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Passions in Poetry

Said the Dying Era to the New Paradigm

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fractal007
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since 06-01-2000
Posts 2032


0 posted 01-10-2004 02:47 AM       View Profile for fractal007   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for fractal007

Someday I will be gone, my friend
and you will entertain another and go
the way I go, leaving him this message.
I brought you up, crumbled before you,
fell to your superior intellect and
your new ways and your new life.

I wrote for you so you wouldn't forget
me or how to tell your conquerers what
I'm telling you now, my young apprentice.
You may look down upon me, and satirize
my ideas, believe me I did that to my
own past eras and long-dead teachers.

It's okay to cry, it's okay to fall;
for this is the way we all must go.

2+2=5 for sufficiently large values of 2
--Smit
My Creations

© Copyright 2004 fractal007 - All Rights Reserved
Philmont
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since 01-10-2004
Posts 60


1 posted 01-10-2004 03:21 AM       View Profile for Philmont   Email Philmont   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Philmont

Hey, nice to get out here and start posting with u, buddy.  Well, u said you wanted an honest critique, so I'll try and give you one.  But you have to promise to give me some insight too.  Deal?  Cool.

This poem definitely sounds like something you'd write.  It's ripe with wierd metaphors that people might not get at first.  That's not because we're stupid, but it's more because we're not as obsessed as you are with writing every single thing in this world in terms of metaphor .  What you've done, personifying the era, is a good idea, but it can be taken a little too far.  

You sort of contradict yourself in a way.  First the new era is something almost reared by the previous one.  But then, in the second stanza, it goes in two completely different directions.  The old era is both a teacher to the new one(I mean, why else would it "call" the new one an apprentice) and a force conquered by it.  It's an interesting paradox and I think you could expand on it a little more.

The ending is a little weak.  It sounds too cliche.  You should bolster it a little more.  Hey, you could even throw in a little about just what you're talking about in the previous two stanzas!  If "this is the way we all must go" why don't you talk about that way?  Is it a military way, or is it a pedagogical one?  Or is it both?  

Sorry if I was a little harsh on you there, man.  It's a good poem!

Philmont
Marshalzu
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2 posted 06-07-2004 05:52 PM       View Profile for Marshalzu   Email Marshalzu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marshalzu's Home Page   View IP for Marshalzu

Personally I like the ending, nor do I find it weak. Great Writing

Andrew
 
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