize too many years have slid by in all of our busyness...and we who are fortunate enough before too much time goes by become reflective, and even more honest with ourselves...and for the very luckiest of us, we share our thoughts in words, such as this.


Mysteria
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Member Laureate
since 03-07-2001
Posts 19652
British Columbia, Canada


5 posted 10-17-2004 02:28 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

Meter, smeater, I absolutely loved the entire scene set here.  Cycles are amazing things, and once you hit a certain age, they can sure preoccupy one's mind.

"write another log" ohhhh, I loved that!
PhaerieChild
Senior Member
since 08-30-99
Posts 1829
Aloha, Oregon


6 posted 10-18-2004 05:26 AM       View Profile for PhaerieChild   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PhaerieChild

I don't know nuthin' about meter, but I loved the way you painted it. And that's more than enough for me. Beautiful and heartwarming.
Marshalzu
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Member Elite
since 02-15-2001
Posts 4465
Lurking


7 posted 10-18-2004 07:00 PM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

Truly beautiful writing.

Andrew
latearrival
Member Elite
since 03-21-2003
Posts 4407
Florida


8 posted 06-28-2006 04:22 AM       View Profile for latearrival   Email latearrival   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for latearrival

Alicat, Just reading again. Thanks for pointing out the topic review box. I had never noticed that. martyjo
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