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Passions in Poetry

forever

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Riley
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since 07-18-2002
Posts 1122
in the pouring rain


0 posted 01-24-2004 10:34 AM       View Profile for Riley   Email Riley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Riley


yes, this is not very good, but i haven't written in a good three months or so, and i haven't been around here in forever, (haha) so yea...just thought i would post something.


i can see myself in everything i have to lose
just like the rain falling out side
i've tried to love you in more ways
there are more wounds on me than i will show you
because i'm to scared to let you hold me
but i want to let you love me
there's nothing i can say to you to apologize
i can show you the world in one day
but i can't let you be
you have to decide before the moment is lost
but you have to long to decide
because i would wait forever to walk in the rain with you
© Copyright 2004 Riley Grant - All Rights Reserved
Masked Intruder
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since 05-23-99
Posts 1412
Near golden sunsets


1 posted 01-29-2004 06:21 PM       View Profile for Masked Intruder   Email Masked Intruder   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Masked Intruder

Excellent finish.  "because I would wait forever to walk in the rain with you."  Now, that is such a remarkable idea.

Work on your thought transition.  The whole flow of the poem is a little disrupted (at least, for me) by the jumping around.  "But" is such a useful conjunction, BUT you should try not to use it quite as much as you have in this piece.

Glad to see you back.  Everyone needs a vacation.  And everyone needs to write, too.  Try not to let your vacations get the best of you.  *wink*

-*-*-

Immortality is my illusion.

Riley
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 07-18-2002
Posts 1122
in the pouring rain


2 posted 01-30-2004 10:58 PM       View Profile for Riley   Email Riley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Riley

MI: thanks so much for the comment, really. i do appreciate you taking the time to critque this. yes...it's not that good, could use a couple of run throughs editing and changing...but i just don't have any time...haha.
anyways, thanks a lot for commenting.


-riley-

*truth be told, you could slit my throat, and with my last breath, i would apologize for bleeding on your shirt

 
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