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Passions in Poetry

Trying blank verse

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Local Parasite
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0 posted 09-11-2004 08:06 PM       View Profile for Local Parasite   Email Local Parasite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Local Parasite's Home Page   View IP for Local Parasite

This is small, almost sonnet-sized, but it's really more of a small elegy than a sonnet.

I'm trying something here... my language is intentionally informal, and tries to be colloquial.  I was encouraged to give this a go from one of my critics, so I gave it a shot, always open to something new.  I'd appreciate any feedback---

**

A pigeon died, a month ago, outside
The window where I sit to eat my lunch.
"He's out there," says a friend of mine, "He died
So long ago that now the other birds
Are cuddling up to him for warmth. Sometimes
There's two, or even three of them, and they
Have all the bearing of a funeral mass
Gathering round and picking what is left,
But nobody could care to bury him.
He's stuck," he says, "until he rots away."
Like children at a carnival, we perch
Our fingers on the window sill and gaze
Down at the canopy when, like a cloud,
Flock upon flock his eulogies are read
From every filthy corner of the ciy:
It's snowing like a night in Amsterdam.
© Copyright 2004 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved
Cpat Hair
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1 posted 09-13-2004 06:52 PM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

I'll be back and offer my thoughts in depth later.. but in general Sir.. it is a very good start
littlewing
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since 03-02-2003
Posts 9998
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2 posted 09-13-2004 07:58 PM       View Profile for littlewing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for littlewing

It reads a lot like Paradise Lost
to me, (except you have sentences),
as in that dry sort of well-thought
placed sentence, word, feeling . . .
You definitely brought me there and I
had to read it twice in order to fully
comprehend, truly, what you are trying
to do here.  On my first read, I did not
appreciate the blank verse for what it is:

a frame

I, of course, am no critique, but if you were
aiming for something of that nature,
such as Milton - you have done amazingly
well Bri, as always. I do not know enough
blank verse to be correct, just my thoughts.

You have ten syllables per line
and this is highly narrative.

I reflected not on the fact that
there is indeed a dead, rotting
bird corpse there, (actually
the corpse is quite vivid - I think
moreso it reflects beauty) but instead
I saw beauty in the eulogy,
leading up to the feathers . . . the snowstorm . . .

The filth is replaced by beauty.
(or beauty replaced by filth,
depends on your frame of mind)

*nodding Bri*  

[This message has been edited by littlewing (09-13-2004 08:32 PM).]

Child of the Stars
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3 posted 09-13-2004 09:31 PM       View Profile for Child of the Stars   Email Child of the Stars   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Child of the Stars

Staring at dead pigeons?  You're so weird.

But it's pretty.  It's frighteningly pretty.  I don't think I appreciate the ending though, it'll take a few more reads.  You've pulled off colloquial, honey, like a story you'd tell your friend, but it's so jam packed with higher things...that's the kind of conversation I envy.  As for the style, like anything, do it more and it'll come more naturally.  I think.     Miss you.

  ~Carly Anne

"How inimitably graceful children are in general before they learn to dance!"
           --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

anonymousfemale
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since 02-02-2000
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4 posted 09-15-2004 03:00 AM       View Profile for anonymousfemale   Email anonymousfemale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for anonymousfemale

"Flock upon flock his eulogies are read
From every filthy corner of the ciy:
It's snowing like a night in Amsterdam."


Ooooo...I love it, Mister. You had me engaged from start to finish and while it is a short piece, it was certainly no less enjoyable. I want something to pick at but I can't find anything...perhaps mass amounts of labouring over small words will do that but I can't see it happening.

Lovely writing, you.

~AF~

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Sunshine
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5 posted 09-17-2004 04:21 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Ummmm....I want to work with certain line breaks, add a "t" to "ciy"...

but overall, I'm enjoying your efforts.  The imagery is certainly there, the metaphors are excellent.
Marshalzu
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6 posted 09-19-2004 05:25 PM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

Beautiful writing as usual LP, I just adore the imagery that you have employed here; thanks for sharing such beautiful writing with us.

Andrew
Alicat
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7 posted 09-19-2004 08:03 PM       View Profile for Alicat   Email Alicat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alicat

The punctuation is very well placed, though I do wonder at your capitalization of all lines, since that gives the sensation of intentional line breaks and verbal pauses, which does break the continuity of the spoken lines.  The imagery is captivating, especially since I had the distinctive sense of hearing this from a high-rise office hallway, where, it's not uncommon, for the snow to fall up, much like a park of pigeons taking wing at once.
LoveBug
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8 posted 09-21-2004 07:35 PM       View Profile for LoveBug   Email LoveBug   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LoveBug

Nice stuff... strange stuff, but you make it nice, as usual. Being technical, you do a good job with the blank verse, but this line read just a bit clumsy to me:

"Are cuddling up to him for warmth.Sometimes"

It might just be me though!

Oh, make me Thine forever
And should I fainting be
Lord, let me never ever
Outlive my love for Thee

Ratleader
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9 posted 09-29-2006 10:13 PM       View Profile for Ratleader   Email Ratleader   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Ratleader's Home Page   View IP for Ratleader

Not easy, not easy at all....makes me wonder how they managed to write whole plays in it!

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

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