I'm ever a fan of subtlety, but nonetheless, I still feel this could have been a bit longer... if only to add to the effect created by the contrasting ending lines.
I think it's awesome that you're writing in meter & rhyme for a change (if it is a change, I haven't read you in a while). Have you been doing this lately? Should I check out some more of it? It seems almost like you've been infuenced by Karen's meter style, how it just sort of naturally goes through your words instead of leading the format along. It had a really nice effect on the poem's sound quality.
Ditto the subtle rhymes... I think you should do this more, it really works for you.
Thanks for spicing up the Sanctuary. I know you so much prefer the 50+ replies you get in the Open forum but it's nice to see you in here.
Much love, JM
"God becomes as we are that we may be as he is." ~William Blake