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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain 
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yes, this is not very good, but i haven't written in a good three months or so, and i haven't been around here in forever, (haha) so yea...just thought i would post something. i can see myself in everything i have to lose just like the rain falling out side i've tried to love you in more ways there are more wounds on me than i will show you because i'm to scared to let you hold me but i want to let you love me there's nothing i can say to you to apologize i can show you the world in one day but i can't let you be you have to decide before the moment is lost but you have to long to decide because i would wait forever to walk in the rain with you |
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| © Copyright 2004 Riley Grant - All Rights Reserved | |||
Masked Intruder
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-05-23
Posts 1231Near golden sunsets |
Excellent finish. "because I would wait forever to walk in the rain with you." Now, that is such a remarkable idea. Work on your thought transition. The whole flow of the poem is a little disrupted (at least, for me) by the jumping around. "But" is such a useful conjunction, BUT you should try not to use it quite as much as you have in this piece. Glad to see you back. Everyone needs a vacation. And everyone needs to write, too. Try not to let your vacations get the best of you. *wink* -*-*- |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
MI: thanks so much for the comment, really. i do appreciate you taking the time to critque this. yes...it's not that good, could use a couple of run throughs editing and changing...but i just don't have any time...haha. anyways, thanks a lot for commenting. -riley- *truth be told, you could slit my throat, and with my last breath, i would apologize for bleeding on your shirt |
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